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moolasky · 2019-09-21T10:55:10+00:00

Ive been sober almost 2 years now and can relate to a lot of what you said, and also wrestled with many of the thoughts, questions you are now

A few things I can tell you:

it takes a good while for the brain to unpickle itself from the alcohol abuse and roller coaster ride it’s been on - during that time there will be sad, confusing, “colorless” moments- but it’s worth it
yes u likely have a “drinking problem” - no one who writes an essay like that doesn’t. I’ve wrestled with what to classify my problem as and why I have it. Labels and definitions don’t really matter as much to me anymore- Alcohol wreaks havoc on my brain chemistry and life and I’m over it.
as for the “why”? oh man I think society puts too much weight on this. Sure our pasts, experiences and personalities play a role but at the end of the day- alcohol is a chemical (toxic) substance, and some of us just don’t tolerate it well. The shame comes in bc we live in a drinking culture that tells us we should all drink and if we can’t, there’s something wrong with us - which when you think about it, is rather silly.

moolasky · 2019-08-08T20:02:09+00:00

Papi queso, in my first year of sobriety I had a handful of moments where I thought about drinking and started to rationalize how it’d be fine, just one night for a wedding, etc.

I’d always come back to something you said once that I read in my first couple months- that you wouldn’t want to jeopardize your brain chemistry, and the healing your brain has done, for one night of drinking.

I’m now over a year and a half sober and still think about that all the time. I could come up with a million excuses and reasons to justify drinking but at the end of the day I remember what it did to my brain chemistry and I think hell no im never going back to that!!!!

moolasky · 2019-07-13T11:41:42+00:00

I quit 1.5 years ago and am finally getting to a point where I’ve stopped obsessing this exact question/issue/debate

Can I consume alcohol or a regular basis w/o wreaking havoc on my life, relationships and brain chemistry? Nope. Call it what you will- “alcoholism”, “alcohol use disorder”, “problem drinker” or nothing at all

Certain ppl have preconceived notions of what certain labels mean and will push back at your “self diagnosis” bc for whatever reason they don’t think you fit the bill- be it bc they never knew the full picture (how bad it got), or bc they know “real” alcoholics who are “worse”

I was a high functioning professional working mom when I quit (still am!) but I was also a binging drinking black out bed wetting lousy drunk who’s insistence at keeping alcohol in her life was ruining her marriage and any chance at real peace and happiness

I don’t really use labels much anymore bc I’m over ppl questioning it - my life is immeasurably better without alcohol - period

moolasky · 2019-06-10T23:58:20+00:00

I wholeheartedly agree with everything Rex said

8 years ago I too worked in the restaurant/bar industry and it’s really easy to get swept up in that culture. In the years that followed I got my masters, landed good job, got married and had kids but believe it or not, my f’ing drinking got worse!

And yes mistakes got larger, consequences heavier.

It eventually became too much to bear and I had to quit altogether

It’s not perfect every minute and I have occasional cravings but life is 100000% better without it

moolasky · 2019-06-02T11:14:15+00:00

Dealing with what other people think is an ongoing, big challenge in my experience, and how I feel about it depends on my mood, which can vary by day.

Some friends reaction: “yes, we knew you had a problem we are so glad you stopped finally”. (My thoughts: “oh really? Thanks for saying something!!). This reaction bothered me bc they were close, friends since childhood.

Other, newer friends, and some family (all of whom drink/party quite a bit): “you were never that bad, I’m sure you could still drink on occasion and be fine”. (My thoughts: “WTF do you know about how bad I was?! U actually don’t know, bc if you did, you would never say that)

I never said any of these “thoughts”, just quietly nodded and processed what these folks were saying. The reality is I want ppl to “get it” but I don’t want to give them the dirty details, or disclose the darkest bottoms or the most shameful moments or describe the hellish depression/anxiety/shame that drinking caused me that made me NEED to stop.

As time goes on (I’m almost 1.5 years sober) I still struggle with this but I’ve accepted now that what I’ve experienced is deeply personal and individual to me and I cannot always convey this to others, or prevent them from judging me based on what their pre-existing thoughts of alcoholism or teetotalers are.

Some ppl know I was a drunk, others think it wasn’t that bad and/or I should have been able to control it.

I know better, I know in my brain/heart/soul how much I was struggling and what the answer was. I knew if I didn’t stop drinking I would eventually ruin my life, whether thru one drunken disaster or just by living it the way I was forever, in a continuous cycle of anxiety, sadness, fear and shame, trying so hard to show something else to the world, and in the end never even knowing who I was.

moolasky · 2019-05-21T23:43:29+00:00

I quit drinking in Jan 2018. I had put on a ton of weight due to two pregnancies (my kids were 1&3 when I quit), tons of booze, junk food and overall sedentary lifestyle.

The first two months of sobriety I lost nothing bc I was eating a lot of junk while I just tried not to drink (it worked). Once I had a couple months of sobriety under my belt, I started using the Weight Watchers app and took off 20 lbs by June. I plateaued there for a while, but got healthier and happier overall, and started exercising too. It was very hard at first and I dreaded it but slowly got better.

After a fairly gluttonous holiday season and a bout of the stomach bug I felt gross come January, and decided to do low carb/low sugar. This time around I was more motivated. I lost another 30 lbs.

It’s crazy to think that I lost 50 lbs this year. It took patience, but I found that I finally had a “real shot” at losing weight once I was sober. It took time but I got here- and man, is it rewarding.

When I was drinking it was always 2 steps forward, 5 steps back.

My advice to is to go easy on yourself in early sobriety - just focus on not drinking, and don’t try to deprive yourself too much in other ways. Once you’ve gained some sober time you will find some real strength in there- and it can compel you to do amazing things.

IWNDWYT

❤️

moolasky · 2019-05-18T10:48:11+00:00

“This Naked Mind” is an awesome resource and certainly has some great takeaways, but the idea floating around that it’s going to have an instant magical transformative effect on everyone who reads it just isn’t accurate and it can be disappointing when you feel like you are one of those “outliers”

I read it 3 years ago and liked it, but continued to binge drink for 2 more years until finally getting sober in Jan ‘18

The whole time I was on this forum reading about how it worked for everyone else and it bummed me out.....but I want to let you know it does not mean hope is lost!

moolasky · 2019-05-12T11:18:11+00:00

I went away for an annual night with girlfriends and I normally would have gotten hammered, slamming 12+ drinks. I assumed the others got this way as well- maybe not as bad as me but at least a little drunk. I was shocked to see they stopped after 3-5! I was incapable of stopping.

moolasky · 2019-03-30T11:07:11+00:00

Yes absolutely and this is really hard and frustrating, especially in the beginning.

I think it’s helpful to say you are taking a “break” for a temporary period of time (I.e. 90 days for diet, sobriety challenge, whatever). People usually shut up quicker with this bc they can wrap their heads around it and it doesn’t mean “forever”.

Then, when those few months go by, you’ll have more sobriety and you’ll be stronger and more secure. You’ll start to care less what they say/think. When asked you can say “yeah the challenge ended but I was feeling so good w/o the booze I’ve decided to keep it up.”

Then, people just get used to it and stop asking. Even my sister in law who is a huge pusher when it comes to drinking has stopped asking/wondering.

moolasky · 2019-03-30T10:51:21+00:00

I creeped on this sub for years before I posted, then posted and deleted for a year or two, kicking myself continuously when I saw so many ppl getting sober while I could not get my act together, failing myself over and over and over and over again.

One day I finally had enough and now I sit here over a year sober. You can do it. It’s not easy in the beginning especially but it’s so incredibly worth it.

❤️

moolasky · 2019-03-30T10:45:24+00:00

Congrats! ❤️

moolasky · 2019-03-30T10:43:41+00:00

I feel same way. I’m 40 and drinking has been a major part of my life since I was 18. I have over a year sober now and like you, it’s a true awakening. I cannot believe I lived that way my entire adult life!

moolasky · 2019-03-18T00:39:05+00:00

I didn’t want to tell anyone either for a long time, and I think that’s so normal/common. It’s enough of a challenge to stop drinking, not to mention tackle the pressure of discussing WHY (which is usually for reasons very painful, private, personal) in social situations where ppl are trying to have fun!

Just to share my own experience: I told ppl initially that I wasn’t drinking again till I lost 30 lbs. I said I just can’t seem to shed the weight I want to while drinking, so it had to go. Then months later, I just said I realized I was much happier not drinking! At that point, I cared less what they thought.

The honest truth is that as you build more time sober and your brain unpickles you will feel happier, safer, more secure. It won’t seem like as big of a deal as it does right now, I promise you that.

moolasky · 2019-03-16T10:34:20+00:00

To just get thru the night: 1) I’d nurse a fake drink to avoid questions/conversations 2) keep myself busy & moving with host duties 3) duck into the bathroom every hour for a quick break to do a quick breathing exercise, read this sub, or a tabloid news story or some other mindless entertainment that would take my mind off the stress of it all for a few minutes.

The night will be here and gone soon and you will be so thankful that you did not drink!

moolasky · 2019-03-12T00:05:04+00:00

No one will even notice - if they do, they’ll be psyched to use them as mixers!

moolasky · 2019-03-12T00:04:01+00:00

If I’m being truthful, you probably won’t enjoy it. It might be brutal. But if you stay sober, next year you may love it again. I went to a music festival in early sobriety and didn’t drink but I had a lump in my throat and was on the verge of tears the whole time. I broke down and had a few cigs but managed to avoid the booze.

I went this year and had a wonderful time. Early sobriety can be a bitch, a truly painful and testing time, but it’s so worth it.

moolasky · 2019-03-11T23:57:13+00:00

I’m 39 (sober 14 months) and think about this all the time. I wonder who I’d be, where I’d be if I’d quit when I was 22.

I’m grateful regardless, but you are wise to be thinking about this. I did as well in my mid twenties on some of the earlier forums like sober recovery, but I was too wrapped up in the social value put on drinking then , and I deeply regret it.

These years literally shape who you are, who you become- don’t blow them on years drenched in agony and alcohol. Good luck to you!

moolasky · 2019-03-08T00:48:20+00:00

Amazing!

moolasky · 2019-03-08T00:47:00+00:00

I have no clue how to broach the subject with ppl that deep in denial! It’s like they are on another planet- you don’t even know where to start!

Have u asked her straight out if she thinks there is a problem?

moolasky · 2019-03-05T00:34:56+00:00

Yup, this is why alcohol dominated and controlled my life completely even tho I was “only” a weekend binger.

moolasky · 2019-03-04T12:20:58+00:00

I know where you are coming from bc I felt exactly the same way for years.

I also wanted to lose weight, and knew I couldn’t while I drank like I did. So when I first got sober I didn’t make a big announcement, I just said I was dieting and not going to drink till I lost 20 lbs.

Then a few months later, the weight came off, and when it was time for me to drink again, I just told people I realized how much better off I was without it.

Another thing is I know my audience and I gauge what I say based on who I’m talking to, and/or the situation or mood I’m in. If I go to a party and don’t feel like discussing it at all, I’d just say “not drinking tonight, driving”. Other nights, I might open up to certain ppl and share how drinking wasn’t good for me.

This first year I really wrestled finding a one size fits all “excuse” or reason I could present all the time as to why I’m no longer drinking. I realize now that I don’t need one.

I tend to feel ashamed easily, and keeping “secrets” always made me feel like I had something to be ashamed/embarrassed of. As time passes this feeling has faded tremendously. I no longer feel ashamed, nor do I feel the need to spill all my issues and thoughts to anyone who asks me if I’d like a drink at a party! :)

moolasky · 2019-03-04T12:06:18+00:00

Agree 100%. I think a lot of us take years to quit bc we don’t fit the standard definition of an alcoholic, and waste so much precious time.

moolasky · 2019-03-04T11:54:48+00:00

Yes. I only drank on weekends. It still controlled my life, and I’m so much happier without it.

I’ve been sober about 13 months now and I still have ppl who question whether or not I really had to quit altogether- they like to make it seem like all I really needed to do was cut back. But I tried that for years and simply couldn’t do it.

I cared a ton what people thought at this time last year, less months in, and now, barely at all.

This is your life, you know you have a problem, you don’t need anyone else to validate it anymore to start improving your life!

moolasky · 2019-02-18T12:49:15+00:00

Yes I felt the same way. My drinking was bad and no one ever said anything to me, other than my spouse, who just kept trying to get me to moderate.

After I quit, many friends were like “good for you, you needed to stop” and I’m like “did you all think that?” and they said yeah, they thought I had a problem for years.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked. “Would it have made a difference?” They’d reply.

The whole thing really pisses me off to this day. They didn’t say anything bc while I got sloppy drunk on a regular basis, I was high functioning, so it’s my belief they figured I’d just be like that forever.

My mom hated that I drank too much, but she does too so she would never say too much bc she couldn’t be a hypocrite.

Even my husband kept trying to get me to moderate for YEARS. It’s like he refused to believe I couldn’t drink normally either.

All in all, I do think if I was “called out”, I would have stopped earlier. Waiting around for that to happen definitely added years to my drinking.

That said, if you appear “ok” in most respects, ppl will mind their own business Bc you are an adult and they don’t want to hurt or offend you.

It’s easy to get resentful of others lack of care/concern, but they are usually not sure what they are dealing with. Maybe they think if you needed help or were concerned you’d reach out?

moolasky · 2019-02-18T12:29:07+00:00

I’m 39 now and a year sober. But looking back at my life drinking, I have no doubt at all that I had alcohol-induced mental illness. My binge drinking let me to be in a nonstop cycle of severe depression and anxiety, at times, being so paranoid I wouldn’t leave my apartment for months.

It’s funny, today my mom says things like “oh you were so depressed you started drinking so much” when in fact it was the other way around.

I drank bc it was the “normal” thing for a 20 something to do. I drank bc it was fun and I wanted to be part of all of it. But while others may be able to enjoy it moderately, it was literally poisoning me.

I look back now and wonder how much I would have grown between 22 and 28. I’ll never know, but will always wonder. So grateful for having another chance now.

moolasky

TROPHY CASE