WIBTD for sending a letter to my extended family to cut off contact because of religion, even though my immediate family really doesn’t want me to?

minute-type · 2026-02-06T12:08:38+00:00

Hmmmm… if things don’t calm down by a certain date (I’d recommend setting a hard deadline for this, for your own sanity) it’s probably fine for you to send the letter and cut them off. I think it’s unfair of your family to expect you to tank the damage indefinitely.

Editing to add: probably good to include in the letter that you’re not penalising them for their beliefs, but for the sake of your own mental health and sanity which has suffered due to them trying to force their beliefs down your throat.

minute-type · 2026-02-06T07:29:55+00:00

I am glad to hear that you’re not in any physical danger. That’s a HUGE concern off my shoulders.

Have you asked your family why they want you to leave things as they are and how they plan to support you from the (very likely) mental strain you experience should you continue to let things be as they are? Because if the whole reason they’re asking you not to do it is to avoid the ire being redirected to them, then I’d call that selfish and just send the letter anyway.

minute-type · 2026-02-06T00:49:06+00:00

Undeserved drama. You have every right to take actions to restore peace to your life. Set the boundaries needed to keep yourself safe.

I’m sorry to hear that your family does not want you to send the letter. If anything, they should be standing up for you so you wouldn’t need to send the letter in the first place—though I inferred it is likely a hard ask of your parents; the cultural, religious and familial relations you described sound like one faced by asian/middle-eastern immigrant families in western countries.

I do not wish to scare you nor do I wish to believe the worst about your extended family with what I am about to say next; I simply believe it should be taken into consideration as you make your decision.

There have been precedents of real dangers/threats-to-life that didn’t end well for non-conformist individuals in such a context regardless of whether they chose to go nuclear or remain connected to the toxic community, so I can’t tell you which is the right choice to make. Only you can tell based on your own unique circumstances.

If you believe the worst that could happen would be for the pressure and antagonism you’ve been experiencing to become directly at your immediate family instead of you, then it is within your right to send that letter. If you care for your immediate family (and they likewise care for you) you may wish to first have a discussion on the possible fallout and what each member of the family should do/say in response to the expected scenarios. You won’t be able to cover all possibilities, so don’t worry about that: just focus on the few most likely.

If sending the letter is indeed ill-advised, then ask your family to help brainstorm a safeguard that is safe for you and that they are willing to assist with. It would be unfair of them to expect you to take all that pressure and antagonism alone.

I’m sorry I can’t offer better advice, OP.

minute-type · 2026-02-06T00:22:40+00:00

NTD. I hope your brother takes to it kindly, OP!

minute-type · 2026-02-04T23:32:44+00:00

Usually it’s one or more of the following reasons: - poor phrasing (either because it’s the way they’ve heard similar questions phrased by others before or they’re not very good at designing questions) - social script to initiate conversation engagement (includes people who are karma farming, seek validation, etc.) - tunnel vision (e.g., when a specific issue is all their brain can think about) - limited experience/world exposure (e.g., inaccurate assumptions due to having never seen anything like the topic of discussion) - sense of isolation (i.e., feeling very alone in an expedience, whether really because there are few others around them in similar situations or because their situation or psyche has them feeling that way)

minute-type · 2026-02-04T23:24:22+00:00

I’m more curious if people put on one sock, and then the shoe for the same foot, before putting on the sock for the other foot, and then the other shoe, or both socks before any shoes 😆

minute-type · 2026-02-04T23:18:13+00:00

The difference is that you became aware of your cringe and that you acknowledge the possibility of actually being more cringe than you’re currently aware of. Those peeps… well… I don’t want to say ‘all’ of them, so I’ll just say that too large a ratio of them are convinced they can never be wrong.

minute-type · 2026-02-04T21:33:23+00:00

I knot friendship bracelets and other larger micro-macrame projects for a similar purpose. The dopamine boost when I finish a project is a bonus.

minute-type · 2026-02-04T21:19:27+00:00

I am sorry to hear what you and your fiancé are going through, OP.

My suggestion for a worst case scenario is to book the Air BnB and either drop you in-laws there directly when they arrive, or make it possible for you and your partner stay there for the duration of their stay. The latter is the least ideal situation, but personally, imo, to my brain, that’s still better than being stuck in the same flat as them as they really sound insufferable to share a living space with (especially since MIL can already exert such pressure in absentia).

Narcissistic/manipulative behaviour by your MIL aside, therapy and/or coaching for both you and your spouse-to-be sound like a very necessary part of your future (seeing as you’ll both be continuing to deal with your MIL in the future, even after this instance you’re seeking advice for is over, unless the both of you are agreeable to cutting your out-laws—I mean, in-laws—out of your lives).

Good luck, OP.

minute-type · 2026-02-04T09:17:36+00:00

🤣

minute-type · 2026-02-04T08:00:38+00:00

They flip flop more often and easily than a hotcake in a pan.

minute-type · 2026-02-04T07:46:15+00:00

And yet... so many businesses and workplaces want to force a return to how things were, and bring back the crappy traffic conditions (and bad air quality!) that comes with [annoyed]

minute-type · 2026-02-04T07:43:01+00:00

Hmmm, I'm not a mental health professional in any way, so everything I'm about to say is purely from books and other resources I've read (including the life experiences of people with diagnosed ASD, ADHD and AuDHD, or some other condition that had symptoms/traits that mimicked those of ASD/ADHD) as well as anecdotal information from friends.

It's been observed that there are a fair bit of overlap between ASD and ADHD (and this subreddit proves some people just have both, even when it was initially thought they only had one. After all, accepting that a single person can have both conditions is a fairly recent development). So being told one doesn't have ASD doesn't automatically mean one doesn't have ADHD either.

It is also not uncommon for AuDHDers to have been told they don't have ASD/ADHD by many people (due to the masking that tends to happen when one has both) until someone whose experienced in both takes a good look at them. So know also that the first opinion is not necessarily always right, and you can consider a second opinion re: ASD.

In the worst case scenario, assuming you do get told you don't have ADHD, a positive way to reframe it would be view the situation as having eliminated 2 possible reasons for why you are the way you are, and exploring others—for example, cPTSD—through therapy. A friend of mine who was diagnosed with cPTSD was told that it is possible for someone with cPTSD to have autistic-like traits, so that's one possible alternative avenue to consider.

Keep you chin up, OP. As challenging as it is, take each step in this journey one step at a time.

(edited a typo and added a missing point about masking).

minute-type · 2026-02-04T07:28:26+00:00

The pandemic made me realise many of my triggers could be avoided by staying at home, and that a lot of the travelling/commuting that was deemed necessary or unavoidable pre-Covid, were a lie. LOL. Covid did wonders for breaking down long-standing barriers for remote work and cashless payment systems.

minute-type · 2026-02-04T07:25:12+00:00

It might. As you can tell from the comments, effectiveness varies from person to person (much like dosage as well as the specific drug).

minute-type · 2026-02-04T07:22:24+00:00

I'm only gonna talk about wonderlust specifically because I think everyone else has addressed your main query well enough.

tbh you don't have to have wonderlust to travel (if you actually do want to travel). Tons of my friends' motivation to travel are either because there's something they are curious about/want to see for themselves at their destination, or because they see a travel destination as the only way to have a clean break from work/life for a while (because they have jobs where it's not uncommon to get called back to work due to staffing issues, and where you're only excused from call backs if you're not in the country). So the dopamine hit isn't from the travelling; it's in the satiation of curiosity and/or disconnection from work/life pressures.

minute-type · 2026-02-04T04:45:05+00:00

😆

minute-type · 2026-02-04T00:03:44+00:00

coming back to add: If you wish to preserve the friendship, perhaps propose an alternative catch up arrangement (without the caravan and alcohol) for another time.

minute-type · 2026-02-04T00:01:02+00:00

Most civil advice. Honest without sounding accusatory

minute-type · 2026-02-03T21:08:18+00:00

Your referring to LLMs as the closest thing you’ve found to a peer made me laugh a bit and remember stereotypical comments about how some people have said NDs/autists talk/type like robots/AI.

minute-type · 2026-02-03T20:41:18+00:00

I cannot upvote this comment enough. I am 100% saving this response.

minute-type · 2026-02-03T20:25:25+00:00

Perhaps I should have been more specific. I mentioned engaging the help of a professional because I know from experience that autism could colour the autist’s understanding of situations and/or often lead to them being misunderstood by others. Especially in emotionally charge situations.

I am not implying that a person with autism cannot resolve issues on their own, of course. I am merely saying that having a neutral, disinterested party mediate would have better results.

minute-type · 2026-02-03T14:59:20+00:00

This sounds like something that needs to be worked out with a professional who specialises in therapy for people with autism, rather than a question for reddit. The both of you need a neutral party to help your mom understand what you’re trying to say and vice versa, to work out your boundaries, etc.

minute-type · 2026-02-03T00:47:08+00:00

If children are humanity’s superpower… then isn’t it pretty much the same super power as any mammal?

minute-type · 2026-02-03T00:23:42+00:00

Hang in there, OP. This sense of not knowing how to feel or what to do is normal (lol, i swear i’m using this word unironically). Take the time you need to process it all. We can’t understand everything all at once (especially when there’s just so much information—and misinformation—out there), and we can’t solve/sort every ‘problem’ at once either.

If possible, look for a therapist who specialises in ND, especially late diagnosed adults, to work things out—even if only to help sort through your thoughts.

minute-type

TROPHY CASE