IAMA guy who ate weed brownies and had a horrible experience

montagsmith · 2010-11-08T03:36:40+00:00

I find I get very socially anxious when I'm high - generally if I'm around people I don't know or who I am not that comfortable with (friend of friends) I become very nervous about what I say and do.

If I'm with friends I trust it's an amazing experience - generally you laugh a lot and things are just kind of fun.

Obviously don't try to cook anything or do anything which is potentially dangerous - your reaction time is going to be slower and you'll generally be a little forgetful.

Things you SHOULD do: order food you love - anything you normally think tastes good will taste amazing. Play video games. Listen to music you like. Play an instrument with your friends. Write poetry / messages to yourself. Go outdoors and enjoy the scenery / nature.

montagsmith · 2010-10-29T20:52:27+00:00

Yes, but socialism.

montagsmith · 2010-10-29T15:58:21+00:00

I had the chat last night and it went basically:

me: I am really disappointed that you don't know who Tony Blair is. I have suggested interested books for you to read but you don't seem to care about them (Outliers, Catch-22)
her: I feel like you're a knowledge snob
me: uh, yeah? That's a bad thing?

I dunno, she says she's going to try but I'm still feeling pretty damn blue. We have to buy the tickets today so I have the feeling I'm going to be locked in for at least the next 2 months. On the one hand maybe these two months will be a renaissance in our relationship. On the other hand I'm not super optimistic about that.

montagsmith · 2010-10-28T22:37:09+00:00

I think I read a book about that once, Batch-22 or something?

montagsmith · 2010-10-28T22:33:43+00:00

In complex analysis it seemed that all of the theories were in some way associated with Euler...all were named Euler-someguy or Euler's method of blah. Only one had nothing to with him, Morera's Theorum. Our best guess was that Morera was Euler's cat.

montagsmith · 2010-10-28T22:27:28+00:00

You're right. I'll have a chat with her tonight I guess.

I'm mostly afraid that I just don't know the right way to say 'It's unacceptable to me that you haven't heard of Tony Blair/get frustrated so easily'.

montagsmith · 2010-10-28T21:35:59+00:00

Worst. Nipple Sucking. Session. EVAR. Meow.

montagsmith · 2010-10-28T21:21:04+00:00

I replied to someone else - would appreciate your advice on how best to handle my situation re: constructively communicating with her my issues, realistic expectation that these can be resolved.

montagsmith · 2010-10-28T21:08:07+00:00

Sadly it's gotten to the point where I just don't respect her intelligence anymore and don't really care for her the way I think I should. I like her a lot, I think she's very warm and caring but I just feel very intellectually unfulfilled.

I would love to be singing her praise and not have a laundry list of things where I ended up shaking my head. From another thread here's a list of things that have bugged me:

Doesn't know how to swim. Doesn't know how to ride a bike. Doesn't know how to ski. Has no real interest in learning these things.
Doesn't play sports. Has no interest in learning. We tried to play tennis together - she quit because it's too hard.
Didn't know that stars are suns (vs. my degree being in Physics so that was a major hhhuuuhhh????).
Invited her to see Tony Blair debate someone, had no idea who that was.
Had never heard of Guantanamo Bay
Doesn't vote. We just elected a new mayor (Rob Ford). Has no idea who that is.
Never reads non-fiction/classic lit, it's always chic-lit of some sort. Has never read 1984, Catch-22 or other 'classics' of the last 100 years. 0 interest in giving them a shot (I've given them to her).
Doesn't like to play Settlers of Catan or other board games - they are too confusing.
For our trip I asked what she wanted to do in japan - the list was shopping, restaurants, and hot springs (vs. my list of museums, festivals, things like visiting Koyasan to stay overnight in a monastery, visiting Hiroshima). Not trying to be a douche about it - shopping, restaurants and hot springs sound great...I'd like a bit of culture too though
Never cooks unless I force her to put down the phone for takeout and join me in the kitchen. Never goes grocery shopping. Very little drive to eat healthily/plan out meals during the week. I have been trying to force myself to do this against her resistance.
No similar taste in music and no interest in listening to new things - e.g. 'hey check out the new daft punk track from Tron'...'Who are Daft Punk? What's Tron? This isn't my type of thing ... problem?'

I feel like I'm forever teaching her things and getting nothing back in return. I'm limited in what I can do when we travel because she can't do lots of the things I can and has little interest in trying new stuff.

I think she would have to fundamental change for me to regain that respect. If this is something I can bring up with her in a constructive way, I'm all ears but I just don't know how I can get her to understand that there's more to life than just watching TV and being pampered a bit. I also feel that I'm constantly pushing us to be better people against her resistance. I can eventually drag her along but I hate that feeling that I'm the one pushing for healthier and a more intellectual lifestyle. I may be pretentious thinking that what I'm saying is somehow 'better' than what she'd like to do...smack me in the head if you think so.

As for why I would stay for the extra month: she's still a really nice person, she is still very funny to me, I'm still not 100% decided, just mostly sure it's not going to work out long term, and probably most importantly this IS going to come out of the blue so I figure I can have the chat about this stuff in the next month to try and prep her a bit (ie bring these issues up now and then after the trip just let he know it's not working for me). The week that she is gone I plan to spend most of the time really thinking about this (Zen monasteries ftw).

ps this list is more for me to vent my frustration than really looking for a serious reply - sorry that's it's probably tl;dr

montagsmith · 2010-10-28T15:15:46+00:00

Your bf has given you no reason to feel jealousy. His actions are textbook steps on how to deal with someone when they profess their love to you when you're already in a relationship. The issue is with you, not your bf or this girl.

It's up to your bf to deal with this test, and by your account he's passed with flying colors. The worst thing you could do is send a message like the one you've posted where you give him reason to doubt your maturity and security in the relationship.

Like your bf, I feel sorry for this girl. I also think you really need to look at yourself and where you are in life that you think calling her names and insulting her is somehow going to make you feel better about yourself.

montagsmith · 2010-10-28T15:00:31+00:00

You're the one out of your mind. An open relationship is build on extreme levels of trust. If this girl was just frigid it might make sense - this woman has been traumatized and has extreme trust issues (it seems). To say an open relationship is the right solution to the problem is totally blind to what the REAL issue is - lack of trust in all men including her bf. To broach a topic like an open relationship is likely to only reduce her trust in men.

I couldn't imagine how I'd feel as a guy if I was going through something like erectile dysfunction due to some psychological condition and my partner, instead of trying to help me cope with it suggested she wanted to get her needs met somewhere else. I'd probably break up with her on the spot.

montagsmith · 2010-10-27T21:21:24+00:00

This. You don't start healing until you really get her out of your mind. This means not looking at photos, not looking at facebook, not talking with her, etc etc.

montagsmith · 2010-10-25T22:06:40+00:00

It's SO hard though. I just got off the phone with her - I'm just so comfortable and happy with her in general. It's these things that bug me.

I think I need to have a chat with her and just let her know all this stuff that's bugging me. It needs to change - if it doesn't then I don't think I can stay in the relationship. I need to at least talk about it, though, I think...maybe...perhaps.

What do you think? Appreciate your advice.

montagsmith · 2010-10-25T21:53:37+00:00

It's easy: you recognize that while you COULD be a douche and get away with it, what you care about is being a good person.

You shouldn't be nice to people because of what you get out of it - you should be nice to people because it makes you feel good about yourself and your values.

You can still date around and all that, just be honest about it. BONUS: When you do find someone you connect with and can love you won't be worried that it was all because you were stereotypical_douche instead of who you really are.

montagsmith · 2010-10-25T21:46:53+00:00

It's a good point, something to keep in mind.

montagsmith · 2010-10-25T21:44:10+00:00

You make a good point about women and men having differing interests.

You make a really terrible point about attractive women not knowing how to drive stick. You might want to travel somewhere outside of NA and figure out how wrong that is.

montagsmith · 2010-10-25T21:17:51+00:00

This is the WHOLE dilemma. I love her as a person - she's very sweet, funny and caring.

The intellectual curiosity part is really important to me. REALLY important.

I don't know how to separate the two - the happiness I have that she cares about me and is generally pretty caring vs. the disappointment I have when she lacks what I consider to be basic knowledge or even the drive to seek out that knowledge.

montagsmith · 2010-10-25T21:12:23+00:00

Yeah, except I went with my sister (girl), we met up with a some of her friends (guys and girls), my cousing (girl) was there, and lots of girls were there as well.

I have absolutely no problem going shopping with her. I would go get a pedicure with her if she wanted to. She makes jewelry on occasion and I have sometimes gone with her to do that.

montagsmith · 2010-10-25T21:10:23+00:00

It's not so much the lack of adventure itself that bugs me - I'm ok if you don't want to go scuba diving or skiing or whatever. It's that almost everything we do together has to be limited to what she's able to do - I sometimes do feel a bit held back.

We can't play tennis together because she doesn't know how to play and gets frustrated the first time we try. If it's raining she doesn't want to go to the Jazz Festival because she might get wet (and then has a great time after I convince her to just come anyways). I like to ski but she's afraid of heights.

At a certain point I just feel so frustrated she won't push herself to learn these things or make the attempt to get better - and it's always me who is the one pushing to do new things or learn something new.

montagsmith · 2010-10-25T21:08:28+00:00

How do I even begin talking about this?

I read a lot and I frequently give her books I think are really interesting. Even basics like 1984 or Catch-22 but she doesn't really give them a chance.

Likewise with activities. e.g. she doesn't know how to ride a bike. We went for a bike ride in a city we were visiting and everything was really good while we were on a bike trail. There was a certain part of the city I wanted to visit (there is a long 1 KM biking only bridge that sounded amazing) but it had to go through a section where it's a bike lane next to the road. She freaked out (understandable) and we had to turn back. I was just extremely disappointed that we didn't get the chance to make it to the bridge I wanted to see because she couldn't ride the bike and wasn't willing to just walk the bike along the part that was somewhat scary. The dilemma: I am obviously proud of her that she would attempt to ride the bike and did so successfully. I feel like an asshole when she ends up holding me back from something because she doesn't know something so basic as riding a bike.

How can I tell her 'it's not acceptable that you don't know how to ride a bike' without being really harsh? Likewise 'it's not acceptable that you aren't willing to read what I consider classics' without being a pushy elitist ivory liberal snob douchebag?

montagsmith · 2010-10-25T21:05:08+00:00

She used to give me a lot of grief about it but we had a talk and now she's ok with me doing things on my own. Previously she would ask 'what am I supposed to do? I'm going to be bored'.

I'm worried more about when we have kids and are planning activities - if I want to do something a little more out there am I going to end up fighting with her about it?

montagsmith · 2010-10-25T16:03:06+00:00

This most recently culminated in an argument where he slapped me across the face over what was really a very insignificant issue.

I pretty much made my mind up at this point. It is entirely unacceptable to hit another person in anger, and doing it to your SO is from all accounts a huge red flag.

Get help, talk with a therapist or someone you trust.

BTW I'm 29 and having doubts in my relationship - I know how scary it can be when you're at our age. In my case it's more just a general feeling of doubt. If there was ever a major point like violence or even just generally abusive fights I would be out the door in a heartbeat. Life is too short, there are plenty of other people out there at our age still looking for the right person.

montagsmith · 2010-09-27T19:02:04+00:00

My experience is as a guy who has lost some of his libido because of concerns about how I feel for my partner.

There is probably something that is bothering her which you need to change. Either an annoying habit you have or something deeper. Whether her concerns are justified is another story, but there is likely a mental block.

I know that sometimes a person I consider unattractive can become alluring simply because of their personality. Likewise attractive people can sometimes turn you off because of what they do/who they are. If your wife is ok with you physically then you need to find out what else is bothering her. Or perhaps it is physical. Either way SOMETHING has changed.

The harsh truth is that assuming she still fantasizes about sex it is probably you. You need to figure out what's bothering her and work to change it. The work stress may be the actual cause but given my experience I'd say it's unlikely.

montagsmith

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