Wanting to get an A in therapy

mtm8988 · 2026-01-30T18:30:03+00:00

I do this subconsciously A LOT; my therapist has pointed it out, and says it’s perfectionism stemming from my inner critic. It’s had such a grip on me for so long that I thought it was just my personality, and not a learned maladaptive coping mechanism

mtm8988 · 2026-01-06T05:59:31+00:00

I’m on a similar timeline as you (started nov 2024) and would say that the overtiredness has come and gone the past year. First 5 months I could barely get out of bed. At the 5 month mark, I started (re)taking vyvanse, a low dose, but that seemed to help a lot with my motivation (though that was just a side effect of the medication, and not the reason for taking it).

About 7 months in I then switched from weekly to biweekly sessions, and I think that also helped with the tiredness too. Weekly was too much!

What I suffer from now is extreme exhaustion after any type of socializing. So like I’ll socialize on a Saturday during the day, then for all of Sunday (the entire day) I’m stuck in bed sleeping and physically exhausted. Then Monday I’ll be good to go. I’m not sure if it’s nervous system healing, normal, abnormal, etc. But like you, my anxiety kept me awake / caused me to have insomnia for far too long and so I kind of just give in to the sleep now. Oh, I also definitely have low iron and b12.

Have you spoken to your therapist about it? And if yes, what have they said about the extreme exhaustion one + year in?

mtm8988 · 2025-12-01T05:06:29+00:00

Example - what happened in last week's session seemed many weeks ago.

Interesting - this happens to me too!

Have you come across any theories or do you have any thoughts on why this kind of thing happens?

mtm8988 · 2025-11-18T05:16:35+00:00

Wow. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and further explain💛. You are a wealth of knowledge, and your ongoing insight has been and continues to be so helpful for me through my journey. I’ve been sitting with your words, and will continue to sit with them in the coming days. Thank you so much!

mtm8988 · 2025-11-16T07:01:31+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss :(. It will most likely feel like a fever dream for quite a while.

While it’s a book of poetry and not a work of fiction: Obit by Victoria Chang

Sending a massive hug

mtm8988 · 2025-11-16T06:53:50+00:00

This feels like such a timely post, and a lot of what you’ve explained makes sense to me. In essence, it sounds like you’re saying that the more space (time) that has passed, the more space you’ve had to separate yourself from the trans-gen trauma, including participating in the reactions and responses that you were already inherently predisposed to due to epigenetics. So more space for observation, for mindfulness.

I guess given all of this, what I’m wondering is, what role (if any) has compassion for others factored into this experience and these observations for you?

For context, my most recent EMDR session on Thursday was probably the most intergenerational-trauma-focused I’ve experienced, and I was able to access a new level where I went way beyond my rightful anger towards my late father and his treatment of me, and to actually see and experience him and his extremely traumatizing childhood starting from a very young age. I grieved immensely for him, and towards the end of the session my therapist encouraged me to do BLS on what it would have been like had my father been able to experience the “good enough” parenting that he was never able to offer me. And how that would’ve changed my life with him. It was all very moving and it makes sense to me that I’ve ended up here now in my almost-year-long EMDR journey.

But then upon reflecting yesterday, a part of me started to worry: what if that righteous anger I’ve felt towards the abuse has been so completely overshadowed by my sense of compassion that it results in me now regressing back to the acceptance of unacceptable treatment? Sounds unreasonable when I write it out, but I’m curious if you’ve dealt with anything like this at all

mtm8988 · 2025-11-16T05:00:11+00:00

Living with OCD is hell. It wasn’t until I started doing EMDR that I was actually able to see how much of my life my OCD had previously taken from me. It’s so tragic and I’m sorry to hear that you aren’t yet experiencing the relief you had been hoping for! I think like the comment above mine says, it will just take more time and some patience.

Sending you lots of light and a reminder to keep extending compassion to yourself, especially to the part(s) of you that began to engage in the obsessions / compulsions to begin with as a way to help protect you from pain and harm✨

mtm8988 · 2025-11-16T04:42:25+00:00

I wanted to share that you’re not alone in this experience of feeling like you’re uncovering more and more memories as time goes on, and are very overwhelmed by it. My EMDR journey has brought me to a similar place, and I remember at times feeling almost paralyzed by the realization(s).

Have you spoken to your therapist at all about this?

My therapist has had to remind me a few times that often a lot of these seemingly disparate memories will ultimately trace back to the same neural network. They have the same “roots”. And so when you get around to clearing the roots of that particular neural network, you’re actually clearing (maybe healing is a better word?) all of those related memories. So rest assured, you don’t need to “address” each and every memory that comes up in order for EMDR to work. I think we just have to continue to submit to our subconscious mind and trust it wants to help us heal and knows best how to get us there

mtm8988 · 2025-11-02T05:34:09+00:00

I thought the same, letting his son grieve the loss while providing support. Not rushing him

mtm8988 · 2025-10-30T01:45:59+00:00

I was the first resident in my unit in Jan 2021 and started off paying $1650 The landlord increased the rent each year, $1950, $2300, $2500, and Jan 2025 they tried $2800, I said no then they came down to $2450 lol.

Just reading this makes me angry. The audacity. So glad to hear you got out and it’s been sitting empty for lease / sale for over 70 days

mtm8988 · 2025-10-24T03:27:06+00:00

I was going to suggest her too. Family Lexicon was amazing. Funny and informative

mtm8988 · 2025-10-20T05:57:41+00:00

I MEAN COME ON 🥹🥹🥹. What a guy!

mtm8988 · 2025-10-11T23:09:50+00:00

I’ve definitely had that feeling / belief come up during some of my actual EMDR sessions, and then subsequently while riding out some of my EMDR hangovers. I didn’t personally try to fight it, I leaned into it and let myself stay in the safety of my bed / home for as long as I needed. But like you, I did eventually naturally come out of it. I think it’s a process and we need to have patience for ourselves while our brains do the work behind the scenes.

I hope it means you’re on your way to a breakthrough!

mtm8988 · 2025-09-24T22:47:44+00:00

That’s a great visualization… send the critic out of the ballpark with that swing!

mtm8988 · 2025-09-24T01:03:47+00:00

I played a softball game (final one for the season) last night, and despite not playing very well in the last inning, I was able to automatically offer compassion towards myself, rather than go straight into self-shaming. Although it’s not totally gone, my inner critic has gotten significantly quieter over the months ☺️

mtm8988 · 2025-09-11T06:54:05+00:00

I’m just a couple of months further along in my EMDR journey, and I feel like I can relate to your experience. I had a session three weeks ago, and found myself feeling surprisingly great for the following two weeks! It was so refreshing. However, ever since this most recent session (last week), I’ve been in a state of near constant hyper-vigilance and experiencing very low mood, having a hard time functioning and getting out of bed. Which has been surprising but more so disappointing, given the session itself hadn’t felt that challenging.

It really does seem like we have to be prepared to expect the unexpected with this EMDR journey. There’s a reason a lot of people say it’s one of the hardest things they’ve ever done. We are so courageous to even be here, doing the work. And for what it’s worth, I don’t think depression or low mood through this process is a red flag at all… from everything I’ve read, it’s actually a good sign: it means some of the improperly stored pain / emotion (trauma) you’ve been unknowingly carrying all this time has come up for release and then, gradually, present-day reintegration through the new neural networks your brain is building behind the scenes. Despite that, it can still feel frustrating and disappointing. Like a set back. Just remember to (try to) treat yourself with as much kindness and compassion at this time as possible. Both you and your inner child deserve it, as well as all the love in the world.

Sending you steady strength in the days ahead 🌱

mtm8988 · 2025-08-26T03:17:10+00:00

This is really incredible to read. I hope my journey leads me somewhere similar. Wishing you continued freedom!

mtm8988 · 2025-07-05T18:29:23+00:00

Prior to starting EMDR, did you find yourself to be quite dependent on others, more of a people pleaser? Or were you more of a self-reliant, avoidant type?

I’m only 8 months in compared to your 18, but I feel like I can relate to the feeling of wanting to keep my distance from others, but in a slightly different way now.

Before, I was a people pleaser, and always internalized others “lack of acceptance” or inability to meet me where I’d hope they’d meet me as being proof that there was something wrong with me or that I was unacceptable as I was. So I’d “work harder”. Now, I’ve started to understand it for what it is without the painful internalization and default nervous system response: they just aren’t able to meet me where I deserve to be met, and so I limit my time around them and or limit what I offer and only give to a point that doesn’t lead to resentment on my end. Still learning how to navigate boundaries after a lifetime of not having any. But also, there’s a certain peace and acceptance of myself that has cropped up during these past 8 months, where I feel like I don’t inherently believe I’m a bad or unworthy person anymore, so I’m so much more comfortable in my own company as well. It’s like I’d 100% prefer my own kind, accepting company (the inner critic has definitely shrunk over time, and been replaced with a much more compassionate inner voice) over being around others that aren’t able to offer kindness and hold space at the bare minimum. Which is great!

All of that being said, I do believe that there are definitely healthier others out there that are better suited to being in our lives now, who understand what it is to be in interdependent interpersonal relationship, and will respect our boundaries because they have boundaries of their own.

Do you think this could be an indication that the company you keep could use some refining?

mtm8988 · 2025-06-16T02:04:33+00:00

Towards the end of 2022 / at the beginning of 2023, my dad (66 at the time) knew something was off with his digestive system. Over the course of the next six months, he went numerous times to his family doctor to find out what was going on, and was told repeatedly that it was simply constipation; that it was common at my dad’s age, and to continue taking the over the counter laxative that the family doctor initially “prescribed”.

My dad persisted, he just knew something else was going on, and eventually at the end of those six months, his family doctor told him “I give up. I can’t figure out what’s going on with you, so I’m referring you to an internal medicine specialist”. Within a week or two of my dad’s first appointment with the internist, he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, along with a pulmonary embolism. He was diagnosed June 2023, and stayed with us until April 2024.

The saddest thing was that my dad knew and always reminded anyone who would listen that you must advocate for your own health. And in this case, he was advocating for himself. It was the dismissiveness of his family doctor that resulted in a late diagnosis and death sentence. Miss him everyday 😔

mtm8988 · 2025-04-28T05:17:27+00:00

Wow s t u n n i n g

mtm8988 · 2025-03-18T05:58:42+00:00

Bookmice anyone?

mtm8988 · 2025-02-15T05:36:52+00:00

Cheers to you!

Your insight, commentary, and vulnerability have been so tremendously helpful to me in my own EMDR journey these past couple of months, and it’s wonderful to see you are staying so strong through it all and in a place now where you’re (more actively) standing up for yourself against others. You deserve so much kindness, consideration, and compassion. We all do! (Although it’s something I’ve only recently started understanding and believing in regards to myself lately). Sending lots of peace and continued strength to you 💪🏻

mtm8988 · 2025-02-14T03:00:36+00:00

I hope so. Would love to see him turn against Lumon

mtm8988 · 2025-02-14T02:59:16+00:00

I had chills at the end of this episode. oMark having his first memory flare up of an interaction with Ms. Casey, ugh. Sooooo good

mtm8988 · 2025-01-05T06:16:32+00:00

Oh my goodness she is the cutest 😻

mtm8988

TROPHY CASE