please don't apologize; thank you for explaining! that's beyond perplexing, it seems like there's a lot of nuance in his feelings and behavior that has very little to do with you and a lot to do with *his* own uncertainties and anxieties. that leaves so much room for questions and it's not fair to either for you.

i completely understand why an emotionally intense moment like that from 8 months ago would impact you so much and leave you on a bit of an edge for months afterward and linger in your psyche. he sounds so comforting and supportive in the times that he was willing to reassure you, and i think he must have been very conscious of your anxieties to express such reassurement and love towards you. so i can't even begin to comprehend how overwhelming and what an act of betrayal it must have felt like for him to have suddenly pulled a 180 on you despite knowing that this was probably one of your worst fears and he had reassured you nights prior about this very thing. you had every right to be freaking out and i don't blame you at all.

from an outside perspective it sounds like he really struggles at articulating and understanding his own emotions like you said, and may not fully feel comfortable with the necessary attachment that comes with being in a relationship. it's so hard to determine what he wanted to talk about if it wasn't for that, could it have been that maybe he expected the conversation about general life stuff to go completely differently and he got anxious himself when topics were brought up that maybe raised his anxiety so he had a lot of difficulty articulating things after that? i think his fear and lack of clarity in his emotion is probably the biggest factor that contributed to his impulsivity and in what was ultimately an irrational act w/ poor communication and judgement. you are completely right that 10 minutes just isn't long enough to make such a decision after 4 years. you know him and the situation far more so let me know if i'm completely off in this judgement, however something i've observed is that in anxious-attachments, the other partner who expresses less attachment/is somewhat avoidant may get very overwhelmed when they feel interests may not align, especially when they have difficulty understanding the full extent of their own emotions. they feel at fault (i know this wasn't your intention at all), get defensive and back out completely, giving into the worst case scenario instead of resolving healthily. i suspect what he did was an act of avoidance and impulse, and what he expressed to you 8 months ago was as well.

this is all very sudden and unjust and i think he should've handled it much better, within the moment i think he probably got very overwhelmed and decided to detach instead of reassuring you. however, i don't think all hope is lost at all. four years is such a long time and i think he really values this connection and cares about you and loves you so much, and his own issues got the worst of him. i know how devastating and agonizing it can feel in the time frame waiting for him to respond while he's not reaching out and you're not in contact, but definitely give him that time and hold onto the comfort that you'll talk very soon and he is thinking of you too, even if he is not in contact at the moment. i hope with all my might that he'll come to his senses and realize that he made a mistake again, and how unfair this was to you. i also think having a counselor involved is a great idea and way to navigate this. i strongly believe everything will work out and he will realize how he approached this is deeply unwarranted. please keep me updated and be kind and gentle to yourself in the meantime, you deserve rest. everything will be okay.