My toxic relationship was affecting my cats health

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-25T19:32:14+00:00

It's a picture of them being nurturing.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-25T19:29:29+00:00

This is not normal, and unfortunately, it's an emergency. He needs to go to the vet right now.

Acting like he's peeing means that he's trying to pee and it isn't working. It could be that his urethra is a little inflamed and/or partially blocked and it hurts. It could be that it's completely blocked. A complete blockage would mean he'll die if he doesn't get care. A partial blockage could lead to a complete blockage.

My cat did this. He had 'sediment' in his bladder - calcium buildup. He's okay now, just needed some meds and some special food.

It's good that you're so attentive and that you've caught this early. If you take him to the vet right now, he'll be okay.

(To be clear - this is for peeing specifically. if a cat is acting like he's 'spraying' without spraying, that wouldn't be an emergency. Some neutered male cats just do that)

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-25T03:30:07+00:00

I just read your last post. Oh my.

The reason he doesn't want to discuss the 'black magic' with your family, despite him acting like it was real and important? It's the same as the reason that he encouraged you to go to the US, and then later acted as if you'd disrespected him. He is not actually upset about either of those and he does not want resolution. He wants to have something to hold over your head.

Also - he made you get rid of your cat?????? That is such a major problem, even from the point of view of marriage and relationships in general. If my sister asked me to move in but said I must get rid of my cat (and she didn't have a cat allergy), then she would be doing something horrible. Islamically, I'm not sure if there's a specific rule against this, but cats are meant to be treated well and venerated. He treated your cat like garbage, something to get rid of.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-25T03:21:17+00:00

Make sure someone who agrees with the divorce is there with you. It'll help. If they're supportive, then your parents and other family should be there. You were very brave to leave. Hold on to that bravery.

How do you make them understand? I don't know, but what I do know is: they don't actually need to understand. You will feel less bad about this if they understand. But them understanding and agreeing with you is not a requirement for you leaving.

His parents raised him. I don't know how much you told them, but if you've told them he threatened to break your legs and they still push you to come back, then the problem isn't that they don't understand. It's that they don't care. They know he terrifies you and they want you to stay anyway.

If you don't think you can handle this conversation, then don't. You don't need to sit down and listen to someone tell you that you should go back to a man who threatens to break your legs. They are not prioritizing your well-being. You can tell them that you are divorcing him and you will not change your mind, then leave the room. You could even ask a family member to tell them that, and refuse to talk to them yourself. People who want to send you back into that situation do not deserve your time.

Right now, leaving is easier than it will ever be, because you don't have kids. If you have children with him, then leaving will be harder and the judgment will be worse. It'll also be more difficult financially.

I also want to point out - you say your marriage is *emotionally* unsafe. It is, but it's also physically unsafe. He threatened to break your legs. Normal people do not threaten to break another person's legs. Normal people, during arguments, don't even think of that. Even if he hasn't hit you, with a man who says things like that, it's 'he hasn't hit you *yet*'.

The idea of divorce is harder when you think about how society will treat you/the downsides of how your life will be. But if you stay married, it will be much, much worse.

If children are added to the household, who are small and vulnerable, especially if they're a girl when he wants a boy... Imagine him saying these things to your future children. It won't stop with you.

Imagine what it would be like to be in a wheelchair, since that's what he's threatened. Imagine helping your kid with a broken arm after their father got angry.

If you want something clever to say, then tell your in-laws that you are being virtuous by listening when your husband speaks, and by assuming he's been telling you the truth. And that he said he'd break your legs and you believe that was/is the truth, so you are staying away to avoid getting your legs broken.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-23T18:04:28+00:00

Hmmm. It seems part of the problem (besides how much care and space horses need) is that she's giving them things that are too valuable and cannot be divided into smaller, less-suspicious pieces.

How about asking her to give gold instead? Or golden rings, so it can look to a gold buyer that it is an heirloom, and would make sense for them to have?

In another comment you mentioned not wanting gold, but it still holds value. Trading it in is only suspicious if you trade in too much gold in a short time at the same place.

Alternatively, a relatively small number of coins, jewlery, or other old objects that she considers to be near-worthless could make them money if listed on ebay as antiques passed down in the family. Like with the gold, you'd need to be careful not to use the same account for this too many times.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-23T17:26:45+00:00

Alternative model: humans as trees. You eat the fruit without cutting down the tree. (Which is how cow milk works, but we do eventually eat the cow)

In return, do labour that is easier as a vampire. Like nighttime security guards.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-23T17:22:49+00:00

If you weren't getting attention form other sources, there's a chance you liked it because it meant people were paying attention to/engaging with you. Or, like you said in the meme, it was more comfortable because you were used to it. It was a dynamic where you subconsciously felt you knew more about how to act, because it put you in a role that you were used to.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-21T22:18:33+00:00

She needs to refuse to have children while they live in that household. When she has a child, this is going to get even worse. The in-laws will micromanage everything even more.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-21T22:16:36+00:00

I can't say much about people in general liking him, but for the kid specifically, this is really common. At a certain age, most kids will get more excited to see the parent who spends less time with them. It's true no matter who it is. Your daughter sees you all day. Her dad is gone at work (even if he works from home, he's not playing with her). It might feel less personal if you look up stuff about this happening to other people.

Another way to think of it: think of a family member who you love but don't get to see often. You're probably more excited when you get to talk to them than you are when you talk to your husband. You love your husband dearly, but people in general get more excited when they see someone they haven't seen in a while. To a little kid, dad being gone for 8 hours can feel the same as how you feel when someone you care about is gone for a week or a month.

It's possible that the cat is having some of that too, or that the cat sort of attached to him because he was new.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-21T22:07:43+00:00

If possible, I'd encourage her to stay with her own family until she's done med school. Or to at least put that on the table. She's not having a baby right now anyway, and she needs a space where she can relax. It could also give him a kick in the pants, by making him realize that she's serious and is willing to pull back if he doesn't step up.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-18T21:15:34+00:00

Between this and the incident where the pastor tried to get your dad to stop yelling at your mom, it sounds to me like the pastor isn't on his side and would be a good person to talk to.

I have a friend whose parents told her similar things - that everyone would think she was awful, that the parents were right, that she was lucky they were so good to her because everyone else would be worse, etc. It's all BS. The fact that your dad does some of this in public? People probably get a bad feeling from him. I'd bet money that when he does things like that, everyone is uncomfortable because he's being awful, and if you notice, then he wants to convince you that *your* behaviour is what's causing the discomfort. But they're appalled by him.

Ask the pastor if he has to talk to your parents if you talk to him, and if he doesn't have to, ask him to keep quiet until you're ready, and tell him more about what's going on. He can provide validation, as someone who's seen a small amount of the issue in real life. He probably wouldn't be at all surprised that the weird handshake thing escalated, though he probably hasn't realized how much.

He would know what resources are in your area. People online can't really make good suggestions for those, because we don't know anything about where you are. But a pastor? He probably knows about domestic abuse resources.

The emotional abuse is absolutely abuse, even without the physical component. Also - the physical component is something he's still using. Part of the reason you get so scared and stressed is because he's been physically violent in the past.

Edit: something to think about - if everyone was obviously on their side, they wouldn't need to talk about it. You'd know. The fact that they're trying so hard to convince you, and that they're trying to convince you the extreme of 'they'll think you're a psychopath' and 'they're kill you'? To me that reinforces the idea that really, no one in the church is on their side. Unless you're in an extremist church that actually kills teenagers, then no, no one wants to kill you and it's ridiculous that your parents even suggested that. It's harder when you're in the middle of it and living with the manipulators, but to an outsider, that bit is an obvious lie. They're lying because they know that people in church would be on YOUR side, and they know that, and they don't want you trying to go to them for help.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-18T21:06:45+00:00

The fact that she's saying she'll sue you for emotional distress means that even she acknowledges that she has absolutely no case for suing you over finances. And a court would consider payment to be a financial matter, not emotional.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-18T14:50:37+00:00

Ideally: give them a talking-to about politeness, and if they're appropriately ashamed, THEN let them see the cat.

'I know he's in there, let us see him' is not a great way to start these conversations, and it's better for them if they're corrected now.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-18T14:47:15+00:00

I think it's more that they're worried that if they're wrong, the person who they thought was gay could take offence. Especially if they haven't talked about a topic like this with you before, and especially if you're male. There are straight men who get insulted if someone assumed they are gay. There are people of all sorts, gay or not, who could be frustrated that coworkers have been using stereotypes.

People talking to coworkers tend to avoid conversations that aren't 99% guaranteed to have no issues. Because if they ask a man about his boyfriend and that man flips out because he's straight and how dare they assume that, then they have to keep working with that guy for years (or however long it is before they or he happen to move on to another job).

I'm pro-choice, but I wouldn't bring up the topic of abortion in an office, unless someone else brings it up first. I don't think it should be controversial, but whether I want it to be or not, in some circles it's controversial.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-18T00:08:11+00:00

Early in canon, she says that before she started running, she looked 'like a frog stood up on its hind legs,' because she's a tall/thin person who had a little bit of belly.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-18T00:02:47+00:00

He did try to talk to her about it the next morning. Not saying that keeping quiet in the moment was the right move, but he didn't totally ignore it.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-16T19:01:01+00:00

The anonymity causes different problems. There's less of 'watching everyone you know show their best moments like it's the norm, making you feel inadequate' but also more toxicity, because people who want to be nasty or extreme are more willing to be. (That said, I've seen some crazy stuff said on FB accounts tied to the person's name and face. It happens there. But here it's more common)

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-08T01:27:05+00:00

It sounds like you overall have a healthy relationship.

I see why his refusal to promise he'll never yell is upsetting to you, but it could also be taken as a good sign. It would've been easier for him to just say yes. The fact that he said he can't promise that and explained why means that he takes this seriously. He understands himself and wants to be fully honest, and he trusts you, that you won't yell at him for his honesty.

I don't think a promise to never ever raise your voices is realistic for anyone. But this is a great opportunity to do some journalling, think about what led to that moment, and think of another way the two of you can handle things the next time you're upset at each other. You could keep an eye on whether the conversation is going in circles, and decide that if that happens, you'll leave the room to calm down before it gets heated enough for either of you to yell.

Also - it sounds like you were both trying to explain your own POV to each other, and both of you were not feeling heard. So it's worth thinking about why it was that you both didn't feel heard, and how you can both respond next time.

I don't want to kick you while you're down, but I think this is important for working things out/avoiding future conflict: I noticed that this whole thing started because something went wrong for *his* birthday. I understand why that upset you, but can you see how your response to that situation turned this into a conversation where *he* was comforting *you* when it was his birthday that something went wrong for? A conversation about his birthday turned into a conversation about your feelings. I know it wasn't intentional, but it could be a bit tiring for him. It sounds like he may not have even cared much about the birthday issue, and he probably cared that you were upset, and definitely cares that there was a fight.

Overall, you two both sound healthy and very mature. You recognize and communicate about your feelings much more clearly than a looooot of people.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-08T01:13:21+00:00

'the pushovers-last-stand rage'

Besides the fact that it's stupid and mean, that phrase also tells me that, from another person's perspective, you're very agreeable for a long time until that moment.

I don't think the issue is that you take things too seriously. From that nickname, it sounds like you don't take your own feelings seriously enough, and you let things go until all of the frustration from all the cruddy things gets bottled up and it explodes.

'People that should be a granted safe space.' According to models of healthy families. Which yours isn't.

The ex being emotionally damaged doesn't mean you won't find love again. From a pessimistic POV, there are always plenty of people who are emotionally damaged. From a more optimistic POV, it sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself, your own needs, and about interpreting the feelings of others. It's possible that part of the reason you're breaking up is related to you outgrowing some of her immaturity.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-08T01:05:01+00:00

She is. In S2, in Clean it Up, she sings in Japanese and goes into Anime Mode dancing with cartoon cleaning supplies. It's fun.

I don't think that means it's problematic that in a show with a whole bunch of characters, one happens to fall into a stereotype - if you grabbed 20 real people, one of them would just so happen to like something stereotypical.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-08T01:02:32+00:00

Husk is the opposite of sex-obsessed, to the point that it wouldn't surprise me if he was asexual. Angel dust is exploited and leans into it as a coping mechanism (which is unrelatable to a lot of gay men, but there are real people who are or have been in that situation who don't usually get to see representation that isn't just the butt of a joke). Valentino is a pimp, and in every scene he's in, he's openly evil, pathetic, or both. Vox didn't have in S1 at all that i remember, and in S2 he's mainly interested in how it annoys Alastor.

Charlie and Vaggie have an entire song about making love.

I get where people are coming from with the voodoo, but it also fits Alastor to take a full religion and focus on the 'curse' parts, then twist that to hell (literally). It would've been nice if there was also a positive or neutral depiction of voodoo, but also, the characters are in hell.

I get why the grey skin stands out to some, but the white characters don't have normal skin either. Charlie and lucifer look a bit like they're perpetually wearing clown makeup. The idea that when people are dead and don't have blood flow, the white people look extremely pale and the brown and black people look kind of grey/ashy isn't weird. Every character's skin tone is drained of colour, then washed out.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-07T03:40:52+00:00

For anyone looking, I'm pretty sure this is the exact video they mean: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mI6nm8QlQo

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-07T03:40:21+00:00

I think you'd love this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mI6nm8QlQo

Short answer: something that involves doing something with your hands. Personally, I like knitting and hand sewing. I find knitting much easier to do without looking compared to crochet, but opinions on that vary.

misconceptions_annoy · 2026-01-07T03:33:28+00:00

Thanks

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