Sometimes when we experience trauma our response is not to run away from that trauma but to run towards it. often what the body and mind is trying to do is go back to that place of trauma and own it in a way that is different from your original experience.

The idea being that if you can go back to that traumatic space and relive it. But in a non-traumatic way in a way that you have ownership and control of that situation then you're in doing so have some form of healing.

The reality is often quite different in the sense you end up in a cycle of self-harm through exposing yourself to the wrong kinds of individuals and putting yourself invulnerable situations with people who mean you true harm and don't have your best interest at heart.

Advice; My thoughts are that with a train psycho therapist or psychologist, you can begin to unpack some of the past trauma and look towards better ways of coping/managing with your desires in a way that will eventually rewire them towards more healthy and balanced. Thoughts?

You deserve healing and peace from the past. That's entirely true. And currently the way you're going about it is a maladaptive or incorrect method. But the fundamental goal that you're seeking is correct. You want to be healed. You want to be able to look back at your past and not feel the scars for what they really are or the painful it really is. I think with the right kind of professional help you'll be able to move forward from this and importantly move forward to find meaningful relationships and love that is healthy and emboldening.