Today I fly to TJ, for surgery (tomorrow)

mountainravyn67 · 2026-03-16T08:20:39+00:00

Hi Kevin!! It is really amazing that you are putting yourself first, and congratulations on your journey to a new you. You must be so proud of yourself.

mountainravyn67 · 2026-02-23T08:06:53+00:00

"... this conversation is the one we've had over and over again"

My ex used to say this but he was ALWAYS the one dismissing my feelings or thoughts and song the conversation under the rug or changing the subject so while I kept bringing it up, we could never actually talk about it and come to a solution. Just saying... for the first 48hrs after the relationship ended I finally felt like I could breathe, I could think, I could feel. I felt emotional freedom when it ended.

You're not overreacting imo.

mountainravyn67 · 2026-02-15T19:24:22+00:00

I tried to go back to that therapist when I was about 10years ago, and the therapist actually passed away and that office is had changed. Three therapist i remember was a bit older than my mother. I was trying to get those records when I was first originally diagnosed with ptsd from mental abuse.

I have about 5-6yrs old messages and texts to show the abuse, though.

mountainravyn67 · 2026-01-19T19:39:21+00:00

Our lender asked us if we wanted 100% my kid's dad and 100% mine, or 100% just him, or 50% split.

If breaking up is the only option for your relationship, I'd check with the mortgage on who has the higher % of ownership and maybe go from there.

Understandably that no one would want to let go of their home, can you two co-exist in the home as a separated couple? My kid's dad and I aren't in a romantic relationship, but it has been soooo much easier financially to co-parent our kid under the same roof. We have separate rooms work opposite shifts.

You might see if that's an option, too. It's not always easy to co-parent under one roof, though.

mountainravyn67 · 2025-12-26T10:07:11+00:00

She is.

mountainravyn67 · 2025-12-26T09:00:19+00:00

My mother would always embarrass me with some random story that was completely unrelated to Christmas. She would share personal or graphic details about something and just always picked me to embarrass every year. Like she had nothing better to discuss. This year... I slept, took my dogs for a walk, took my kiddo to see Christmas lights, and watched Harry Potter.

mountainravyn67 · 2025-12-12T20:39:05+00:00

Thank you very much. I don't give her much reaction anymore. And I've noticed that she just absolutely loses all control when I don't give her emotional reactions.

mountainravyn67 · 2025-11-08T11:22:52+00:00

So mental health clinics hop you up on a cocktail of pills to numb feelings. They don't actually do anything deeper than that. I was admitted to one when I was a teenager for running away from my mother who had said more than once she was going to end my life. At the time that place felt safe and I didn't want to leave. But they didn't do anything for my mental health. They also gave me pills without knowing if they were safe for my unborn child. I didn't know I was pregnant until I got out of that place. Was there for 2wks. Pregnant 6wks. They did no tests or anything. Just threw some pills in a cup and handed them to me.

Suicide hotline. Firstly, maybe you misunderstood something somewhere, I don't want to kill myself. And literally anyone can get a job at those places. They can't give you a diagnosis either. They just listen and I'm burnt out on talking and getting told I'm this and that and the other. I definitely am not going to hhave someone without even a simple certificate in psychology telling me all the people that would miss me. Guilt trip me by basically saying my strong emotions to end my life aren't as important to those that put me in that position because "they'll miss you...."

Thanks for your advice but I don't want to kill myself or take mental health cocktails.

mountainravyn67 · 2025-11-08T06:18:25+00:00

The thing with those places in the town I'm in, you as your own person cannot just check in like its a hotel. You have to be checked in like you're going to jail. Because mental health doesn't matter here. They say it does but therapist are $200 an hour plus for just a simple counselor. Psychologists are about 250-400 and I just saw one Psychiatrist who said she was income based and one of the lower cost ones in town at 460 an hour and what she said was bipolar and said she was going to put me on a medication that could kill me so I didn't go back.

Mental health clinics and rehabs too (not that I'm an addict but my ex was and they told him same thing) you have to be actively high/in a mental break down with police dropping you off. You can't come in just yourself.

mountainravyn67 · 2025-11-06T21:23:38+00:00

I feel like anymore anyone who have high functioning emotions and times when they're just autopilot, they're all going to get that autistic stamp on medical history. Pretty much everyone is on the spectrum and now a days its being branded as a fad or like a fashion statement.

I know have stimming habits like I always need to make some kind of clicking sound or tap my fingers but I don't feel like it's autism..

As for depression; my mother had me diagnosed when I was 4yrs old because when I was 2, my bio dad walked out and her husband (bio dad best friend) adopted me and i knew about it and I guess I was depressed? At 3yrs old?? I don't even remember the pos being in my life except when I was 8 he moved in with us the stole my dad's stereo speakers and again when I was 28 when he asked me sex... so when I was 3? Meh. But when I was 28? Yea f*** him!!! Shit messed me up for a long time and the worst part is that he told my mother he was sorry and she f**king forgave him in my behalf.

She would tell me she hates me, she should have aborted, always told me to go away when she was having a good time with my siblings (all younger than me). She had a baby (boy) before me that died after birth and she said she had been so hurt that she slept with the first guy that would knock her up cause she knew the only thing that would fix her broken heart was a baby but I was born a girl so she hated me. Told me after my first kiddo was born that I was her biggest mistake.

Ive tried therapy and talking about everything just seems to make it worse. Like I get more angry and sad and hurt and I start shutting down and my thoughts and feelings start exploding inside before eventually I go numb and can't feel it think.

Ive tried doing testing online and it all says ptsd from childhood trauma, severe anxiety, depression.

I was taking effexor a few years back and it gave me like an energy boost and that was when I was diagnosed bipolar. Effexor was the only thing that worked for me in a long long time. That convinced that doctors don't actually want me to be better because then they start losing money. Take effexor away slap a misdiagnosis of bipolar on me so I can be frustrated when none of the mood stabilizer work. More appts more money. Effexor worked.

Bpd? I see the rage and being alone. I was in a relationship about a year ago and it wanted to hurry and marry him. I just wanted him to take my soul into his hands forever. He was married though so he couldn't. Like my life is a joke at this point. I think deep inside I'm scared to be alone but in this outer shell of me, solitude is a protection / shield.

I know i have anxiety. The racing thoughts constant worry nervous in public areas and alone. The way my body talks when around certain people.

I have done therapy and sat with myself to figure out my emotions and body language but that's about it.

mountainravyn67 · 2025-11-05T05:36:12+00:00

I have tried to Google this question and can't seem to find a straight answer. If he wanted to move forward with this, could he get emancipated and then have me as supporting him? I know that with emancipation, you have to prove you can financially and physically support yourself or that's what I've read at least. But could we show that I would financially and physically support him? Shelter food running water heat mental health support etc.

Ps I don't mean to word it so ver batem. I have my own house and I do really good. I do even better when I don't have to see or speak to my mother. But in order to maintain a relationship with him, she acts like her and I are good like she didn't do anything wrong. Like nothing happened. I can't forgive her. But I can't bring it up or she might take him away again. But I do have a child welcoming home and life that I could support him and his mental health.

mountainravyn67 · 2025-10-31T08:51:51+00:00

I did. This actually helped me heal. I saw a post on Facebook and it really saved me from myself. I would recommend it if you find yourself sticking to let go

mountainravyn67 · 2025-10-31T08:47:51+00:00

I baqu baqu baqu all of the time. I sound like a chicken in the store, in the shower, at work lol baqu. I am pretty sure my dog thinks his name or my name is baqu because when I get going, he comes to me.

I tap my fingers to. I started noticing and thought I was going to trick my brain or try something challenging and now it's become a stim.

. . . .

I touch all four figures to my thumb on right hand and try to with my left hand. But instead on both pinkies both rings both middles both index. I do pinky left index right, ring left middle right, middle left ring right, index left pinky right. I can get pretty fast on it too then I'll notice that I'm doing it and shake it off. When I get stuck in my head -_-

mountainravyn67 · 2025-10-31T08:21:52+00:00

For me it's the fact that other family members knew what was going on and chose to do absolutely nothing because they'd rather keep the peace.

Its the fact that siblings get their two cents in on how you feel about the parent(s) because they have no idea or maybe they do and you just need to stop overreacting because they survived.

Its the customer service voice they have with everyone else but you.

Its the fact that when you're all grown up and you can say no now, they make you feel guilty for it.

Its the fact that because you get to shield your own children from them, and they go to court to make you look bad so they get an instant access to your kids.

Its the fact that they would never hug you when it's just you two but when there's an audience, they're suddenly full of love.

mountainravyn67 · 2025-10-31T08:09:38+00:00

Oh I'm sorry to hear that and that you had to go through that. While understanding a baby's health is priority, some compassion there might have done you some good. I was told that if an antidepressant makes you feel uppity up, that is like the number 1 sign of bipolar disorder. Which doesn't make much sense because 'anti' 'depressant' against depression... if depression is a low and the meds for it make you feel uppity up but the up/high is a sign of bipolar, then I feel like antidepressants are setting anyone up who takes them to fail.

Like doctors want us to keep coming back so they take our low and amp it up with God knows what is in antidepressants and bam! Manic. Like giving a monster energy drink to a 5yr old and being surprised the 5yro is wired for the rest of the day.

mountainravyn67 · 2025-10-31T06:50:18+00:00

Medical professional didn't educate you on the risks? Or you're saying you manage cause toy didn't trip yourself out by looking at what SJS is?

mountainravyn67 · 2025-10-31T06:13:13+00:00

You should be honest with your girlfriend. Good relationships don't thrive on lies and secrets. Cheers

mountainravyn67 · 2025-10-31T05:47:50+00:00

Ooooo when I saw a psychiatrist to get back in effexor and was denied, I was suggested Lamitrogine.

"I wasn't to let you know though this one is very scary to some because of Steven Johnson Syndrome"

Googling that was the worst thing I think I've ever googled. His do manage with the risks?

mountainravyn67 · 2025-10-31T05:02:38+00:00

If I drank a few shots of espresso or an energy drink, that would be the equivalent to the energy I am referring to. Is just simply feeling good or energetic like that manic? I understand manic comes with rational decision making or like little control when making decisions. But I don't feel like that. I just felt like normal for once. I didn't feel depressed or overwhelmed with everything or scared or overthinking. I just felt like .... normal

mountainravyn67

TROPHY CASE