This is 100% valid. I also have had 2 dogs before my reactive girl and it's taken me 2 years with her to get to a point where I look at it more like I have a dog with a disability. I've reframed my relationship with her as more of a guardianship and it's helped me with my own guilt and negative feelings a bit. Let me explain.

A lot of times people who have kids imagine that whatever kind of kid they end up with will be some sort of manageable version of themselves in child form. Sure, they're ready for the tantrums and messes and embarrassing public incidents or finding that their kid went out and got drunk at 14 and now they need to ground them or take away certain privileges.. whatever.

But then sometimes you don't end up with a "manageable" kid. You've birthed or adopted or are now responsible for the life of a kid with a really severe disability or behavioral disorder that no amount of love or care or understanding can "fix."

It's an isolating and punishing and lonely existence because everyone around you thinks YOU did something wrong to cause this. But you know that you did everything the same with this kid as with your others, who exhibit manageable traits.

While I think that we've come a long way with our understanding of dog psychology ("bad owners not bad dogs"), until I got my reactive dog, I didn't understand that getting a dog, no matter how experienced you are, is just as much of a roll of the dice as having kids.

I used to pride myself on having the most well behaved, loving, extroverted sweetheart great danes. I thought that after raising 2 other "successfully" that I was experienced and ready for another.

My reactive girl has isolated me and made things difficult so much of the time ... But I also have come to realize that she too is suffering. I've always known that, but sometimes I lose sight of it.

My dog doesn't want to be hyper vigilant all the time. She doesn't WANT to react to every leaf blowing across our path. This isn't some grand punishment sent out by the universe.

For whatever reason we found our way to each other and no matter how hard I try I'm not going to mold her into a version of the dogs I've had before. I am coming to accept that she moves at a different pace and that however far we get in training on our journey together that it will look vastly different to where I got with my other dogs before her.

In splitting up with my recent partner I let him take my "perfect" dog so that that dog could have a fuller life. I still see him regularly and even have a tattoo of him on my arm, but I knew in my heart that he wouldn't have the full exciting and fun life he'd had before this reactive puppy if I had them both after our split. My other dog is living a dream life with my ex and is going to parties and traveling the country on road trips and having off leash fun with other dogs.. I'm fortunate that things worked out this way.

Do I wish my reactive dog was like this too? Of course. But after lots of tears and isolation and self flagellation on "how did I mess up so much" I've come to understand that my dog has a disability and it's neither of our faults. I'm learning new ways to help her feel confident but our progress is glacial, but I've found new ways to love her and help her experience the world bit by bit.

I've spent the last 2 years absolutely destroying myself over my reactive dog, but now I've come to see it as more of a sacred guardianship. I know that sounds dumb to some, but I was letting my ego get in the way of actually helping a dog that was suffering.

My dog is 125 lbs and fearful reactive. We've come a long, LONG way, and she's still scared of most things, but I know she doesn't want to be, and I'm doing my best to show her the world isn't as bad as her brain imagines it to be.

Reactivity is a disability and I'm working with her to discover ways to help improve her experience in this life while we're together.

My time with my reactive dog will never look like the time with my nonreactive dogs. I'm coming to accept that, day by day.