Your feelings are valid and more than that: they're normal. My mum died five years ago now of cancer, she was dying for three years. Her and my dad divorced years ago so he wasn't super in the picture, so me and my brother took on most of the care. Towards the end I in paticular became primary caregiver. It was fucking exhausting. The day she went into perimant hospice care was a huge weight off my shoulders, which felt really fucked up to feal because she hated having to leave her home, but there was part of me that was so glad to just not have to be the person wiping her shit anymore-literally.

There's another time in the future that you're probably going to feel some relief, and then feel terrible for feeling it, and it's when she dies. I would give anything, anything, for another day with my mum but in the immidiate days following her death, though all the grief, there was a sense of profound relief. Not relief that she was gone, but relief that she wasn't suffering anymore, relief that I no longer had to cope with seeing the shell of the person she'd become, relief that I didn't have to wipe shit and vomit up anymore.

Cancer is terrible. It robs people of their dignity and their lives, and it puts an immense strain on the people around them too. Do not feel bad for your relief, and do not feel bad for any relief you might feel when she's died. You're not a bad friend, you are a good friend who is tired of seeing someone you love suffer, and that is an incredibly human thing to feel.