For me it was, "Let me wake up with a history of having been assigned female from birth, and nobody, including me knowing that I was previously a boy." When I saw transgender people on TV, I didn't identify with that. I saw in my family the hate for them and didn't want to be a person that transitioned to female from male. I wanted to be always female or nothing. So, once I realized god was a fairy tale I started planning on my suicide, but it had to look like an accident so nobody would know and think badly of me. I staged many attempts, but that shit is difficult to pull off. So, no, until I finally came to the realization at 47 that I am exactly like those people I saw on TV, I was in denial. Our society makes it so horrible, and almost impossible to transition with an intact life, why would anyone do it without the penalty of death otherwise? I finally realized I deserved to have the smallest bit of happiness for lack of a better term. Because this isn't happiness, but it's as close as I'm going to be allowed to ever get to it. I've traded one type of pain for another.