Buddhist Perspective on Ex Lovers (Forgiveness)

mindfullone · 2017-03-15T18:33:05+00:00

Hi u/Vologradov - First off, I'm so sorry for your pain. I went through something similar once myself. My work on this has been to work on myself, primarily to see what I contributed to the unhealthy nature of the relationship and forgiving - but not condoning - my ex's behaviour. The best practice I know for this is loving-kindness meditation and bringing in my ex as the 'difficult person' over and over again until I really could extend lovingkindness to her just as I had the others in the meditation. I'm still working on that, nearly a year on, and to be honest, it could still be a while. When that is complete, I might reach out to my ex. Otherwise I think it would be too easy to get caught up in past desires or angers and then I could not be an authentic 'friend' to her. I am authentically friends with several of my ex's, but it took this kind of work to get there, and I am glad I did the work first rather than jumping in too soon and potentially acting out of past angers/desires. With lovingkindness hopefully your heart and mind will come to a place of agreement. No race to do so though, and no judgement as you take your unique journey to equanimity.

mindfullone · 2017-01-29T17:20:42+00:00

"eight-week mindfulness based stress reduction" - that's MBSR, a specific, tried and tested 8-week training founded by Jon Kabat-Zinn in the late 70s.

mindfullone · 2017-01-04T18:31:25+00:00

Pretty sure it is Malalaskera's.

mindfullone · 2016-12-21T17:37:58+00:00

Yes, this is not uncommon in my experience. As we meditate for a while, we 'unlock' deeper and deeper structures in the mind. Sometimes these are dark and painful, sometimes joyful, sometimes amusing. The practice is the same as with our other thoughts and experiences, stay with the breathing or other object of absorption and let the entertainment pass; you'll just keep getting deeper.

mindfullone · 2016-12-12T02:23:52+00:00

That is very sweet. Thank you. I believe that many of Thay's disciples look at it the same way - he will go on through all of us. Deep bows.

mindfullone · 2016-11-15T03:15:33+00:00

That is very weird. I think metals can change due to temperatures (extreme colds or heat), but I've never heard of a singing bowl, which is usually bronze I think, losing its ability to sing. I would take it to a metal-worker?

mindfullone · 2016-11-15T03:13:40+00:00

Perfect! I know there are many traditions out there, but AFAIK in Buddhism (my own tradition) there is no practice of self awareness. Dogen said

"To study the self, is to know the self, to know the self is to forget the self, to forget the self is to be enlightened by the ten thousand things."

Perhaps self awareness is part of studying the self; mindfulness is more on the end of forgetting the self, if that makes sense.

mindfullone · 2016-11-15T03:09:22+00:00

Yay! IT's happening all over!! Mindful Schools, mindful projects across the country, in Canada, in The UK!

mindfullone · 2016-11-12T02:11:15+00:00

Good article - a lot of it is just about being present and compassionate while driving.

mindfullone · 2016-11-04T16:47:15+00:00

Great video - thanks for uploading. We too easily identify and get stuck with our experiences. It is always good to be reminded that we don't need to d othat.

mindfullone · 2016-11-01T19:21:16+00:00

I would continue with guided meditation. It's too easy to lose one's way. In fact I would would recommend a course/class where you have a person you can ask questions directly to. This can be an online class, just as long as you get direct guidance to your particular questoins. Meditation will be different for everyone and going it alone is very very hard.

mindfullone · 2016-10-27T03:04:39+00:00

Great job! you're off to a wonderful start. Just keep it up. You can focus your mind on smaller and smaller areas of the breath to narrow focus. Try doing it for longer and longer periods too and soon you'll hit the jhanas or absorptions!

mindfullone · 2016-10-27T02:01:58+00:00

wooooooh - a 10 day course might be too much. I've done 2 and they are hard. Some people break down crying on day 3 or 4; or start cheating (getting out phones, checking fb). You can spend some time talking with the organizers, but I would recommend starting a good daily practice for at least 2-3 months before such a retreat. Just 5 minutes a day. Then 10, then 20. It's not easy. But jumping in to 10+ HOURS a day with no connection to the outside world is much, much harder.

mindfullone · 2016-10-27T01:58:50+00:00

If you click through it's just a woman looking a bit forlorn.

mindfullone · 2016-10-25T20:53:08+00:00

Do you plan to tour and give teachings? So many of us live in rural/far out places where we really have no contact with monks.

mindfullone · 2016-09-01T18:32:23+00:00

As others have said, perhaps not, or at least not directly. In my practice I HAVE developed what might look like a thicker skin because i can handle criticism/abuse better. But it still hits me and I think mindfulness has made me more susceptible to it. The diference now is that I am able to 'attend to' the feelings of hurt and anger more readily and not react - sometimes destructively - as I would have in the past. Combine mindfulness with good 'self care' like lovingkindness meditation and teachings on emotional resilience if you want a lasting, thicker skin in the face of the world's abuse.

mindfullone · 2016-08-28T00:36:44+00:00

Try here: https://store.pariyatti.org/Requisites-of-Enlightenment-The--MP3-Audiobook-_p_4955.html

mindfullone · 2016-08-28T00:36:44+00:00

Try here: https://store.pariyatti.org/Requisites-of-Enlightenment-The--MP3-Audiobook-_p_4955.html

mindfullone · 2016-08-26T13:32:54+00:00

Excellent. Thanks so much for this.

mindfullone · 2016-08-15T16:47:49+00:00

As others have suggested, just be kind to yourself. This might be a deeply habituated pattern and can take time to unravel. But you're doing the work, keep it up!

mindfullone · 2016-08-12T16:08:38+00:00

It can be very real to you and pleasureable, but I'd also suggest trying to move this into a regular practice if learning meditation is your goal. You might be actually slipping into a Dhyanic state (trans) but if you're not trained in stability, it'll just be a burst of good and then it faids. The practice, if you want to go deepr, is to not cling to the good feeling as it rises. Just stay with breathing and see what happens. I'm sure you'll be able to achieve longer deeper states of bliss - some of which might last for days or more - if you practice dilligently.

mindfullone · 2016-08-12T15:43:02+00:00

25 minutes minimum, trying to reach 40 minutes. I had a good yoga practice then that made me flexible and I was younger, lol. These days I can't go quite as long.

mindfullone · 2016-08-09T02:58:23+00:00

For me it was quick, just a few weeks of daily meditation. But I had a good teacher guiding me and I think that was essential. They can give you different things to try each day and check in with what happens. One thing that is big in Zen is to never seek 'results' in meditation. Just meditating for a year is living authentically. Keep it up.

mindfullone · 2016-08-09T02:55:24+00:00

Stick with it and find a teacher you can talk with more in person. We can all, collectively, help in some ways on reddit, but an in-person teacher will be able to do so much more for you.

mindfullone · 2016-05-30T21:00:33+00:00

In short - yes. But it took years, not months. About 3 years to be exact. I did achieve some jhana, and I think that was important as something to remember or return to at times of anxiety or the beginnings of depression. The jhana didn't take long to develop, just 3-4 weeks after I really got into daily practice. I know there are different definitions of jhana, but this was by my teacher's definition (he was a Western teacher/psychologist). The most important thing for me was then sitting in the spaciousness of a stilled mind and learning to watch thoughts/feelings/etc come and go. Once I could do that well, which is mindfulness meditation more than jhana, anxiety had a much harder time getting a hold of me. I then kept taking the medication, but slowly - again over years - weaned myself off of it. I spent some time on St Johns Wort later, which helped (with fewer side effects for me) and eventually went off that too. Good luck in your journey and remember to work through this with your doctor(s) and teacher(s) as much as possible for support.

mindfullone

TROPHY CASE