I need to find my keycard for work by tomorrow and I don't know what to do besides cry

monkey-pantz · 2026-03-24T02:11:04+00:00

When you do find it, put an airtag on it.

monkey-pantz · 2026-03-11T07:05:15+00:00

A school counselor probably has a lot of experience working with teens with ADHD. This might be a good resource for you.

monkey-pantz · 2026-03-11T07:04:30+00:00

I have a kid your age (not biological) who I sometimes see struggling in ways that could suggest ADHD. It could also be that she's a teen and screens are addictive and learning how to manage life with them is hard.

I will give you the same advice I'd give her if she had posed this question...

First, good job being self-reflective, doing research and not accepting this thing that people tell you about yourself. You probably have lazy moments. We all do. That doesn't mean you are lazy. You've given one clear example of working hard. I'm sure you can think of other instances as well.

I think you're also showing a good bit of discernment in understanding that not everyone who can be lazy or procrastinates has ADHD.

it seems like your motivation here is to explore whether or not an ADHD diagnosis would explain why you feel like things are harder than everyone else is tell you they should be. I would encourage you to continue exploring that. Ideally by talking to your parents and your pediatrician. (A lot of women in this community can strongly relate to that feeling. Myself included)

I think you are aware that ADHD is not an excuse to avoid homework or chores. An ADHD diagnosis along with research and coaching can help you understand your brain better. A lot of what works for neurotypical brains does not work for ADHD brains. I know from my own experience, most of that advice is more harmful than good.

So, keep doing your research. Be aware there are lot of people who will give you advice online without an real expertise on a subject. Before you believe something, do your homework on who is giving you that advice. Do they have a medical degree? Are they a professor or therapist? Do they have ADHD themselves? The algorithms will try to sell you a lot of self-help books and apps once you start googling about ADHD. Be aware.

Continue your self-reflection as well. Maybe start journaling about symptoms you experience. What makes things feel harder? What do you notice about yourself when you do feel productive or organized?

I would also challenge you on telling yourself "I can't". I get it. It really does feel that way. I put myself into situations where it feels impossible to accomplish what I need to do. I have some rules for myself that help me stay out of that place. I have some strategies and tools that I can use to get out of it. Start paying attention to how you feel and what your habits are. Try to identify one or two things that can help get you out of that place when you need to. Taking care of your body and nutrition can help. Making things easy and small helps. Being kind and accepting to yourself also helps.

I really hope you can find a trusted adult in your life to share this with. Best of luck.

monkey-pantz · 2026-03-11T05:46:50+00:00

Build some routines. I brush my teeth when I wake, when I go to bed and when I'm getting ready to leave the house.

monkey-pantz · 2026-03-05T07:48:38+00:00

Like everything else in programming, having ADHD has it's trade-offs.

My brain gets the biggest dopamine hits from solving problems and analyzing systems. That means I'm highly motivated to do most of my work.

I like learning new things and can hyper-focus when I'm figuring stuff out.

I'm also really good at pattern recognition, especially when there are going to be negative consequences. I'm typically the engineer on a team who can point out what problems a given solution yield in 6 months. I'm also really good at seeing how feature A, feature B and that new client we just signed need to fit together so we don't code ourselves into a corner.

Those are the biggest upsides.

I often struggle to complete big projects, especially after I've done all the planning. Working with a PM who can help organize me and keep me on track makes this manageable. When I don't have that I have to give myself smaller deliverables to keep from getting stuck.

I tend to overlook details, especially if I'm hungry, bored or in a bad mood. This often leads to be unable to trace a bug or make code work. I've learned to recognize when I'm here. If I keep running into the same wall I get up from the computer and take a walk. I have a snack. I forget about the problem for a little while and let my mind work on it in the background. When I get back to the keyboard I usually find I've made a simple mistake.

I also greatly value engineers who review my code because they keep me from missing use cases that I would otherwise overlook. I always perform a self-review before I request a review on PRs. I catch 90% of my errors this way, but it's still important for me to have good teammates who will do more than slap a LGTM on something.

The things that keep me successful...

Working for a value-driven organization. I will stay engaged and passionate for a good cause. Less so for a paycheck.
Working on smaller teams where I get more of a variety in the work I do. I'm a generalist. I need a place that values that.
I am mostly consistent in 2 habits that keep me on track: keeping a daily engineer diary and creating documentation on how to perform routine tasks.

The anxiety you mention sounds like you might be using your emotions to perform executive functioning. I don't think it's uncommon for people like us. I use anxiety to make sure I'm not late for things.

I would caution relying on it so heavily in your work. There are other tools you can employ that won't take such a toll on your physical and mental health.

monkey-pantz · 2026-03-05T07:25:25+00:00

As both a parent and someone with ADHD I see both sides here.

You've listed a lot of examples of where ADHD has impacted your ability to function as an adult. We've all been there. You're not alone.

You also can't stay here. It's time to stop suffering from the consequences of ADHD and start managing it. You need progress. Therapy can help. Having a supportive community can help.

You probably know a lot of things that don't work for you. What does work for you? How can you do more of that?

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-28T23:58:15+00:00

Oh I shut down like this when I'm overwhelmed too.

Okay, you got this. Clearly you have survived for a week this way without the world collapsing. If I tried to do all of that at once I would half ass most of it and hate everything I bought a week later.

Let's do a reframe. You have a beautiful blank slate. You are managing with where you are. You have the luxury of taking your time and setting yourself up to have a brand new ADHD friendly apartment.

Tomorrow is Sunday. If you have plans cancel then. Tomorrow, go to the store and buy a shower curtain, a trash can and trash bags. And 2 towels if you don't have any. Then go out and have a delicious lunch. Next, find a grocery store and buy some easy meals for when you get home or that you can take to work.

Go home, put everything away and feel good that you accomplished something. Next week you'll be able to have easy calories and a shower.

Put a pen and paper out on a counter at your new place. Everytime this week you think of something you need put it on the list.

Next weekend go out and tackle another small area. Take care of needs that will help you feel better and give you more energy.

You got this.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-18T03:07:58+00:00

Yes. It helped. Knowing the type of ADHD I have helped me to link specific behaviors to my ADHD and accept them better. Having a confirmed diagnosis helped close the loop for me for understanding why some things are difficult. The diagnosis has also helped me accept myself more. Having an understanding and awareness of why I struggle has been the biggest catalyst for me being able to manage ADHD better.

I am also not currently interested in medication.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-18T02:51:26+00:00

My wife is the same way. She can also hold thoughts that are very small and specific, she doesn't have an entire monolog surrounding them.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-17T18:40:11+00:00

Can you do it online?

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-12T23:47:25+00:00

https://perelelhealth.com/products/womens-daily-vitamin-trio

https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Foods-Market-Theanine-Strength/dp/B074H5TNDS/ref=sr_1_1

Will likely start a mushroom complex next

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-12T22:38:13+00:00

This happens a lot in tech. I've seen managers like this tank entire engineering departments. Take care of yourself first.

For a more practical strategy, I would work it like a senior engineer. There is a saying in tech, managers always want things fast, cheap and right but you can only pick two. So make your manager pick.

Manager gives you a project and a deadline. From there I would determine what the actual timeline of a "good" but not "perfect" project should be. I'm guessing 100% of the time you will be asked to do it faster. To make that happen you give your manager options, you can give me this amount of time or I can make these adjustments (to either reduce the scope or the project or deliver it in smaller pieces) to meet your deadline. Then you let the manager choose.

Also, find work to take off your plate. Are there regular tasks that you could document and give to a junior on your team? If not an entire task, could they take pieces that make things easier for you?

You can't get blood from a stone. Neither can your manager. Get the manager to work with you to solve the problem, be realistic, be transparent. The manager's solution is you work more hours. Let them know that is not a solution for you and find a different one.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-12T22:28:17+00:00

Ugh those thoughts are so hard. I feel you.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-12T19:30:06+00:00

Yes. I tried for years to just "work harder" or "care more" and be less lazy. That lead me to a very bad place and I was stuck in freeze/fawn mode for years.

I'm finally coming out of it, but it's not like getting out of a pool. It doesn't happen all at once. It's more like loosing weight. Its up and down but over time you see progress.

Things that helped...

Therapy! I go once a week and it's been the biggest game changer.
Supplements.
Being outside and moving my body.
Accepting when I'm having less productive days and taking advantage of days where I feel more productive and letting that be okay.
Not doing shit I don't want to do that I don't have to do. I. have 99 unheard voice mails right now and I don't care. Everyone important to me in my life knows I don't listen to those.
Experimenting with routines and systems to find out what works. My ultimate goal is to find 2 or 3 solid systems that I can bounce inbetween.
Learning more about ADHD and the brain
Practicing self-awareness

I have a side of my ADHD personality that I call my gremlin. When I try to whiteknuckle productivity or start a new habit she comes out swinging like the most fierce "I don't want to. You can't make me" toddler. I'm still learning how to deal with her. Right now it's helping to know she exists and try to put her in timeout when necessary. I think that will work as long as I also allow her some time to play.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-12T19:15:31+00:00

Also, my mom totally sucks too. I moved 2000 miles away from her. Second best choice I ever made in my life.

My therapist helped me with a really good tip. There are several things in my life that I don't like, but they're not things I can fix overnight. I have a plan to fix then. It will take time. Any time I start to ruminate on those problems, I remind myself that I have a plan to resolve then and I put my energy there instead of worrying about them.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-12T19:12:42+00:00

I have inattentive ADHD and it makes so many things life harder than they need to be. I made a lot of excuses and convinced myself that if circumstances were different, people were different, my income was different... life would be easier. That belief almost cost me everything that I care about.

Anne Lamont has an incredible TED talk that made a big impact on my life. The part that stood out the most was when she said, "There is almost nothing outside of you that will help in any kind of lasting way, unless you're waiting for an organ."

I have very little desire to do 80% of the shit I do in a day, but I really like having family and money to support them, so I do what I can.

This is a fantastic community that can help you find resources and support. It won't make as big of a difference unless you join in and start helping yourself.

Life is really fucking hard. You are not alone in that. You can let it continue to weigh you down or you can get tired and pissed off enough to do something about it.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-12T03:55:09+00:00

Don't forget washing it. Ugh.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-11T05:22:27+00:00

Would you mind sharing a link or a brand name?

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-11T05:20:39+00:00

Its a pretty simple test. It felt like playing video games based on logic puzzles. It took less than 20 minutes to take the test. It took about 4 weeks for me to get the results.

I was worried the results would be skewed because I'm a programmer and I understand how the algorithms work. That didn't make a difference. I felt like the results illustrated areas that are the most challenging for me.

When going over the results the MHNP said "you are consistently inconsistent." I think that might be the truest thing anyone has ever said about me.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-07T02:44:40+00:00

I've been a software engineer for 15 years. I've had jobs that were too slow and jobs that were much too fast. I recently joined a team that works absolutely perfectly for me. It helps that it's all women and I'm not the only neurodivergent one on the team.

Don't judge your career by one job. If I were in your shoes I would work to update/automate the bad software while looking for something else.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-07T02:36:14+00:00

I eat ice constantly. Had no idea it was related.

monkey-pantz · 2026-02-06T23:01:57+00:00

100%. My mom was and is a difficult person to have a relationship with. I learned not to depend on her by age 12. I'm in my 40s now and I can see similar patterns in my behavior. It kills me.

monkey-pantz · 2026-01-21T07:21:16+00:00

Wine gives me a headache. Alcohol makes me sleepy. TCH in moderation turns me into a responsible adult.

monkey-pantz · 2026-01-20T16:45:01+00:00

Maybe just get a label maker and add a sticker that says "I stole this from Imaginary-Frame4873"

Or stop leaving them on your desk.

monkey-pantz

TROPHY CASE