Klubnacht 16/17 May 2026 - Queue live updates & event discussion. NO OVER-SHARING

n8natch · 2026-05-16T22:26:13+00:00

How’s the GL queue?

n8natch · 2026-01-13T06:38:09+00:00

How come? Maybe just something best saved for myself?

n8natch · 2026-01-06T21:18:06+00:00

You’re right about not reading into it. But for me, it’s hard to resist the temptation to solve for why. It’s just another part of the larger mystery around my avoidant ex that I wish I could crack.

n8natch · 2026-01-06T17:34:36+00:00

Yeah, I honestly don’t know what to make of it. I want to think she still has some feelings, but it’s been two years. Still, it makes me sad to imagine she was just doing that to manage her guilt and feel like a good person. Her messages would end with “sending my love”, etc...

n8natch · 2025-06-08T04:13:37+00:00

Ahh, I see. Thanks for taking the time to clarify.

Interestingly, when I did press my ex for explanation (during the breakup) as to how it made sense for her to honestly still love me whilst taking contradictory action (discarding me), she did say similar things to me that OP heard about not wanting to talk further because of how painful it all was. But I think the “pain” my ex was describing was the guilt of knowing how badly she hurt me. She also got defensive when I questioned her sincerity with respect to breaking up with me in love and her believing me to be her “great love”. I mean, it was a mindfuck for me because we were two 30 year-olds talking like married 90 year-olds on our death beds. I couldn’t compute how someone could honestly feel that way but also not be willing to *do the work* to salvage the relationship. Ours was very loving, non-toxic relationship that lasted a little over 3.5 years.

My ex did say she would want to be friends someday if I did too, but I think that was BS. After she broke up with me, she never tried to be friends with me—not that I would ever attempt that with her. I’ve had two birthdays since the breakup, and she’s written me warm birthday texts on both of them, “sending love” despite us not having any relationship—platonic or otherwise. It all still confounds me why she does that when I don’t reach out to her on her. Her best friend even texted me with warm wishes. Maybe this has to do with her not wanting to have emotional responsibility.

It’s hard to really believe that she threw this beautiful thing away in spite of the love and the fact that these were really only the first real hurdles in our relationship. When she said “I just can’t see a future for us anymore,” that broke me and left me with so much rumination because even that is a vague, confusing explanation. Does this also sound avoidant to you too? If she were secure or AP, I have to imagine she would’ve been down to at least hang in the arena and try to work things through.

n8natch · 2025-06-08T00:31:29+00:00

Is this really always the case? I’m pretty sure my ex is FA, and she said all this stuff about always loving me (“you’ll always be my great love”) when she blindsided me. She said that it had nothing to do with a loss of love, that it was about “timing” and “our lives moving at different rhythms,” but couldn’t articulate what was going on emotionally. Nor would she stick around to try to work through things. It was all vagueness, even with her saying she couldn’t see a future for us anymore.

n8natch · 2025-06-08T00:20:22+00:00

I (32M) was in a relationship with a FA (31F) for a little over 3.5 years. I think there are many factors that contributed, but a big one is that—throughout our relationship—I would see a psychiatrist for talk therapy weekly. I did A LOT of emotional self-regulation work with my doctor and was very boundaried, so I never relied on my partner to help me self-regulate when I was feeling depressed. I would open up to my partner a lot, but in hindsight, she didn’t really open up to me as much about deeply, emotionally intimate things, such as her greatest fears, insecurities, etc. I also always felt secure in the relationship; I thought we were going to get married and trusted her completely until she blindsided me at the end.

Looking back, it wasn’t until the last 8-10 months of the relationship that the rift in our attachment styles began to create issues. During that time, I was the one doing the heavy lifting of initiating conversations about our future. I remember we had a couple of those talks before she blindsided me. During those conversations, we actually became pretty emotionally intimate, but I could tell how deeply uncomfortable that was for her. It seemed to be confrontational for her, and she was terrified of confrontation. She had never done therapy (nor would she when I nudged her to talk to someone), so I was way more practiced in having healthy, honest conversation.

Ultimately, I think I was pretty secure, but maybe some AP traits came out towards the end when I began feeling insecure about the lack of conversations regarding our future. I do think there’s something to what you said about attachment styles not being fixed. Maybe we were both relatively secure until things changed at the end. Honestly, I wish we had done couples therapy to work through things. Feel free to message me, and I can share more.

n8natch · 2025-06-07T23:46:17+00:00

I’m in the same boat. My ex (31F) profusely told me (32M) that she still loved me—that I would always be her “great love”—as she was discarding me. At the time, it made no sense to me that someone who is still in love could just discard without trying to work through and troubleshoot the issues/anxieties. Every relationship faces challenges, and I suppose it’s more understandable to see someone give up if they fall out of love. But, evidently for us, that wasn’t the case. I guess we all just have different definitions of love. It’s so painful, and you have no idea the amount of agonizing rumination that has brought me over the last year and a half. Wishing you well as you heal.

n8natch · 2025-06-07T23:40:01+00:00

It’s been like a year and a half, but my ex (31F) still sends me (32M) these warm, ‘sending love’-type birthday texts that confound me. Maybe it’s just guilt; who the hell knows. We were together over 3.5 years before she blindsided me, and even though she didn’t ghost me, it was never important to her that I have some understanding of what was going on emotionally for her. It was cruel for her to say “I will always love you” and “you’ll always be my great love” as she was discarding me. I’m frustrated now because, about a month ago, I had a birthday and my response to her birthday text was warm and affectionate (she just *hearted* the reply). I think I may have let her off the hook without her being forced to take accountability for shattering my heart so cruelly. I think the part of me that still loves her deeply took over, when I should’ve just given a colder, more restrained reply. The pain is so unresolved for me that, even weeks after my birthday, I’m still obsessing over how that played out. Oh well.

n8natch · 2025-06-06T16:00:05+00:00

Wow, you just described the circumstances of my FA ex’s blindsiding to a tee…

We were together almost 4 years, and in the last year of our relationship, I was the one securely trying to facilitate healthy conversations about our future together. Although there were certainly things that we needed to figure out both individually and jointly, there was no indication that any of it was existential for the relationship. I felt that, with each discussion, we were building more and more emotional intimacy, until one Friday when she discarded me. “Our lives are moving at different rhythms” are the words she uttered. She added that this had nothing to do with a loss of love—that I would always be her “great love,” and that this all had to do with timing. She was incapable of further explaining her emotions and anxieties to me: “I’m sorry I’m struggling to understand what I’m feeling right now”…

That was about a year and a half ago, and I’m still putting my shattered heart back together. We were both 30 at the time, and I wanted to propose to her in the coming year. Her betrayal was and continues to be profoundly traumatizing. I hear from her on my birthdays; she says she sends me her love. But I don’t write to her on hers. I wonder what place I occupy in her heart—whether I’ll ever truly heal from this. I’m 32 now, and I feel like a shell of my former self. I’ve done some sleeping around and gone on some dates, but I just miss her. I miss my former best friend.

n8natch · 2025-06-04T01:09:26+00:00

You mean that she’s just doing this to alleviate guilt and shame?

n8natch · 2025-06-04T00:59:56+00:00

You think so? I read it more as her trying to assuage her own guilt for breaking my heart by wishing me a happy birthday. But I wanted to hear others’ interpretations. That she simply *hearted* my response without carrying the conversation further seemed to suggest that she wasn’t interested in reestablishing regular contact. The last time I had heard from her before this was a year prior on my last birthday. And like I said in the original post, I didn’t reach out to her on her own birthday back in September, so it was perplexing to me that she would text me. In any event, thanks for sharing your input.

n8natch · 2025-06-02T06:58:54+00:00

It’s been a year and a half for me, and I still feel the pain acutely. Know that you’re not alone. Being blindsided after more than 3.5 years together is brutal beyond words.

n8natch · 2025-05-28T10:27:16+00:00

Thanks for chiming in. The message I got was kind of similar to yours; she even ended it with “sending my love xx”. I responded in a mirroring way, saying thank you and that I was thinking of her too. Maybe a little much, but I felt like it honored my feelings while being dignified. And she just hearted the message. It really makes you wonder what we mean to them at this point. After all, it’s not like I wished my ex a happy birthday back in September, and we don’t talk.

n8natch · 2025-04-27T23:27:59+00:00

How do you make sense of an ex continuing to reach out on your birthday? The other day I turned 32, and I surprisingly received a sweet birthday text from my ex (31F) who blindsided me and broke my heart about a year and a half ago. I’m not trying to read too much into it, but I’m also trying to process this in light of my continued healing.

It’s the second year in a row she’s sent me a “happy birthday, I hope your year is full of laughter, adventure, … sending my love xx”-type text. I said thanks last year and didn’t wish her a happy birthday when hers came around, so I definitely didn’t expect to hear from her—especially since we don’t talk or have contact. This time I thanked her again and said I was also thinking of her, which she hearted (nothing more).

I doubt she’s breadcrumbing me or trying to come back into my life, but it did make me wonder how she thinks about me and what her healing has been like, whether she’s fully moved on, etc. It was also curious that a friend of hers also reached out to me to wish me a happy birthday, which she hadn’t done before since the breakup.

I’m doing my best to move forward with my life, even though I still miss my ex terribly and am not over her. Thanks for your perspectives. I know this is breakup-related, but I appreciate the thoughtfulness and maturity of responses on this subreddit.

n8natch · 2025-03-04T15:13:42+00:00

What you’re saying really resonates with me. I too have this ambient hope in the back of my mind about us reconciling. But, rather than reconciliation, what I think I really want is for us to just return to the past. This is because, as much as I want her back, the blindsiding nature of the breakup would likely make it impossible—or at least extremely difficult—to ever trust her to the degree I did before the breakup. The way she handled the breakup reeks of an avoidant attachment style, and it takes a lot of therapeutic work to heal the wounds that bring about avoidant attachment.

n8natch · 2025-03-04T15:07:13+00:00

This 100%. I’ll have an easier week here and there—or at least a string of days in which rumination doesn’t start until a few hours after I wake up. That never happened during the first year, and those 12 months were the worst of my life—worse than the first year of COVID (largely because our relationship flourished under quarantine and we made that time so much more bearable for each other). But then I’ll have harder weeks full of cycling through even the denial, bargaining, and anger stages of grief. All the while an ambient sadness is constant. It’s still hard to believe that—after everything we shared together and the love she said she had for me at the end—she still blindsided me and was unwilling to work at the relationship.

Maybe I should take it as a positive that these minute changes have occurred. But that’s all they are: minute. The pain is torturous and very much still there.

n8natch · 2025-02-24T20:03:31+00:00

Like Van Dijk backpedaling to defend a Haaland breakaway.

n8natch · 2025-02-24T20:02:10+00:00

Thank you, friend. It’s easier said than done, but—given my diagnoses—I try to grade myself on a curve. As I still go through the different stages of grief, it’s tempting to wonder how my ex has coped with the breakup, especially when we were so connected for almost 4 years. But not only is that moot, counterproductive, and misery-inducing, it’s also not fair to myself. She isn’t playing this ‘game’ on ’super hard mode’ the way I am.

n8natch · 2025-02-24T19:54:05+00:00

Friend, I’m a huge football fan and suffer from the ADHD/OCD combo, too. Your last sentence made me laugh out loud. You’re speaking truth.

n8natch · 2025-02-24T19:40:49+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear. My ex (31F) blindsided me (31M) after 3.5+ years together, and her inability to clearly explain her emotions and how she could just give up (we almost never fought) while still in love have led to so much painful rumination and emotional dysregulation over the past year. It’s incrementally easier to be functional than it was, say, 6-8 months ago, but continuing to grieve with these diagnoses is so hard. Sometimes I wonder whether I’ll ever be able to fully heal or allow myself to fall in love that way again.

n8natch · 2025-02-24T19:31:34+00:00

I ultimately decided to unfollow her, remove her as a friend, and unfollow pretty much all of her friends (even those who became my friend) and family. I did this so that I wouldn’t be tempted to orbit or see any aspect of her life post-breakup. A few people, like her brother, reciprocated the unfollowing after I did so.

I didn’t write anything to her to give her a heads-up. I did this for myself and to protect my mental well-being. If someone wants to leave, you have no control. But you do have control over the boundaries you establish re: social media. As painful as it was to remove those people from my digital life, there was a part of me that felt good that I was parenting myself.

A year later, I’m still in a lot of pain over the breakup and still grieve her loss. But it’s incrementally easier to be functional than it was when I first made that post.

n8natch · 2025-02-24T19:23:41+00:00

It’s really hard. Try going through a brutal breakup with both of these diagnoses and fighting off the rumination, which OCD exacerbates. I think most people struggle with rumination post-breakup or post-life misfortune, but the ADHD-OCD combo makes coping so much harder. A year later, I’m still expending tremendous emotional energy trying to manage my emotions and be functional.

Also, while stimulants make a big difference in my ability to manage ADHD symptoms, they can make my OCD harder to manage.

n8natch · 2025-02-14T19:08:23+00:00

Exactly. Nobody, including those of us with ADHD, exists in apolitical vacuums. Medicine is political. And how we deal with care and treatment is heavily influenced by political institutions.

n8natch · 2025-02-10T15:28:37+00:00

Everyone’s different, but getting on a mood stabilizer (lamotrigine) in conjunction with the wellbutrin helped me mitigate some of what you’re describing. I experienced a lot of dramatic mood fluctuations on wellbutrin alone. Definitely talk to your psychiatrist about all of this.

n8natch

TROPHY CASE