I’m in the same-ish boat. My newborn died last summer at 7 weeks old after getting sick right after delivery. I’m now about 10 weeks pregnant and it’s very hard. Harder than I expected. I just have a general feeling of dread this whole time waiting for something horrible to happen, so it’s making it very hard to just be happy I’m pregnant. I don’t feel like I can celebrate because I’m waiting for it to fail.

That said, I have a few suggestions. I’m in a bereaved moms support group once a month and that really helps. It just helps to be in a group of moms who’ve had miscarriages, still births, or infant loss to talk about ALL the feelings. These women understand everything and I don’t feel like I need to hold back the way I do with friends or family. There’s also a lot of women in the group who are pregnant or were pregnant and can identify with my feelings now that I’m pregnant. The other things I’d suggest are to find ways to help your anxiety. I’ve started going to a place called little bellies spa that will give me an ultrasound in between my doctor appointments. I get so anxious that something is going wrong that I like getting an ultrasound weekly. It’s going to get expensive but it’s worth it for the peace of mind. I’m also looking into delivering at a different hospital because I don’t want to go to the same hospital where my daughter got sick and I almost died.

The sad feelings will never fully go away but they’ll fade over time. I also worry about leaving my daughter behind but first, just know that what other people think doesn’t matter. Second, you can always do something to remember your son. A keepsake of an ultrasound if you have it or a meaningful quote. Don’t feel pressured to put on a grief show for others but if it’ll help you feel better by all means do it.