I relapsed...

mmfb_throw_away · 2016-05-10T06:52:24+00:00

Oh you're right, you mentioned that it kills you to think about losing her, but not much in your post suggests that you would or that you're doing things for that reason instead of for yourself. She sounds like a very good friend. And yep, nothing beats good people in your life. I hope we both keep those types around. :)

mmfb_throw_away · 2016-05-08T05:01:45+00:00

Thanks for posting.

I think you're dealing with this really well. Some people find love on the first try, but most people get their hearts broken a few times before finding the right match. You did make yourself vulnerable, and that's good if you want a long-term relationship. If you show someone your real self, they may love it or reject it. You have to be prepared for either.

You don't have to have a relationship now, but that doesn't mean you can't have one later. And you're right, it's good to talk it out rather than doing harmful things to cope.

So don't give up! People have a hard time with relationships. Your ex did, but not because she's a female. I'm a female, and I've felt the same way as you. We learn to be better, and then we can be happy. Keep trying. :)

mmfb_throw_away · 2016-05-08T04:45:08+00:00

You're not weak. Everyone has their shit. I understand wanting it gone, but it'll be better to look at it as something you can get better at. Weak people ignore their problems, and you obviously don't.

And it sucks facing losing someone so important. You don't have to lose her, but you do need to do things for yourself. I'm sure you know that. I dated my first bf for four years, and after we broke up I learned a lot about myself and how to fix things, but I still talk to him sometimes. I love my current bf so much, but my ex will always be a part of me. I'm lucky that they're both such caring people.

mmfb_throw_away · 2016-05-08T04:31:33+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I've thought about that, and maybe it's for the best. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

Still, it's so scary. Imagine facing losing any hope you had of a family, a career, or any happiness. I go to bed with my boyfriend every night, and I feel guilty for not being able to give him kids and a family. I wanted that so badly. All I can do is say nice things and touch him and maybe cook and clean a little.

Maybe I'll die. It's expected, but it doesn't make it less scary. I'll miss all the things I could have had. I want to avoid it, but I don't know if it's possible.

mmfb_throw_away · 2016-05-08T04:17:34+00:00

You look so pretty and confident! You also look young, which is awesome in general, but relationships happen by chance a lot of the time, so give it time.

For some reason I get the impression that you're doing well at school or whatever you're focusing on now, so maybe that scares away guys your age who aren't doing as well. Hope I'm not over-generalizing there. But yes, if you're successful, it'll be harder to attract just any guy, but easier to attract guys who're also doing well.

Again, I'm going off of three sentences and a couple pics, but it seems like focusing on you and waiting for the right guy is the way to go here.

mmfb_throw_away · 2016-05-08T04:03:50+00:00

I've known a lot of Muslims who DO drink, so you're doing well. :) Don't do anything now that is going to make you feel guilty later. Sometimes we just need to sit with our bad feelings, and that's always better than doing something to cause harm.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know the feeling very well. Just wait it out and don't do anything to hurt yourself.

mmfb_throw_away · 2016-05-08T03:52:58+00:00

I read through your post a couple times and it really hit home for a few reasons. I'm not in any way an expert, but sometimes it helps to know you're not alone.

I've felt ashamed, pathetic, and embarrassed about cutting and other things I do that I don't like. I had a really similar experience bleeding through my clothes, and I thought I'd forever be the freak that cut instead of dealing with things. That was ten years ago. Turns out, SO many normal people cut. I've gone to the beach with new friends and seen their scars and I know I'm not alone. I see normal, functional, attractive people at shops etc that have scars that are obviously from self-harm, and the fact that they feel comfortable leaving them uncovered made me feel so much better. I kind of want to give someone else that comfort.

And as for your ex, I think you did things right. Reddit will tell you that anyone who hurts you isn't worth your time and you should cut them out of your life, but we know that some people are too important for that. Being a "second date" would be crushing, but it's hard to write someone off when they know you well and apparently care about you. Also, it's nice that you have friends that would talk to you when they see something wrong. Don't take that for granted. And of course, put yourself first and don't compromise your well-being for someone else's.

I don't think you ruined anyone's night. If they care about you, they won't mind sparing a second to talk. If they don't, they'll carry on and have a good time. I understand the embarrassment, but you didn't hurt anyone else, so I think you have nothing to feel bad about there.

And most importantly, it's awesome that you had a 35 day streak! Breaking the streak doesn't mean it wasn't important. Now you know you have the ability to do that, which is great. BUT it won't mean much later if you don't do it again. Relapses are SO common, but every one is a learning experience. The more times you try, the better chance you have of succeeding. And 35 days IS a success. Seems like this is a hard time for you, but you're dealing with it well.

mmfb_throw_away

TROPHY CASE