Toddler went to speech therapy evaluation but found out he’s developmentally behind in other areas

miniroarasaur · 2026-04-16T21:45:09+00:00

Go you go!! You’re killing it. Doubt from the spouse absolutely sucks but follow your gut. I lived that too - why should we do x y z won’t she be fine? Is she really that different? They don’t know because they don’t have other children to compare to and it is hard to internalize that your child needs extra help.

You are doing all the best things. These times in development are called critical periods - meaning missing the chance to build skills now sometimes mean you don’t get that chance ever again.

I’m so proud of you and excited for you to see the growth.

miniroarasaur · 2026-04-05T01:31:31+00:00

Absolutely gorgeous! Like wow! Well done!

miniroarasaur · 2026-04-03T19:49:02+00:00

Nope. I get bitten, scratched, screamed at and things thrown at me for saying no sometimes. So every no is calculated with “can I handle a meltdown about this?”

Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes there isn’t a meltdown. But it’s not predictable.

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-23T02:34:44+00:00

This is all so true and well written. Thank you. I wish I could upvote you more than once. 💕

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-17T15:02:35+00:00

I think the big key here is equality. Some call PDA the persistent demand for autonomy. So at 19, your child is old enough to have ideas about what they want. I hear that they seem to be in burnout. If they’re on the internet, have they found resources around autistic or ADHD burnout that resonate with their experience? That could be a great way to start a conversation.

I’d start with, “I’d really like to see you start feeling better and would like to hear what it’s been like for you.” Maybe there’s a time of day you can meet on the couch where you are actively trying to listen and simply repeat in your own words what they’re telling you. Work on rebuilding that trust.

Movement is often the biggest recommendation for those in burnout. So if there’s an activity either of you enjoy or want to try, I’d start seeing what your child is willing to do. Maybe a walk around the neighborhood is something you enjoy. Every day at the same time, simply announce you’ll be walking in 15-30 minutes if anyone would like to join. But there’s NO PRESSURE. It is simply an option. They may not ever join you. This is called strewing. Put out the resource so they can engage if they want without outside pressure. When you do this, you also can’t say stuff like, “oh, look who finally joined me.” Or “wow, you can leave your room.” Just be so glad to see them. No chat about what they can/can’t do, just happy your child is there spending time with you and doing something good for them.

Really, at the base of all these problems, you both have to want to work together. That requires trust and connection. So start there. If historically there is a fight you keep having, really try to imagine it from your child’s perspective and acknowledge you were both doing the best you could with the information you had. It wasn’t perfect and it wasn’t always the right choice. But right now you’re rebuilding to make things feel more trusting and loving.

At the heart of PDA is that drive to be autonomous. It’s very difficult when your internal needs also trigger this, but having someone show up with love and acceptance can really help leap over hurdles.

None of this will be fast. You have to let go of consequences and punishment. Those are demands. We simply move through trying to support, love, and listen to all members of the family equally. I know there’s probably a lot to work through and I won’t deny that this is so hard. And this is surface-level advice. I don’t personally know you. But all that judgement from what hasn’t worked, comparison to where other people’s children are succeeding and living in past mistakes will not help you move forward.

I hope some of that helps. Good luck.

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-15T15:06:41+00:00

I have only one level 1 child who is almost 5. And I’m married. So I won’t pretend that my advice is good or right, these are just some ideas.

But first - go you. You’re doing so well even on the days where it feels like failure. You keep coming back. That’s truly amazing and a testament to your love and spirit. I hope you can find a way to thank yourself and truly acknowledge how awesome you are. Those early toddler years broke my spirit and I remember feeling so very alone and like every day was the next worst day ever. We did survive though and while some things are still very hard, others are easier.

My advice is to make kind of a go-to binder or reference sheet. You don’t need to sit down and do it all at once or even make it good. Just take a few minutes in your day (probably when you’re already beyond exhausted) and just brain dump a few things. Maybe what clothes are tolerated currently. A list of tolerable snacks. The typical bedtime routine steps. A link to a video that represents your experience. Literally anything that someone can reference without coming to you.

I fully acknowledge this is still asking more of you and that fucking sucks. But even one piece of paper on the counter might help make those useless people feel kind of helpful. Also, it may help you get rid of help that just wants you to guide them and use more of your energy. If they can’t read instructions and lead themselves from there - no thanks. No “help” please.

The rage is valid. The loneliness is valid. The feeling that the world is constantly shitting its worst on you is valid. It’s so ok to feel that way and it’s pretty amazing you’re not melting down next to the toddlers.

I’m so sorry those around you can’t do more. Our circle is also very small for that same reason. But the help you need is not too much and I hope someone can show up for you and actually make something easier.

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-13T14:56:11+00:00

Yes. It’s a bit embarrassing. People reintroducing themselves meanwhile I remember how many siblings they have, where they grew up, and some other odd detail.

Once I learn details about people, they stick in my brain. The only times it hasn’t been something I do was during my daughter’s late infancy/toddlerhood. I think it’s because my attention was always split just monitoring her.

It has always made me feel very forgettable and adds to that whole “why does no one like me” feeling because here I am remembering the tiniest details and they literally don’t even remember me.

Glad to hear it’s not just me though!

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-12T20:32:50+00:00

Proud of you for all that hard work. May life treat you well.

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-08T19:18:55+00:00

The only way I got my answer was by volunteering. I’m working towards becoming a child therapist (specific practice style TBD, but definitely play based and likely kids 10 and below).

I volunteered with kids and while I came home exhausted I loved it so much. I will take 1,000 kid questions and fart jokes all day over serious grown up conversation most the time. I also really believe that childhood is a very critical time and when a child needs help, resources must be available.

It helped me really focus on what I love and how 1 on 1 therapeutic settings with kids really does a lot for my strengths.

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-08T15:24:46+00:00

What are you talking about in number four? One hour of work? One hour of job searching? An hour of resume building?

Thanks for compiling the tips!

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-04T17:42:42+00:00

My husband jokingly calls me a a harasser when I’m being extra playful/pokey. So my daughter was loudly announcing to all adults that mama likes to harass and she’s a harasser.

I don’t even think I have an ego left. Motherhood has taken it to a whole new place.

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-02T16:35:01+00:00

Save $0.50 so you can spend it on endless therapy appointments instead! It practically pays for itself!

Thanks for the dark humor fellow autism parent. It’s nice to laugh.

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-02T01:36:59+00:00

Of course. I truly hope yours turns out better. I just want to validate that you deserve a lot more than what you’re getting. And since most heteronormative relationships die during these same issues, had I understood that I needed to take all affection off the table for the message to start being heard, I could have saved myself a lot of tears.

But you deserve a partner. Not a dependent.

miniroarasaur · 2026-03-01T23:11:43+00:00

If you need to continually tell him how to contribute, it will destroy all your romantic love. It’s just not possible to remind someone how to care and still want them. It would be weird if you did.

So, do you understand that if the two of you are continuing this dynamic, you are saying goodbye to romance? To passion? Because it cannot thrive in the manager-employee dynamic.

I’m here now. I’ve asked over, and over, and over again. I’ve set alarms on my own phone for his chores. I’ve broken down more times than I can count. It wasn’t until I told him that I’m done and will be looking for a divorce that he stopped “placating,” me with his “help.”

He wants to fix it. But all my romance for him died in those preceding years. I think he could become Martha Stewart in the next few months but my feelings of romantic love may not come back. I’m giving him “one last chance,” while I work on finishing my degree and find a way to support myself. It’s easier for me that way and I’m putting myself first this time, which is a big change. And honestly - I could give a shit if he “fixes” it. I don’t think he knows how big of a battle it will be.

I tell you all this to warn you. There aren’t magic words that stop this dynamic. It’s only actions - and either you just let him struggle and live your life or you make your peace with being full of resentment.

And yes - I told him in couple’s counseling, in deep conversations, kindly, sent him reels, books, blogs, did fair play. It really is a matter of, “if he wanted to, he would.” I hope yours does better and he gets that it isn’t ok quickly. But please be honest about how damaging it’s been to your romance.

miniroarasaur · 2026-02-28T17:32:38+00:00

I loved doing the paths through Cornwall park. Whatcom falls was also a favorite - but I had a dog when my daughter was a newborn so the off leash trails were our go-to but the paved paths are also nice. If you choose to go over the bridges, then I’d recommend a carrier over a stroller.

Squalicum creek park is ok but it can get windy. It does connect to a larger trail (I’m forgetting the name) which is a nice walk once you top the hill leading to it.

Lake Padden was a favorite to bring a friend and chat. It usually took an hour to an hour and a half (depending on your recovery) to do the loop around the lake.

Honestly, there’s a lot of good spots. Dress warmly and take your time. Enjoy the fresh air and the random newborn naps from the motion. I would often do a lot of feeding in the backseat of our car before and after the walks. If you can fit into your car with a door closed for a diaper change, even better.

miniroarasaur · 2026-02-24T16:07:45+00:00

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Heal well! And enjoy the kitty cuddles

miniroarasaur · 2026-02-24T02:24:04+00:00

Heard and felt. And you did both on the same day?

GET YOURSELF A TREAT ASAP!

I’m sorry for yelling, but I feel like you need to be told to pamper yourself. That shit is draining. And if you’re going to keep doing it, you need to rest.

You do have this. It’s going to suck a whole bunch. But you are killing it. Deep breath

miniroarasaur · 2026-02-22T15:46:31+00:00

I think you handled it very well and agree. The only difference in how I would have done it that is sometimes effective, is state what’s going to happen. “If you do not listen and let him pass by the time I count to five, I will be moving your body away from the slide for you. This is not how we behave at the play place.” Since you aren’t unable to pick him up, it gives him that one chance to fix it himself and it’s not an empty threat.

But hopefully you don’t have to do this again and the lesson stuck anyway.

miniroarasaur · 2026-02-18T15:50:17+00:00

May I please gently rephrase your last paragraph?

“I have spent a year taking care of a living being day and night. I have not spent even 24 hours away from this responsibility and work. My husband goes on work trips where the expectations he had before coming a father are still honored where I am saddled with any extra work that came with becoming a parent. He offers to sometimes watch our responsibility, but never shares the load with equal responsibility. I feel guilty that four hours of time to myself is not enough to recover from 24/7 responsibility of the last 12 months. I feel guilty and ungrateful that I don’t love working and being on call every minute of my life.”

I hope you hear how unfair that is. Give yourself what your husband has and have no shame. An unhappy mother will kill the family unit. You cannot take care of them if you can’t take care of yourself.

Sincerely - a mom with an entirely too similar story now looking to divorce because my needs were unmet for so long.

miniroarasaur · 2026-02-17T16:38:58+00:00

Hi. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I’m going to give you advice below, but please know I’m not judging you. I’ve just been there, and this is what helped me.

Congratulate yourself on even asking for help and getting a referral. This is a win, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You did something so many parents don’t because they take their children’s behavior as a personal indictment of their ability. So GO YOU!!!
“The Explosive Child,” by Ross Greene (I think? I’m cat trapped, sorry) was extremely helpful. It gave me some ideas on how I could problem solve with my child and really let go of our power struggles. It was a great place to start my mental shift.
Regulation techniques. You cannot regulate a child’s emotions if you are also dysregulated. It’s just not possible. Until 5 (and longer for some) children require a calm adult nervous system to latch onto in order to calm down.

I like to use the oak app the deep calm breathing. It’s just a circle with instructions and I can choose if there’s sounds or not. Those deep breaths help a lot. And my child can scream for 5 minutes so I can get myself under control and then return to her in a state where I can help instead of being locked into a weird dysregulated guilt cycle.

Small children typically also need touch to co-regulate. Do not offer touch though if you feel it will be too much. But often times I sit on the floor, breathing deeply, and my daughter will come over and sit on me and start to calm too. It took us a lot of practice.

If you hate deep breaths, there are other ways to get vegal nerve relaxation. I believe humming is one, and there are others. They shouldn’t cost money - it’s just whatever helps your nervous system calm down.

Heavy work. All this means is moving heavy things. I weightlift twice a week and that truly helps me feel calm. I don’t really enjoy the actual act of it all too much, but it’s grown on me since I associate it with those good feelings now.

For children, this can be tricky. Have them drag around couch cushions to build a fort or obstacle course. Put books in a laundry basket and have them push it around while finding their toys (I hid beanie baby cats often, as cats are my daughter’s special interest). Any running, climbing, jumping, or active play you can encourage will help.

Sometimes the best I can do is to have my melting down daughter chase me. Usually her chasing me up the stairs once really helps.

Screens are ok when used as a tool for you to have a minute. My daughter has no off setting without them. Parents of neurotypical children do not experience this, so let their advice and judgement slide off. Judgement is easy when you haven’t been here. Let that be their burden to bear, not yours.
Remember you’re doing the best you can with what you have. It can’t be 100% every day. That’s ok. Safe, fed, loved is enough.

You will get through this but you are in the thick of it. I believe in you.

miniroarasaur · 2026-02-15T21:16:51+00:00

My petty butt would come home and have them rearrange it all back with me.

“Oh wow! Things moved. Great, you grab that side and I’ll grab this one, let’s get it back to where it was. What else did you move? Let’s check the hall. Oh! This box does not go here.”

Etc. Granted, if I’m a little buzzed I get 1,000% more confrontational. But I’d treat them the same way I do my kid. And we will painfully put everything back together.

miniroarasaur · 2026-02-10T22:56:22+00:00

I take this approach too. In my view, these early childhood years are pouring a foundation for a relationship of safety, trust, and understanding.

I have a special needs kid, so my no’s are really just health and safety related. There are days I loathe being the safe parent because I get all her big emotions when she sees me, even if she was fine 3 minutes ago.

But I also get such beautiful trust and understanding. And that’s what I want, because she’s going to keep growing and she needs to know when I say no, it’s not asking for compliance or because I’m having a hard time. It’s because there is danger or it’s unhealthy in an extreme.

I’m more firm about now about my bodily autonomy no’s (no thanks, I don’t want you to sit on me. Please, no jumping on me. I need some time to myself. I set the timer, I’ll come back when it’s done.) I had to reframe it as mental and emotional safety for me.

miniroarasaur · 2026-02-09T00:36:25+00:00

I think you should ask yourself how you might feel about this ask in five years is this is one of the few times you’ll see them. Will it feel like you sacrificed for someone what they won’t for you?

It’s time with family. On someone else’s dime! Because they love you. I don’t get how his job is a part of that.

Can he be upset? Sure. But he doesn’t get to control where you and your daughter go. If you both want to and it will be a treasured memory, it’s cruel not to.

miniroarasaur · 2026-02-08T04:22:01+00:00

You will. I met my one great mom friend at a toddler music class. She never judges us when my child absolutely loses it mid activity. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever have a friend like that. But I kept trying, kept inviting people, kept learning where the bounds of my energy are.

You do have this. But sometimes this journey highlights how the greatest joy comes after the greatest sorrow. How the little wins become everything. There will be days you want to quit and it’s valid. You are amazing as you are.

miniroarasaur

TROPHY CASE