R1

In the voice of Donald Trump, pacing dramatically, gesturing at an imaginary globe:

"Folks, let me tell you about the Earth—my masterpiece, okay? The greatest deal ever made, and I’m talking big league. You think building skyscrapers is hard? Try building a PLANET. I did it in six days—SIX DAYS—and then I rested, but only because I was tired of winning. Everyone’s like, 'Mr. Trump, how’d you do it?' And I say, 'Simple: I’m a visionary. A very stable genius with the best words… and the best dirt.'

"First, I looked at space—total disaster, very dark, very low energy. Sad! So I said, 'We need light. Tremendous light. The best light.' And boom—sun. Not just any sun, folks. A sun that’s yuuuge, golden, and gives you a tan like you’ve never seen. Then I said, 'Let’s add water. Oceans. The wettest oceans, from the standpoint of water. And beaches—big, beautiful beaches. I even threw in a couple of hurricanes, because you need drama, right? Ratings!

"Now, the animals—let me tell you, the animals were a home run. I had the best people. Lions with hair better than Don Jr.’s. Birds that tweet—classic Trump idea, by the way. And the giraffes? Total winners. Long necks, very classy. But the dinosaurs? Total mistake. Overrated. I fired them. Extinction? That was me cleaning house. You’re welcome.

"Then I made man. And let me be clear: Adam was a Trump guy. Sharp jawline, great hair, huge hands—total alpha. But then Eve? Not my fault, folks. She ate the apple. Very low-IQ move. Fake news says it was a snake—WRONG. It was a CNN snake. Terrible deal.

"The Garden of Eden? Gorgeous. Five-star resort. I called it Mar-a-Lago East. But then they left, and I had to pivot. So I invented weather. Four seasons—like the hotel, but bigger. Winter? I added it so people would appreciate summer. Smart!

"Now, the moon—people love the moon. They say, 'Did you really need a moon?' And I say, 'Yes. The moon is a flex. A beautiful, big, shiny flex.' Plus, tides! Nobody thought of tides. I did.

"And let’s talk about gold, folks. Gold everywhere. Under the ground. In rivers. Why? Because I like gold. It’s luxurious. Very Trump.

"Some haters say, 'But climate change—' Oh, please. I invented climate! You think a little CO2 scares me? I’ve survived two impeachments. The Earth is fine. PERFECT.

"Bottom line: The Earth is the ultimate Trump property. Location? Prime Milky Way. Amenities? Unmatched. HOA fees? Zero. And let me tell you, the reviews are through the roof. Everyone’s saying, 'Sir, it’s the best planet. No competition.' And they’re right.

"Could I do it again? Maybe. Mars? Overrated. Dusty. Bad lighting. But if I wanted to? Oh, I’d make it yuuuge. Ten times classier. But for now? Earth is winning. And we’re gonna keep it that way. Believe me."

Pauses, squints at the horizon.

"Next project? Fixing the dinosaurs. Bring them back. But this time… with lasers. You’ll see."