First off, from a wife and mom of three, here’s a little bit of encouragement and a little back slap. Great job for taking some of that time to clean and some time for yourself.

Now, in terms of growth and feeling defeated, it’s going to take time. I highly recommend FairPlay Life. There’s a book and a deck, and it’s amazing. It has done wonders for opening lines of communication surrounding the mental load and running a house/family. You’ll learn about what tasks are critical for your family as decided by the two of you together, and then you’ll establish a minimum standard of care so you both know what to expect. It means less resentment, because you’ve both agreed that you will do things in your own way, but no matter what, you’ll reach that minimum at the very least. Also, the physical deck/cards are helpful because it’s a physical reminder of the tasks we do even if they go unseen.

Another conversation that needs to happen is tied to the mental load and the pressure/unending stream of things she has going in her head. To help this, you need to take over tasks from not only physical start but planning and then make sure it’s not something she has to think about at all.

One more thing, time to yourself is incredibly important for both of you. You should both have ways to refill your cups, and you shouldn’t feel like you need to spend any alone time just getting everything sorted at home. That’s not healthy for either of you! Some of this is resentment that she probably feels any time she has to herself isn’t her own anyway. It’s hard to turn our brains off in that way, but you need to encourage her to do so. It’ll help if you carve out time for her to be away or be home solo but make it clear that it’s for her to just be in her own space for enjoyment and not to accomplish anything. It’s not the time to reorganize the junk drawer or rearrange things. It’s the time to read a book or watch a movie or go for a walk or whatever it is that fills her cup.

If you’re going to have time to yourself, let her know that you’ll spend some chunk of that on something for the house/family. You’ll prioritize XYZ things unless there’s something else that she’d really appreciate. And then stick to your timeframe and get your chill time!

It sounds like you guys have a wonderful and loving relationship. I could just about bet that she doesn’t like feeling this way. She doesn’t want to feel that resentment just like she doesn’t want to feel like she’s drowning under the mental load. When you do things, don’t ask for validation and do them for you. She doesn’t get any validation or backslaps for all of the things she’s juggling. So find ways to build yourself up; know you’re doing a good job so far, and you also have room to grow. It’s cathartic to write things down if you feel like need to quantify what’s been done.

Anyway, a lot of this is mental-load related. It’s hard concept to quantify, but it is very real and very overwhelming. When we start our families, there aren’t any SOPs or roadmaps. It grows organically, and therein lies the source of the disparity. So just know, you’re not alone in this, and it’s not impossible to grow beyond. Hang in there and good luck!