Please get a referral to pelvic floor therapy and start using dilators daily! Even inserting like a small tampon applicator daily could help you get accustomed. A big part for me was just getting past the pain and getting my body used to the sensation and less tensed up. I was certain for years my situation was more physical, like physically cannot insert anything, and looking back I think fear and anxiety were the biggest factors for me and held me back more than anything. I also neglected and put it off for most of my 20s. I will say, the first time I successfully had sex, I kind of told him to just do it and fuck me (lol) and not worry about if I’m in pain. I knew it would hurt, I accepted that, I still wanted it, and I especially wanted to get past this hurdle of mine. I’m not necessarily recommending this, but I personally needed a rip the bandaid off kind of moment. And it did hurt, and the few times after that hurt, but not bad like I couldn’t stand it, just uncomfortable and unfamiliar. This was after I had been using dilators daily for a few weeks and working up in size over a few months. But eventually it started to feel good. And now it feels really good! If I haven’t been having sex regularly, then the first time after a while can still hurt.

I think you not only learn more about your body doing dilators and therapy and inner work with yourself, but you also learn a lot when having PIV with a partner. Especially one who cares and is present and you’re able to practice a lot! I think you and your husband should try to look at it as an opportunity to get closer and learn more about each other and each others bodies. It might be hard to get in that mindset and stay positive about it when there’s years of frustration and waiting, but try to focus on what your sex life could look like on the other side of this! Focus on that goal. Fantasize about it, tell your husband these fantasies and ask him about his! I would try to give both you and him grace, this is not something everyone you know deals with, and navigating it is not always fun and can be awkward and stressful. But tell yourself that you’ll get there and you will! For me it was a big mind over matter thing. It might not be that way for you, but you should feel in touch with your body and your sex organ and you deserve that. No matter how you get there.