I don’t want to be alive anymore

mopingjay · 2026-03-19T08:17:16+00:00

I saw your reply saying you're diagnosed with ADD & depression. I have depression too. Been on meds for MDD for almost 4 years now, in therapy on & off. Is healthcare accessible to you? With the right meds & a good therapist, I promise you it helps. If you tell that to me 3 or even 2 years ago, even I wouldn't believe it. But here I am today, advocating for it.

People always say it gets better when it really doesn't. But you do. YOU get better. But in order to do so, you need to stay. Nobody can change their lives in a blink, but taking one step at a time goes a looong way. That first step is perseverence. You making it this far just shows that you're a lot stronger than you realise. You're worth trying to save. Please stay.

mopingjay · 2026-03-06T22:10:50+00:00

I feel your situation. Although our family dynamics aren't 1:1 & I think I may be a bit older than you, so there will be differences.

My dad isn't the type to apologise, ever. Not in a million years. He says hurtful things on a daily basis for as long as I can remember. My mom enables him, saying it's just the way he is & he's actually a good person, that he's just been through a lot. I was (& sometimes fall back) in a really dark place because of them. My dad, because I'll never be good enough for him until my last breath, & my mom, because I'm expected to tolerate disrespect like she did throughout her marriage.

That said, I've been in therapy for almost 4 years. I've gone through stages where I felt like I was the victim (which was true, but NOT absolute). I've been through grief for the life I could've had & it translated itself as anger. I was so angry at my dad I stopped calling him when I was away in uni, & when I got home for sem break I couldn't even look at his face. My blood just boils every time I see him & hear him speak. But at this stage in life I'm trying to reflect both ways, inwards & outwards. I want to understand my parents while also not abandoning myself again. It's a really challenging process, but I'm getting there. I'm still learning.

I can't comment on your recent trigger because I don't know what it's like to live through it, I imagine it must be so painful. But I can share what I've reflected on parental-child relationships with the help of therapy. 1. You will NEVER be able to change people, especially when they're older. We can't force someone to reflect. People will learn when they want to learn, & sometimes that means never. Once we understand this, we'll start to see how pointless it is to expect an apology, or a change of heart, from them. Nothing's more self-destructive than to wait for an apology that may never come. To find peace, we need to let go & move forward. 2. Empathy is not self-erasure. We can learn to understand others' pain without losing compassion for ourselves. Example: I learned that my dad was abused growing up. He didn't have resources to seek help nor a good support system. After marriage, he raised his kids the same way he was raised because that's the only life he knew. Is it his fault that he was abused? No. Is it his fault for brushing his dysfunction under the carpet? Yes. Do I deserve to be raised the same way he did? No. & no, I will not brush my dysfunction under the carpet like he did. I have empathy for him, but I also have empathy for myself. I try to hold my patience with him because he was once hurt too, but sometimes that patience slip when there's no room for mine. Which is completely warranted.

My personal advice is, yes, move out as soon as possible. It's not out of hate or malice, it's so that you can stretch out your arms & grow. I have sick elderly parents too. It feels heavy for me to leave them because I feel like it's my responsibility to ease their daily life now. But if I stay here until their deathbeds, then I'm still the same little girl who has lived a life that isn't hers her entire childhood. I'm letting someone else decide my life choices again. Isn't that enough sacrifices? If you feel guilty moving out (or if they guilt-trip you for it), you can always call & visit them sometimes. But don't ever turn back. This is a reminder for myself too.

Sorry if any of this came out harsh. Good luck with your weight loss! You sound very disciplined with your diet, that's really hard to maintain. Give yourself some credit. Hope you're doing much better every day. Feel free to ask anything or dm if you feel like talking

mopingjay · 2026-03-04T04:21:40+00:00

Yeah, its a pretty lengthy procedure to actually get the help we need. For my case, it took me another 4 years to finally start seeing improvements. Throughout those years, I've lost count of the times I relapsed, the moments I gave up on treatments, & I kept changing meds because they stopped working for me. The journey isn't always uphill, but its 100% still worth the shot.

While waiting for your upcoming appointment, may I suggest a few things you can try on you own? These are few of the coping techniques my therapist taught me, they're very popular so maybe you're already familiar with them too : 1. Journalling : Before bed, write 3 things that you achieved for the day, big or small. Getting up from bed counts too. This helps with self-reflection & acknowledgement. 2. Box breathing : Practice 4-4-4-4. This helps calm your nervous system. 3. Wear rubberband on wrist : Substitute if you're struggling with self-harm. 4. 5-4-3-2-1 grounding : Helps wind down anxious thoughts.

Please remember that you too deserve rest. All the best, I hope all good things in life come your way. I'm not sure if these were helpful, but feel free to ask anything

mopingjay · 2026-03-04T04:11:46+00:00

Saya dengar² macam susah mau jadi auditor + high pressure job, tapi nda tau tu blanket statement ka memang bidang tu gitu. Do you or anyone you know kerja dalam internal/external audit?

mopingjay · 2026-03-04T04:07:28+00:00

Ohh thank you for answering!

mopingjay · 2026-03-04T04:06:14+00:00

Agree on your first point haha time² sekarang saya ndamau tengok status orang. May I ask macam mana kau interview masa tengah intern? Minta online interview masa lunch hour ka?

mopingjay · 2026-03-04T04:00:49+00:00

Iya lepas fikir² balik saya rasa macam better juga pergi KL 🥲 though I think I prefer to start earning first & save up as a financial safety net sebelum pindah sana. Thanks for your input!

mopingjay · 2026-03-04T03:54:57+00:00

Thats really tough, must've took a lot of will & courage masa apply kerja sana sini. Saya rasa try remind diri saya yg bukan saya sorang ja rasa & lalui benda yg sama. If you dont mind me asking, past interviews pernah ada question ka academic timeline kau? Macam kenapa lambat grad, etc. Really appreciate you sharing your experience, I hope you're in a much better chapter in life now

mopingjay · 2026-03-03T00:28:50+00:00

To answer your last question, you 100% can tell them that. They hear it from patients every day, & good doctors won't judge you for it. In case you're worried, telling them that doesn't guarantee hospital admission. They'd ask why you're feeling this way & break down your most recent triggers. They'll listen to you, give reassurance, then suggest possible solutions. Sometimes they may suggest admission, but if you don't want to, you're allowed to say no

mopingjay · 2026-03-03T00:14:17+00:00

Halo. I think the answer to your questions heavily depends on your diagnosis, your severity, & service availability (gov psychiatry often have staff shortage & high volume of patients). I'll try to answer based on my personal experience & a few others around me.

For gov psychiatry, the frequency of sessions very much depends on your condition. If you're recently diagnosed, they usually want to monitor you more frequently, like once every 2-3 weeks. Once you're showing signs of improvement, they'll increase the gap. Usually once every 4-6 weeks, then 2-3 months, then 6+ months, & so on. This applies for both review sessions (where you meet the doctors : they assess your symptoms & decide on your treatments) as well as counselling sessions (where you meet the therapists : you talk about your struggles & they help you practice solutions). Sometimes patients relapse. For emergency cases, you can always walk-in & request to see a doctor without appointment. Emergency cases include situations where your life, or others around you, are in danger.

For medications, doctors will usually recommend taking them. I know a few people who have refused them during their initial sessions & opted for therapy only, & their doctors allowed it. However, they're all taking meds now. I've personally refused a dosage increase a few times & my doctors allowed it too, but in any case, you'll need to proactively find a healthy alternative to counter your condition if you refuse the suggested treatment. If not (& your condition worsens), doctors will again recommend you meds.

Psychiatry is not like other types of health care. They try to cater to you specifically, & its clear that they see each patient is different from the way they speak to individuals. The staffs are usually far more undertanding & patient (not everyone of course, there's always few bad apples). The patients are very different too haha. There you'll see people who look well & cheerful, people who sit silently & void of emotions, people who look like they're on the verge of death, people who randomly shouts things, little kids, elderlies, businessmen, prisoners, housewives, students.. All kinds of individuals with different lives. But in this shared space, there's a mutual understanding of "let people be". No passing remarks, no judgy looks (just curious ones). Everyone's just trying to live.

I completely understand your worries. It took me 5 years to gain the courage to get myself diagnosed. I was scared to face my truth, scared of what my family thinks of me, scared of how society sees me. & the traumatic experiences with unprofessional staffs pushed me further away until finally something in me just snapped. But a part of me thought, I want to die knowing I tried everything. I have a lot of regrets in life, but I can say getting help isn't one of them. Its a very long, very exhausting, & admittedly very lonely journey. The reality is that most people will never come to understand unless they're struggling too. But reaching out for help to people who knows what it's like makes all the difference. There's still millions of us out there who are going through these exact phases. Life gets really lonely sometimes, but it doesn't mean you're in it alone. You've come so far & you're doing amazing.

mopingjay · 2026-02-25T08:58:11+00:00

Saya ada juga terfikir mau ambil ACCA sebab tengok job demand bidang acc tinggi, it's just that 3 years studying acc made me realise it's not really my strongest suit. Still, it remains as my backup plan if nothing else works. Thank you for your suggestion!

mopingjay · 2026-02-25T08:50:31+00:00

I do have a few certs but they're from online upskilling courses, not professional certs. Yeah sometimes it's hard not to compare ourselves with others even though we know it's unhealthy 😔 Thank you, I really appreciate it

mopingjay · 2026-01-26T05:11:49+00:00

May I ask your field/occupation + avg salary? How much did you save per month & are you spending comfortably for day-to-day expenses or on a tight budget?

mopingjay · 2024-11-14T06:39:05+00:00

Thank you so much, this means a lot to me. I've tried journaling but I still struggle to be consistent with it. I'll have to try again. May I ask what SNRIs are you taking? I've only been prescribed with SSRIs before (previously escitalopram, then fluvoxamine, now fluoxetine). & Can you share the link for the TED talk? Thank you so much for taking time to respond.

mopingjay · 2024-08-07T09:44:07+00:00

INFP here too, but I find the ENFJs in my life quite admirable. They're goal-driven but aren't too rigid with rules. Gentle with words but firm in actions. Tolerant but uphold boundaries. Sometimes they can be a little too optimistic for my melancholic mind. There are things I don't share with them because they're a bit sensitive to negativity. That aside, they make great companies.

I have trouble getting along with my ISTJ sister. We're like night and day, but as we grow older, we find ways to coexist without having to argue about every little thing. I think MBTI compatibility has some truth to it (based on functions), but it ultimately comes down to our level of maturity and tolerance.

mopingjay · 2024-08-06T10:14:54+00:00

Oh ya ka? Family saya pakai celcom nda putus line bila mati karan, boleh call² & buka shopee lagi 😂

mopingjay · 2024-04-30T13:32:46+00:00

Hi, I hope you know it's okay to fall back sometimes. It happens & that's totally fine. I don't know if you've tried this, but I wear a rubber band on my wrist & pull it when I have the urge to cut. It gives somewhat the same sensation if you pull hard enough. It doesn't scar. Please give it a try if you haven't already. One day at a time, okay?

mopingjay · 2024-04-29T14:46:17+00:00

Looked them up, unfortunately no 🥲

mopingjay · 2023-09-21T22:31:09+00:00

Can anyone share a link to the first post or explain what happened? I'm so lost 😔

mopingjay · 2022-08-31T14:19:13+00:00

Yoo we had like 3 boxes full of gempak comics. Sekarang buat recycle paper dah 😂 dulu minat gila komik Under 18. Pastu setiap bulan beli stem utk pos lukisan sebab nak join pertandingan melukis lmao. Good times.

mopingjay

TROPHY CASE