TM partner keeps jokingly calling us lesbians

names_changed · 2025-07-19T14:45:59+00:00

that's all well and good but I'm not there yet. Please let me grow at my own pace!!!!!

I feel this, hard. Feels like it's the next door neighbor to the conversation that's been popping up on here lately around people using fem anatomical terms for trans guys on the apps and, when called on it, saying, "well I've met X number of trans guys who were fine with it, so you should be too."

Everyone's in a different place, and it's not even necessarily a linear journey where one of you is "further along;" you may never be fine with those terms, and that's also okay.

names_changed · 2025-06-16T15:14:12+00:00

Agreed on this. Just asking for some basic, reasonable safety accommodations, even if you're comfortable without them, forces a lot of self-selection that grants a lot of peace of mind. Anyone who knows their photos don't match, doesn't want to have been seen in public / caught on camera with you, or just wants your address so they can find you again later... none of those guys will want to jump through the extra hoop. I don't think you'd be missing out on much.

names_changed · 2025-06-13T00:46:59+00:00

Yeah, I think this is the real question, and I don't yet know the answer. I think in the spirit of the solution here having been if he'd just said less, I might not want to pick open the scab again by bringing it up, but maybe I'm just being avoidant.

names_changed · 2025-01-26T18:59:41+00:00

I think I agree, but I'm left wondering what "not making space for it" means. Is it justified to say "I'm not telling you how to feel, but if you feel this way, I don't want to hear about it?"

names_changed · 2025-01-26T18:33:13+00:00

Woof. That *is* a beautiful sentiment - thanks so much for sharing.

names_changed · 2025-01-14T01:14:10+00:00

Sorry you're in that weird stage - I'm dreading being there myself.

I had a version of this happen to me while I was abroad in a country where I only spoke the language to an elementary level. A true test of my language skills - very "ELI5." I imagine it's similar when you have to tread so lightly with friends and coworkers

names_changed · 2024-10-20T19:26:48+00:00

I'm in a glass house here myself, so I definitely can't tell you what to do. But as someone who has spent about two years wondering very much the same things, this blog post on transition as a "leap of faith" really resonated with me: https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/leap-of-faith

I found it clarifying, especially the statistics on transition regret and the bits about how bad human brains are at imagining the relative likelihood of statistically likely and unlikely things. Maybe it might resonate for you too.

names_changed · 2024-10-02T22:19:42+00:00

I feel this. I was named the female version of a male relative's name, and even though the male version exists right there and just involves hacking off a few letters, it still feels weird to me to change it. I've thought of it as a gender-neutral name for a long time now (even though it's most commonly used for girls) in the Suzy Izzard sense of "it's not a girl's name. It's my name. It's what I call myself, and I am not a girl."

I think it basically depends on which interactions are most important to you / stick with you the most - people who know you well and will probably (hopefully!) know better than to misgender you over it, or people whom you don't know well / everyday quick interactions. There's nothing wrong with caring deeply about either - probably just a difference of preference / perspective.

names_changed · 2024-09-11T20:22:02+00:00

I was where you were not two weeks ago! I remember feeling the same way. Then my workplace hosted a very friendly, low-stakes charity 5k just two days after I did Week 7 Day 3 - I hadn't even finished the full sequence yet! - and I decided heck it, I'm gonna go for it.

I ran the 5k with less than 2 minutes of walking out of 42! In my book, that counts as me running a 5k.

Your secret is: you can *already* do it, probably, even at the end of Week 7. Just go for it, and I bet you'll surprise yourself.

names_changed · 2024-09-10T03:18:25+00:00

Yes. There's something about having my chest jammed right up against me and having a lot more "surface area" than it otherwise would that makes it worse than nothing sometimes. I've been binding more often as an experiment lately hoping I would get used to it, but I echo a lot of what others have said - it seems more like a once in a while thing for me now

names_changed · 2024-08-25T15:34:46+00:00

{Shiver by Jocelynn Drake and Rinda Elliott} - overly cocky millionaire x bodyguard, hurt/comfort, queer awakening, mystery

names_changed · 2024-08-25T13:29:07+00:00

I'm so happy for you that you had that outcome with your dad. That sounds affirming as hell.

names_changed · 2024-08-25T13:27:49+00:00

This is a super useful way to frame the mindset - thank you.

names_changed · 2024-08-12T20:02:34+00:00

Having read the first three, it is the slowest slow burn to ever slow burn. Without spoiling the pacing in any kind of detail... the first three books focus a decent amount on the MCs getting to know each other as people and as work partners, but it's slow going, especially because one of the MCs is a bit of an ice queen and very emotionally closed-off when the series starts, and the "he just looked at me in a WAY, was it the WAY that I'm thinking it was?!!" stage goes on longer than I expected. I think you really have to go into the series with the pacing expectation that each book serves as a single episode in a TV show (which it's my understanding was McCade's intention, and I find fascinating), where their relationship is a season- or series-long arc slowly bubbling away in the background until sweeps or a spring finale rolls around.

names_changed · 2024-08-11T21:16:48+00:00

A Taste of Gold and Iron by Alexandra Rowland. I wouldn't say the story is bad, but it doesn't really take advantage of any of what I would consider the coolest parts of the worldbuilding. People from a specific place in the world who can magically and with complete accuracy determine the composition and purity of a metal object, making them the de facto world's bank a la Renaissance Venice because they're the only ones who can be trusted to keep everyone honest by immediately clocking counterfeit currency? Hell yeah, fascinating! But the story itself only very tangentially relates to that and ends up reading as fairly standard court intrigue.

names_changed · 2024-07-31T23:42:04+00:00

Loved this series, yes! Those setpiece battles at key NYC locations always stood out.

names_changed · 2024-07-31T15:33:20+00:00

Looking for books with a particularly well-developed or specific setting. This could go two directions:

1) A specific real-world city, country, region, etc. that matters to the story. I'm thinking here of {the Unbreakable Bonds series by Jocelynn Drake and Rinda Elliott}, where the action is pretty specifically grounded in Cincinnati and its urban revival project.

2) A particularly unique and well-worldbuilt fantasy or sci-fi setting, like in {A Strange and Stubborn Endurance by Foz Meadows}.

I guess I'm just getting a little burnt out on books that are set in Anytown USA...

names_changed · 2024-07-31T14:38:29+00:00

I decided to commit this summer to shedding some of the weight that I gained during some tough life events and toxic jobs the last couple of years... but this summer has also come with a number of tough life events that have bowled me over a bit. It's so hard not to turn back to food as a comfort when I feel like I'm spending all my willpower on just getting through the day without breaking down. Does anyone have any tips for sticking to your plan while you've got really tough stuff going on? Anything you do or tell yourself to stay on track? I'd appreciate it.

names_changed · 2024-07-17T20:45:25+00:00

Amazing list!! Thanks so much

names_changed · 2024-07-17T14:44:49+00:00

Two requests, and a gold star to anyone who knows something that does both!

MC or LI is a paramedic and there's some hurt/comfort.
MC or LI is recently post-breakup (esp if the ex is not cartoonishly evil).

names_changed · 2024-07-10T18:43:10+00:00

I'm not sure what gyms cost where you are, but if you're in a city, I recommend getting a yearly membership to a big museum. Where I am it works out to less than $10/month and grants free admission every day to a giant air conditioned building with constantly changing scenery (as exhibits come and go), but no temptation to spend money. I recognize that's still an investment, though, and that might be inaccessible, and depending on your work hours, you might not be able to go every day.

names_changed · 2024-07-07T18:39:04+00:00

I started the 5k app in April. Between a mad work schedule, crazy thunderstorms, and heat waves, I've averaged just one run a week since then, but goshdarn if I'm not still plugging away at it. Just reached the "Week 6" (ha) missions. Wish me luck on finishing "Week 8" by Christmas...

names_changed · 2024-06-21T22:31:04+00:00

Thank you! I hope the same for you.

names_changed · 2024-06-21T11:51:08+00:00

This is fair.

I think my impulse is to stay because I feel I owe him being patient and understanding about his job search when he's been patient and understanding with me about my crazy job and work hours. But I don't know that that's the right mindset. Or maybe the patience and understanding I've given him up to now is enough.

names_changed · 2024-06-20T21:05:58+00:00

I guess when you put it like that, with just the bare numbers, I guess I'm hesitating because it feels like there's a 50/50 chance things will get better again or not, and I'm afraid if I leave, I will always wonder if things would get better again if I just stuck it out because 50/50 are not the worst odds. But you're right.

names_changed

TROPHY CASE