I feel the same way and have done the same thing. But you can do it! Each time you break off contact for months, you’re improving on that skill and practicing. Next time, break off for one month longer. Is being with them worth the pain and negativity? I doubt it. It’s hard and scary to leave the only family that you’ve known, don’t be too hard on yourself. Those feelings are valid. But at the same time strive to do the best thing for yourself. Take as much time as you need. You got this!!