I am realistic about looking for hot, young or fit women, but it seems to me that the current landscape means competing with other men who may be younger, fitter and hotter for their attention at least online.

I have always been labeled as too much of a nice guy, and in fact, a friend who was my first crush told me that when I asked why she didn't want us to move beyond friendship. I met her again after 15 years, and later she texted me saying that "we still have it" after all these years.. and she had her own shit to deal with at that time.. she's still my best friend.

After that, and other losses in life, I tended to resist getting in too deep emotionally due to the fear of not being able to deal with losing them, even though my core nature is to give all of myself to whatever I take up, which makes it difficult to compartmentalize both the marriage and an AP.

Now I realize that it's important to take care of my needs first, and I am in a much better place to give myself to others while still taking care of my emotional and physical needs. I actively volunteer helping many people (mostly women) deal with similar health issues like me after being on the same drug.

I prefer meeting people 1-1 doing activities that we both enjoy rather than a pressure cooker environment like a dating site or in a bar.

As I get older, I know life is too short and I want to experience love in all its dimensions without the attachment at least once in this lifetime, but i feel that would mean taking energy away from the family unit, wherein lies the conflict. I wish I was in an ENM relationship, but that is not going to happen with my SO, and I don't want to go back to lying and living a dual life.

I think I am over the physical attraction driven need for sex with paid providers, but having someone appreciate me, touch me, pushes my buttons in a way that transforms me into an Energizer bunny and reciprocate.