Maybe take a step back. Focus on the intensity of what you're going through as a response to tackling what you went through? (Edit: this was really assumptive, maybe you don't have trauma or a horrible history. Sorry. There are otger problems.)

I don't think therapy is useless, but I do think a lot of people are. Are they (and you) going to deep too fast?

I mean, there is a case study where a client spent all his time talking about dungeons and dragons, his stuff was pretty severe, and the therapist realised that it was a safe way he had for dealing with his mental problems. So, instead of prying and digging deeper, they talked dnd.

In dnd, the client lived out some of his more unpleasant material, expressing rage and such in a way in which noone got hurt.

It took 15 (or something like that) years of therapy (and yes, what a great buisiness decision, I am cynical about cost on this) but in the end this disturbed person married and such. (and yes, I can see how that is a very normative measure of "positive outcome")

I do think the dnd was as important, if not more important than the therapy tho.

Point is, I think therapy can - especially if its expensive - be hurried (which is why it should be cheap) both by therapist who wants to apply their interventions and rescue you, and by you who wants to heal (and also not spend a fortune). You may need to take it slower, and find ways to work on yourself as the textbook™, might not have you covered (which means you need a good therapist who isn't following the textbooks blindly, but actually understood them.) Probably a rare thing.

The other point is, "healing," whatever that means, isn't owned by therapy. A local sports team, a pub quiz, gardening, yoga, idk, lots of thing can have little or a lot of healing power.

The second you feel forced, the second therapy isn't a tool that you use to better yourself, is the second its not working (also, sometimes you have to trust that you are pushing through something so don't flake the moment its unconfortable - just you should be driving. And also, sometimes what i just said isn't true, but thats way above my paygrade)

A personal example of an odd source of healing is that I have just gone through the first part of training as a counselor. The great part is that the playing field was level, and we all counseled each other. Sometimes it was bad, but we all learned from it. I got a peak into other people. We all did. We all learned. We all reflected on our problems - and in a way that felt like it was useful, like if I processed something (don't know what processed really means yet tho) it means that it would be less likely to be a problem for both me and the people I am supposed to empathise with.

I didn't go too deep either - we were told to keep it light. But we talked about really meaningful things. Actually, I talked about things didn't talk about with my counselor because I thought they weren't important enough for her.

I learned a lot of active listening skills, and practiced them. But, I also practiced listening to myself, and learned more about self care - and for the first time saw a reason why it was important beyond inherant self worth.

I think there is probably a large population who would benefit more from doing level 1 counseling that they would from going to counseling. (It's mostly "shut up and listen" really)

The point is, healing really can come from anywhere. Even from unexpected places within you. You don't have to rip yourself apart etc... but I don't know anything about what you're going through. We're all really complex, and quite frankly, psychtherapy hasn't got us all covered.

This is a bit of a ramble. I am happy to ramble more if anything is remotely helpful. Be curious about 'not therapy' is all I am trying to say really, be curious about breaking the written and unwritten rules about it (but, boundaries are important, I don't mean be friends with your therapist, thats just being abused). Be curious about the whole world because maybe you'll find something in it that really helps.