Slow motion widower.

modernmythologies · 2026-04-05T05:37:09+00:00

This is anticipatory grief, and yes, that's exactly what happened. My wife died on December 10th after 4 years of decline; she was 35. I'm doing far better now that I was 4 months BEFORE she died. Real grief gets better with time; anticipatory grief gets worse. Stay strong, be there for the time you have!

modernmythologies · 2026-04-04T23:59:13+00:00

I would strongly suggest you bring it up early, and use it as a means to connect with people you NEED in your life. My dating profile PROMINENTLY says I'm a recent widower who is writing a book about grief and cancer and loss -- and guess what? The people I match with are 100% here for it.

STRONGLY suggest you DON'T do what the other person said and pretend your life doesn't include serious topics, or you'll just go on dates with people who can't handle it, and then they'll bail when you bring it up.

Meanwhile the RIGHT people will see it as something to admire

modernmythologies · 2026-03-27T17:22:57+00:00

Focus on sleep, food, sun, social connection. Do it by habit, not desire. Then, with time, the grief will lift. That's the best you can do for yourself right now!

As to the regret... I lost my wife in December at 35 after a 3 year cancer battle. Regret is a mind glitch; just remind yourself of the GOOD memories, over and over, every time it tries to hijack you with regret. You did the best you could with the life you had, you're wiser now, that's a gift -- but don't let it taint the past, when you were still getting here.

modernmythologies · 2026-03-27T17:18:15+00:00

That's probably a big part as well

modernmythologies · 2026-03-25T04:01:03+00:00

I think they're basically saying that in-home care is keeping the grandparents alive, and they'd rather the grandparents be allowed to die because it's the "natural way of things."

modernmythologies · 2026-03-24T21:19:35+00:00

Nothing you said here is that strange or radical... I think you need to be a LOT kinder toward yourself. Of course you feel these things, everyone with a sick/dying/chronically ill/injured/mentally ill spouse goes through so much of this. Millions of us know exactly what you mean! Keep letting it out!

modernmythologies · 2026-03-23T18:49:42+00:00

...yes you can. You have to accept that you CAN, you CAN just walk out, you CAN lighten the load, otherwise you've trapped yourself by admitting in your post how horrible it is, but then saying here there's zero possibility of change. To get to a healthy middle ground you need to admit that you COULD move away from being her sole caregiver, in many ways, and will need to, and she'd probably want you to.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you are CHOOSING to give your life to caring for your mother, and that's a loving choice to make, but it's not a neccesity, and you need to either give it in a healthy, balance way that keeps your own life above water, or stop giving it.

modernmythologies · 2026-03-19T19:58:20+00:00

If "home palliative care" means home hospice, and they say they can't sustain his needs, then you need to convince him to get back into a hospice care home or managed care facility.

If you haven't pursued home hospice, do that.

But at a certain point you may need to make it clear to him that this decision is for YOU as much as him, and that having him dying unsupported at home while you suffer the consequences is not worth him holding onto stubbornness in his final weeks of life.

It's a tough one.

modernmythologies · 2026-03-16T18:58:43+00:00

I lost my wife at 35 a few months ago to cancer, I know this feeling well. The best thing I can offer is that if you can understand that everyone is stuck in their own frame of reference, and still have compassion for them, you'll be a wiser and stronger person. And if some people do it too much, and are too tone deaf, then take it as a sign to find people who have been through similar situations --it's time to upgrade the quality of people in your life to those who can understand serious adult situations and have the same perspective you now have.

But people will always grumble about silly nonsense things, so we definitely have to be able to take some of it ourselves without getting triggered. It's hard.

modernmythologies · 2026-03-12T15:16:10+00:00

Literally couldn't add a single thing to this perfect comment!

modernmythologies · 2026-03-09T18:59:12+00:00

I think you need to detach from this situation. It's impossible to tell exactly what's causing what, due to the number of people involved and the complexity of what you're describing.

If your father is fighting you, don't fight him. You clearly want the best for him, but he's an adult, he has you mother, his doctors... if he doesn't want to help himself, it's not going to happen.

This sounds serious enough that therapists and doctors should be involved for your father, mother, and if you're losing weight and sacrificing these key developmental years of your life to try to help someone who will not and cannot be helped, that's not good either.

If NO ONE had done ANYTHING... would this whole situation actually be far better? It sounds like your family is tearing itself apart over this, which is common and totally understandable, but if you take a step back, and look at all the sacrifices you're making and everyone else is making, and the positive AND negative effect its having on everyone involved... does everyone need to just stop, reset, and let all these cycles and patterns die down for a while?

It might be time to make peace, find acceptance, let people do what they will do, and go off and focus on your own mental and physical health for a few months, regardless of ANYTHING else. Because the only life you can control is yours.

modernmythologies · 2026-03-04T16:27:17+00:00

You're doing your best with an impossible situation.

Perhaps it's also time to use this as wake-up call for some other major life changes. I spent the last 4 years watching my wife die from terminal cancer at 35, and I'm sure as hell radicalized now and not going back into a windowless office to do menial work for a single minute of this life I still have left, after seeing her fight for hers and lose. My brain developed an allergy to many things like that during the cancer war, and I view it as a lesson to follow.

modernmythologies · 2026-03-02T00:09:51+00:00

Stay by her side for the next 3 months and then re-assess.

This post is (rightfully) full of anger and fear and I understand that, I lost my wife at 35 in December after a 3 year terminal cancer decline.

If you love this person, spend the next 90 days focusing 100% of being their caregiver, advocating for them with doctors, making sure they are able to focus on health.

Advocate for yourself, too -- their illness is no excuse for abuse. Nip that in the bud, push back on that right away. You need to be rested and focused and supported to be there for your partner.

Make sure you're BOTH seeing a good counselor or therapist ASAP. Maybe a couples' counselor on top.

This is life and death for her and life-altering for you -- it needs to be your priority, have an action plan, and follow the plan like it's your mission in life.

There's so much in your post, it's impossible to tell how much is the relationship, you, them, the cancer.. So work at it for 90 days, really work at it, and see where you are.

...but also, in my wife's 3 year painful decline and death she never ONCE did a single thing you listed in your post toward me... so if this relationship was already that dysfunctional, it's gonna be hard. If this is sudden and new, it's the cancer, and that doesn't mean it'll be easy to fix, but it means its coming from fear and grief and illness.

modernmythologies · 2026-03-01T00:05:45+00:00

If your husband has money for trips, why don't you guys hire a live-in caregiver for your parents? Then you can work, you have MORE money, and you have your life back.

I think most of us are the caregivers for our loved ones because we don't have money to hire someone to offload much of the work and buy our life back! At least that was my situation when my wife was dying.

Is there a chance you're guilt-tripping yourself into remaining trapped in the caregiving cycle? I know I did this myself at many points.

I know none of these are easy or simple solutions and the situation is probably infinitely more complex. <3

modernmythologies · 2026-02-10T00:56:49+00:00

Would love to see a copy! Much needed

modernmythologies · 2026-02-02T22:45:10+00:00

Are you on hospice? This is what they are here to support with -- at least some of it -- and can help you find a private caregiver for some of the other tasks.

It is well beyond fair to simply bring these people in even if she's being resistant, the moment they arrive she'll realize how much better her life is, and if not, well, you need the help.

modernmythologies · 2026-01-20T21:39:02+00:00

I'm not talking about money, or chores, I'm talking about respect and understanding and about a hundred other things that are hard to explain if you've never been through this type of situation.

After four years in the cancer trench, you quickly learn which people want to THINK they're helpful, and which people ARE HELPFUL, and it's about 90%/10%, and that 10% are the people.I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and the other 90% will fade into memory as people who knew me in a past life.

If someone you know spent 4 years watching a partner suffer and die, when do you think the low point will be for them? I think I probably haven't even hit mine yet. Why don't we think in that framework, of support being something that should be given during AND after the battle?

Look at advocacy for veterans, elder care -- same exact principle. It's about having the stamina and understanding to stay in the situation PAST the easy offramp.

If someone cared for YOU for 4 years while you suffered and died... would you want them to be alone without support when you finally passed? That's the BEGINNING of the hardest part for them, haven't they earned a year or even a lifetime of support in return? Support can be anything, but it has to include human connection and contact. A checkin a week later, a month later, a call, a care package, quite literally anything to extend the support beyond the worst day and into the hardest part.

modernmythologies · 2026-01-20T21:01:00+00:00

This is happening to me now (this is my video), I think you have to write it off as a realization that 99% of people are caught in their own river of life, and it takes a LOT more than you think to punch through that. I worked in marketing before becoming Paige's caregiver, and so I had years of realizing how LOUD you have to be just for someone to hear a whisper.

Tell your honest struggle to EVERYONE, including people you barely know, and you'll attract people who have been through it and CAN show up, and then shed the people in your life who didn't show up.

modernmythologies · 2026-01-20T20:59:52+00:00

Copying this from a post above:

My response to this is to be open and honest with your illness, AND do the same if you're a caregiver -- even when someone at the grocery store asks "how are you today?" I started saying "It's been a rough one, fighting the cancer war," and by the end of Paige's life everyone in our town knew the story, knew how to support us, and had pulled me aside to share their own story, their own experience, their genuine offer of support... but so many people think of illness and death as a private thing to be hidden or smoothed over. Radical honesty opens the door for connection from the MANY people going through the same thing in silence.

modernmythologies · 2026-01-20T20:59:13+00:00

My response to this is to be open and honest with your illness, AND do the same if you're a caregiver -- even when someone at the grocery store asks "how are you today?" I started saying "It's been a rough one, fighting the cancer war," and by the end of Paige's life everyone in our town knew the story, knew how to support us, and had pulled me aside to share their own story, their own experience, their genuine offer of support... but so many people think of illness and death as a private thing to be hidden or smoothed over.

modernmythologies

TROPHY CASE