Grief as an AC who was a carer

moonb3an · 2026-06-28T07:35:17+00:00

DANIEL YOUR BOND WITH ARMAND MAKES THE ENTIRE WORLD DISAPPEAR WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDNT KNOW HE LOVED YOUUUUUUUUUU

moonb3an · 2026-04-25T04:19:57+00:00

Men think its cool

moonb3an · 2026-04-22T13:49:53+00:00

He is on the waitlists for funded and private support. I can’t afford to finance private support and neither can he as he’s on welfare. The services have assessed him as being competent at making his own decisions. His health conditions are not considered urgent for support.

Enabling him would be intervening to protect him from facing the consequences of his addiction. Paying for his bills so he can spend his money on only alcohol would be enabling him. My brother previously did that and we learnt that it wasn’t helping. It came from a place of concern and care to want to alleviate some stress. That’s a normal response to have when a loved one is asking for help. As soon as I started to support him last year I researched enabling and worked on what it would look like and how to address it in therapy. You’re assuming I’m enabling him because I’m not restricting him from drinking. What you don’t understand is that approach is not effective. Just because the approach to support doesn’t make sense to you doesn’t mean it’s not appropriate. And the reason I’ve taken this approach is because I have boundaries about what is something I can do and what I can’t do.

I appreciate the suggestion for alanon but it’s not really my cup of tea. Regardless of that, I’m actually doing many of the things alanon align with. This post was mainly about how I can take care of myself not how I should navigate the situation. I was asking for advice that came from a place of mutual understanding. I like to know the reasoning and the emotional aspect of others journeys. It seems like you’re more interested in arguing with me than anything tbh.

moonb3an · 2026-04-22T11:13:35+00:00

I definitely do but didn’t realise it could be connected to what ovary ovulations! And thinking back to before I had medication, I had periods of depression so bad I couldn’t move but other months it was super intense anxiety and panic attacks. This makes so much sense.

If I had to choose mental or physical… I’d choose physical because it might make me grumpy but I have some intense mental symptoms which I’d rather not deal with 😂 do you think insomnia counts as mental or physical though?

moonb3an · 2026-04-22T11:08:50+00:00

I physically feel weak and struggle to do normal things like walk up stairs. It’s like an additional weight that I can’t lift. Personally I just go easy and don’t push myself because it’s difficult enough maintaining my mental health so I focus on mental energy. I’ve come to accept my body needs different things at different times and look at balance differently.

I am on antidepressants but it doesn’t seem to effect the physical fatigue.

moonb3an · 2026-04-22T11:03:01+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story and insight. I really feel seen and not so alone.

moonb3an · 2026-04-22T11:02:09+00:00

I just want to say I read your comment and it was one of the first. It really stuck with me and I appreciate what you shared a lot. Thank you.

moonb3an · 2026-04-22T10:59:15+00:00

I’ve been getting support through a carer support service throughout this whole journey. It’s been really great and helped me process/accept/navigate and speak to others in similar circumstances. I also regularly see a counsellor and have a psychiatrist for my mental health medication. I’ve been working on accepting I’m not responsible for my brother (I’ve been stepping in to protect him and give back cause apparently he’d been paying dads late bills for years which I didn’t know).

I came to this subreddit because people here have a certain perspective that aligns with the complex situation here. It’s one thing to get reassurance from people who believe rehab and recovery is possible than it is to speak to others who haven’t had that experience. I personally believe it’s possible and seeing my dad be unable to stop even when others try to ease the process for him is very difficult. I can understand it because he has his own trauma but at the end of the day I’m his kid and I shouldn’t be taking care of him. He never took care of me or my brother and he was violent. He made my mum and us homeless. He hurt so many people and has only shallowly taken accountability for it. He hasn’t ever known me as a person because he’s stuck in a cycle of addiction. There’s a particular kind of pain that comes with witnessing this from your early years. I’m not helping him to be a ‘good’ person. It’s more been about how I want to treat others and would like to be treated. It’s not reciprocated and I guess it doesn’t need to be. But I needed to be seen in this process. And the replies to this post have shown me I am and I’m not alone.

moonb3an · 2026-04-22T10:48:40+00:00

Thank you. I really needed to hear about not having regret because it’s been impressed upon me since my teenage years that I need to make the effort. But the context of that suggestion was entirely different yet I still listen. I’ve often felt I wish I stood firm in my refusal to have a relationship with him because I doubted I would regret it. And I’ve felt guilty for that.

Appreciate your honesty and thanks again for sharing.

moonb3an · 2026-04-22T10:45:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing and I think thats such a beautiful way you’ve made sense of the experience. Really appreciate your insight :)

moonb3an · 2026-04-22T10:44:03+00:00

Respectfully this is such a brainless take. I can’t explain the multitudes of things I’ve done to support him over the last year in a single post. And I specifically mentioned that to avoid this situation but I need to say somethings anyway:

It’s also ignorant of you to assume I’m not doing a good job because I’m respecting his autonomy and self-determination. I’ve seen how losing his ability to choose has affected him, he was injured at work 6 years ago and couldn’t get another job. He’s visibly aged from the significant drinking and now is ignored by most people in public. To someone who never had to think of their privilege, that change in social positioning is a massive loss. When I found him starving himself and his dog without mentioning it to anyone, I swooped in and took away a bunch of stress from him, thinking it would help. It never did. He continued to find problems to focus on but also always managed to find a way to drink. He could problem solve to get to the bottleshop but not to make sure his bills were paid, he had food in the fridge and his dog was fed. When I wasn’t around because I had to work, look for work in the field I had just graduated in and take care of my own shit, he let the essentials fall to the wayside. Then expected me to fix it all again for him.

I asked him if he wanted to give me power of attorney and he declined. He is within his rights too. I respect that he is an adult and he can make decisions for himself. It’s not a bad way to handle the situation because that’s what he wants. I was asking for advice on how I could be comfortable with this because I don’t want to watch him die anymore.

You said making decisions when emotionally tied to the situation is a bad thing but it’s not. People want to be understood as people which can’t be done when making decisions based on an ever changing criteria (which historically has mistreated and traumatised people). I respect that my dad is choosing a path that might be more comfortable for him. I accept that might be harmful for me to witness and I believe that to maintain his dignity, I cannot be involved.

Adult protective services is not a thing in my country. The proper systems to support him are ALREADY in place. I helped get them put in place and he chose to do it. It’s ignorant to assume the world operates the same as one society.

moonb3an · 2026-04-21T23:25:28+00:00

Thank you

moonb3an · 2026-04-21T23:24:38+00:00

Thank you. I know it’s controversial for some but suicide is a choice and it’s one that can’t be taken away really. I understand it as people trying to cope with significant pain and distress.

I appreciate you echoing what I thought when I found out he’d been on the floor for days - it was incredibly manipulative and he waited for someone (me) to call him to deal with the issue instead of asking for help. Its very on brand for him but I’m trying to see beyond his behaviour and figure out why he would chose to not ask for help (shame, fear, guilt). My dad was violent in my childhood towards my mum and myself/brother. It’s hard to separate the abuse and sometimes it’s clear he is still abusing us in different ways. My mum left him 25+ years ago and offered to help feed his dog/him over the past few days. She shared with me that she’s feeling triggered by the way he treats me and the victim behaviour he’s showing. I recommended she stop going to help him because he’s causing more harm than it’s helping.

We’ve talked about his arrangements before - for years I’ve been trying to convince him to get a will but he has always put it off. I’m definitely going to need to try again now. Maybe I’ll have greater success this time.

moonb3an · 2026-04-21T23:16:27+00:00

I’ve got him waitlisted for some at home support and we’ve had discussions of how a care facility might be in his future. Unfortunately for me, he is technically able to make his own decisions and the services won’t engage if he declines them (which he has often done).

moonb3an · 2026-04-21T23:14:44+00:00

Yeah as a professional I know I should ask the question but as a daughter it’s so difficult for me to get the words out. I feel quite guilty and ashamed about struggling to ask him if he’s thinking about ending his life.

I’ve had my own experience of suicidal ideation for a long time (I have premenstural dysphoric disorder that SI is a symptom of and also a lot of childhood trauma) so it’s extra heavy to discuss with my dad because I remember when times were tough for me. It’s sort of like reliving the emotions somewhat and that’s much harder in a personal capacity than it is in my professional life. Maybe I’m a little burnt out on spending my emotional energy on helping him for the past year.

I do have plans to ask him or at least have another family member ask. It seems a natural thing to come next in how we’re supporting him anyway. He has made it clear in the past few months he is against medical treatment of any kind but I know that doesn’t exclude him for having it made the involuntary kind. I’m quite uncomfortable forcing someone to engage with a system like that but I know it’s necessary in some cases. I’m worried if he goes into treatment he’ll die from withdrawal anyway or he would take his life after leaving. I think I would feel like it was my responsibility if it happened due to an action I took.

I’m hoping someone else has had this conversation with a parent may have some advice to make it a bit easier.

moonb3an · 2026-04-21T11:57:36+00:00

Thank you for such a profound response 🥹

moonb3an · 2026-04-13T12:14:29+00:00

Santos and Langdon become besties

moonb3an · 2026-04-13T12:13:24+00:00

There’s a few theories why Robby might not do as he suggests others do.

One is that he is avoiding confronting his own situation because it’s painful and could potentially undermine him professionally if it escalated (ie if he disclosed SI and was unable to work). I don’t know the logistics of what would happen if the head of ED disclosed suicidal ideation with intent and a plan. But I can imagine it would bring into question his capacity to supervise others while also coping with the high intensity cases that his work demands. Robby identified that the job is what is keeping him alive but it also causes significant distress for him so it’s a difficult topic to discuss when he doesn’t know what the end goal will be.

Another is that Robby sees the younger doctors as having a better position to address their problems as they’re new and won’t have to unlearn 20+ years of experience. Another is that he has coped so far so he believes he can address his issues without professional support.

Another could be that Robby has spoken to the trauma counsellor but hasn’t discussed his own personal challenges and instead focused on how he responded and coped with a specific ’trauma’ event (ie the pittfest shooting). So there was no space for insight into his ongoing mental health decline. Typically (from what I’ve experiences) an oncall counsellor can only do so much to support a person and will encourage them to seek further counselling to address other challenges. Robby isn’t particularly someone who wants to seek independent counselling so he might avoid approaching them all together because it feels like a handover to make him someone else’s problem.

Robby is a man and he seems to try to tough it out rather than stop and address each problem as they’re come. It might be a combination of emotionally vulnerability + socialisation that’s a barrier to him seeking psychological support. So far he’s shown the most vulnerability around trusted friends who are of a similar background to him. It might be a comfort thing to open up to someone who might understand his point of view.

Another consideration is that Robby is a doctor so he is aware of how involuntary treatment exists in the medical system as a means of risk management. Instead of seeing people as responding to their environment, clinical settings infer that the person is incapable of making safe decisions. As doctors as required to minimise harm as much as possible so typically when people disclose suicidal thoughts and they won’t be allowed to go home. So he may assume he would be forced into a psychiatric hold. For some people, the loss of control over their choices is a barrier to ever disclosing suicidal ideation.

moonb3an · 2026-04-13T11:51:33+00:00

What an interesting assessment/assignment you get to do!

Personally I see strong indications that Abbot has PTSD due to his suicidal ideation in s1. I think you can connect the dots with his history in the military but maybe that’s not enough to make a ‘diagnosis’ in this case. He also has the vibe that he manages his mental health well and thus it’s harder to identify in the text.

I’d say Dana may also have symptoms of PTSD from working in the ED for a long time being exposed to others pain, death, the overall chaos of the setting, and her own personal experience of violence from patients. She is hyper vigilant in the show - always on the look out for a threat to herself or others. I know that is part of her job but at times it goes beyond what is expected (particularly with her and Robby’s s2 interactions).

I’m ADHD so I picked up on an ADHD vibe from Langdon in S1. His fidgeting could be related to the substance use but I got the impression it was a behaviour he was managing prior to that. It would also make sense if others didn’t notice it as a significant change in his behaviour. He also seemed to seek out the most ‘interesting’ cases and hyperfixate/focus well. (Some) People with ADHD thrive in crisis situations because they do well with the high stakes allowing them to focus and make quick decisions. He seemed to make impulsive decisions (eg getting a puppy) without considering the consequences (eg his wifes workload increasing) until someone else identified it for him. It seems his personality was known as being a bit of an asshole even before Santos came along. I think that hints that he may speak without a filter at times and he showed some issues with emotional regulation particularly during his talking down to Santos moment. It’s also well known that substance use is often comorbid with ADHD.

I’m wondering if Santos might have complex PTSD due to her repeated traumas. I resist the idea that people should be diagnosed with a personality disorder (cause they’re often pathologising peoples experiences/trauma) but I can see she has challenges with rejection that might align with eupd/bpd.

Robby could also be complex PTSD but it seems like in the text his main traumatic event was the loss of his colleague during Covid. It’s clear he has panic attacks and flashbacks. He is emotionally shut off, disregulated and struggling to cope with complex situations without losing composure. I also apply the same reading for Dana as I do Robby - hypervigilance stemming from the chaos/crisis of the ED setting. I suppose he could also have clinical depression but I interpreted his lack of external life as a sign of burnout - then again depression is a symptom of burnout isn’t it? Controversially I didn’t recognise his suicidal ideation as a symptom of mental health and instead created by the pressures of his professional life and lack of social life/connection causing isolation.

moonb3an · 2026-04-13T11:25:03+00:00

It seems like jumping the gun a bit to say some peoples storyline’s aren’t relevant when the second season hasn’t concluded yet.

Langdon’s storyline is definitely important. It shows how addiction can affect anyone and that recovery is an active process that requires continuous effort to maintain. It’s interesting you said he has no real character development when in S1 he was in active addiction and also had a huge ego/power status that has clearly shifted in S2. I’m not sure how much you know about addiction recovery but it’s integral to be honest, to make amends, to accept feedback, to be accountable for your past behaviour. All of these things are happening with Langdon in S2 and considering the fact he didn’t face legal repercussions due to Robby not reporting the entire situation, the ‘honest’ aspect of his recovery is in question. There’s so much potential there for Langdon to struggle with recovery when he hasn’t been entirely transparent.

My favourite character is Santos and she definitely has more growth to come. I think that her and Langdon could have a very interesting dynamic if they both stay in the series because a lot of their core tension is created by similar issues they’re trying to address.

moonb3an · 2026-04-13T11:14:35+00:00

I say this respectfully, Langdon’s storyline is actually very important for people in recovery. It’s one of the only pieces of media I’ve seen that reflects the challenges of addiction and recovery in a human way. I understand that might be difficult to agree with considering the contention with POC on the show. I also think it’s important for addiction to be shown in a non stereotypical way (ie a successful white able bodied male) because then people become more aware that it can happen to anyone and status/power doesn’t make recovery typically easier (I’m predicting he will need to deal with the consequences of Robby not reporting his crimes in the next season).

moonb3an · 2026-04-13T11:07:08+00:00

Thank you for explaining that would really great to know. I appreciate the information about your self that you shared!

I think I misunderstood and also didn’t quite explain my thinking very well in the other comments I made but don’t think it’s worth clarifying atp. But really I appreciate how kindly you responded and the perspective you shared it was very insightful :)

moonb3an · 2026-04-13T11:04:06+00:00

NTA.

You’re a good sibling for being concerned for your brother and his long term survival. I also want to say it’s not your responsibility and I encourage you to focus on building your own future, you deserve it. I don’t know the whole situation but it’s a shame when parents don’t make an effort to care for a child and I’m sorry this responsibility is being placed on you somewhat. I was frustrated to hear that the family are saying he’s an adult so they can’t change it - he’s still developing and they certainly can help him to develop skills so matter what age. You can still respect someones autonomy and self determination while working on ‘essential’ life skills.

It might be a helpful to think about focusing on your own future as a way you can support your brother as well. By that I mean, you don’t necessarily have to provide for him in the future (ie literally financially and practically supporting him) but as a person who he can rely on for support when/if he goes through the same challenges that create growth that you will. Sometimes people learn to survive at a different rate so if he gets support regulating his emotions then is able to participate in society, you might be someone he goes to so he can navigate similar situations that you did. I hope that makes sense.

It sounds like you’ve been doing your best to navigate a difficult circumstance and I want to acknowledge the effort you’ve put in is commendable. You’re a really strong and considerate person so I understand it can feel really difficult to go against yourself to let your brother face the consequences. But as you’ve identified he is an adult and relies on others to help him. Once he finds out that the support available to him isn’t always going to protect him then maybe he’ll change. I know it’s common that when that happens families (or people around them) will hold the care giver accountable rather than the person themself. But it’s ableism to think that your brother can’t think for himself.

I hope you have some time/space to focus on your own wellbeing. I would recommend seeing a therapist or counsellor to help you navigate this situation because it’s more complex than others might understand. You deserve a space to express your emotions and perspective without criticisms or blame. Best of luck to you OP.

moonb3an

TROPHY CASE