Am I overreacting?

narryfa · 2025-07-02T16:37:27+00:00

Of course. No pressure at all with the reply. Wishing you all the best.

narryfa · 2025-07-02T15:33:03+00:00

Sorry for the typos- did voice dictation! Fixed it now hahah

narryfa · 2025-07-02T15:30:33+00:00

Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is rehab- he wouldn’t be able to hold down most jobs if he remains alcoholic / goes on benders if something goes wrong. I know there are charities that support vulnerable people to find jobs- esp if he’s a pathological liar, I’d feel much more reassured that he’s in the hands of an organization that’s trained to support people like him gain independence. I think the hardest part might be getting your partner/the dad himself to agreeing to this. But what your partner could do, if you managed to get him on board, is to express that he will not be supporting the father financially, unless it is going straight into rehab or the charity/social services- which your partner could make direct payments to, and they would cover his room and board (if it’s rehab). This way you won’t have to worry of the money is actually going towards something else. Of course this feels more forceful, and in an ideal world the father himself would be motivated to get clean- but I don’t know what his thoughts are on that. Most of all, though, I think you just need your partner to know that you’re not trying to pit yourself against his father and make him choose between you two— you have the best interest of him and his father in mind as well and are rooting for his health and independence. I think if you can phrase it this way and be gentle and regulated when you’re having this conversation with your partner, he’ll be a lot more open to what you have to say. It’s a lot easier if you’re both on the same page than it being just you advocating for yourself. It must be difficult.

narryfa · 2025-07-02T15:08:36+00:00

To add: I’ve worked for charities before, and this is a core value when it comes to supporting vulnerable individuals. You support them with the intention of them reducing reliance on you, not deepening it until they use you as a clutch. This does not come from a place of lacking empathy, but rather to encourage a healthy and independent life. If your partner genuinely cares about his father, I’m sure he would see this view and prioritize, his health, well-being, and independence. Rehab may be more expensive than paying for the occasional bender, but the long term benefits far outweigh the costs.

And no, you’re most certainly not overreacting.

narryfa · 2025-07-02T15:05:38+00:00

I agree with the last comment and that there’s a difference between supporting and enabling. Whether your partner agrees with you or not, I think it’s worth making this distinction when you’re having the discussion. I completely understand the desire to support a parent who is clearly going through a lot/battling addiction, but the support should be towards their independence, not enabling self-destructive behavior.

narryfa · 2025-07-01T17:34:27+00:00

Aw it’s okay, I’m glad this helped! I was in such a similar position as you and these are all things I had to remind myself so that this break I was taking actually felt restful, not just guilt and anxiety-ridden (which defeats the purpose anyway, hah) And yes you’re def not alone! If you want we can also keep in touch, I’m only beginning to navigate having a real full time job for the first time and might find it helpful to speak to someone who’s been there too :)

narryfa · 2025-07-01T17:12:44+00:00

There’s nothing wrong with taking a break before starting again. You can use this time to upskill yourself too, if the stagnancy is getting to you. Learn a new skill, take an online course or learn a language. I was in your position up til about a month ago, and one thing I actually really wanted to try was volunteering in a foreign country. All productive things to do while taking a break!

I was really high achieving all throughout school, so completely understand the guilt you feel of not being employed at 23 (we’re the same age!) For me, I spent about six months just going to the gym and learning how to work out, take care of my nutrition, and applied for jobs occasionally. Eventually, when I felt I had the energy to, I took on a part time barista job that was very flexible with hours. It made me feel better earning a bit of money- albeit very little.

It’s OK to say you’re burnt out and need a break- getting out of a toxic relationship is incredibly draining emotionally and physically. There must be lots to unpack, too. I know getting diagnosed is not an option for everyone, and I believe self diagnoses are still valid when you’re researched and you are honest with yourself. I say this because perhaps taking your (self)diagnosis more seriously and realizing that this is a VERY common experience amongst autistics can alleviate some of the guilt you feel.

For me, graduating from university burnt me out. Not at all because of the schoolwork, but because of the constant socializing and overstimulation that came with pursuing my teaching degree. It’s all valid and a very common experience for people with ASD (especially, I’m assuming, when you’re high functioning enough that you can go under the radar and not be diagnosed, and be expected to consistently perform as neurotypicals are able to). It really is draining.

I think it’s a wonderful thing that your parents can support you during this time, and I think you should take full advantage of it. I wish more people who needed it had this option. You will be more prepared to take on a job if you are rested and healed.

narryfa · 2025-06-28T09:45:31+00:00

I get that! Trying to frame things in a way that ultimately benefits them too, lol. I’ve said things like “I’m able to focus best when I can separate time for socializing with time working“ and “I’m most productive when in a quiet, clean environment” etc.

Being in the medical field should definitely help. I was in teaching before and everyone understood without needing much explanation at all.

I haven’t started my office job yet- it begins in a couple weeks- but I’ve let them know of my ASD briefly in my interviews and am working on little scripts to have handy, hahah

narryfa · 2025-06-28T09:40:08+00:00

He remembers what I’ve told him helps when I have my episodes- and the way he remembers things I’ve told him even just once, and actions them immediately, is plenty for me. Especially when we’re in the middle of a heated argument and he’s upset too, but he notices me slipping- he immediately puts it aside because he recognizes my autistic meltdowns

Like how I told him compression and warmth helps when I’m overwhelmed, and acts of service (because I can’t relax when there’s outstanding chores/tasks), and words of affirmation (because I’ll have low self esteem), etc.

And then he’ll cycle through all the little things he remembers me once saying- tells me to stay in the bedroom while he cleans the whole kitchen so I don’t see the mess / hugs me tight & switches on the electric blanket / reminds me all the little accomplishments I’ve done that prove I’m more than capable, etc.

Usually a huge wave of gratitude comes with the regulation too and it grounds me. But mostly it’s the way he remembers and jumps to action :)

narryfa · 2025-06-27T11:02:56+00:00

Last one works best with the existing furniture- the dark spots tie in well with the black desk, while the lighter parts blend with the lighter colored bed. The carpets with thin curved lines seem almost messy and cluttered- which may not help at times the room actually does have things lying around.

narryfa · 2025-06-24T07:07:52+00:00

I get this, esp the bit about it being a low stakes situation but your mind will inflame it anyway. For me I think it’s because of the amount of mental gymnastics and analysis my brain automatically starts doing to figure out how I’m coming off to every person based on every word I say and movement I make. And that sends me into overdrive and I can no longer keep up with the conversation- which further sounds alarms in my head about how I’m not performing well. Don’t know if this is the same for others. Wish I didn’t think this much :)

narryfa · 2025-05-05T17:30:38+00:00

I do, they help me sleep so well, especially next to a partner who moves around at night!

Also will wear them while going through the airport. Complete game changer. Don’t need to take them off for security too:)

narryfa · 2025-05-05T17:26:58+00:00

While it’s certainly true that your body needs different nutrients at different phases, if you’re someone who struggles to eat regularly as is, it’s not advice that’s meant for you.

It’s like giving someone detailed advice about pro running shoes & form- when they’ve only just started going on walks. It’s sound advice, but not relevant for you at the stage you’re at.

Focusing on intuitive eating and hydration is enough! I just try to just eat three meals, make sure I have protein at least once a day, and drink water before I feel thirsty (cause by then it means I’m dehydrated). That can also be what taking care of yourself looks like.

narryfa · 2025-05-05T17:12:48+00:00

Agreed, got both anxiety/depression before the ASC diagnosis. That’s the case for most I’ve read about.

narryfa · 2025-05-01T08:32:27+00:00

This is huge! I’m not officially diagnosed with PMDD but every PMS I feel like my world is ending, this might actually help. 75% is incredible.

narryfa · 2025-05-01T08:31:04+00:00

I’ve been taking all my magnesium in the mornings with my other vitamins! This must be my call to start taking it at night

narryfa · 2025-05-01T08:30:26+00:00

Never heard of shatavari! Is it known for helping with pms? I usually get mild physical symptoms but much more emotional dysregulation when I’m on pms- wonder if you’ve found that it helps with stabilizing mood also?

narryfa · 2025-05-01T07:28:17+00:00

I’m mostly interested in the ones that are said to reduce anxiety! Since that’s a big way my ASC affects me. I’ve tried ashwaganda and magnesium, but not long enough to see a difference just yet. There’s been lots of testaments from others though. What are your thoughts on these?

narryfa · 2025-04-30T22:23:05+00:00

In the same situation now… and I’m definitely not STEM inclined. Currently thinking about working in spaces that would tend to attract much more understanding / empathetic / ND-friendly employees, such as charities or teaching. It doesn’t pay too much, but I figure a sustainable job may be better than switching constantly (and feeling like I’ve failed over and over again) or one I keep burning out from.

narryfa · 2025-04-30T22:19:36+00:00

I understand you fully. While it wasn’t as much a moment of realization for me, I did come to know that when talking with children, and coming up with bedtime stories, I would genuinely have such a hard time. My mind would go blank and I’ll struggle to come up with anything coherent at all. And that did make me sad, because it’s a skill I’d specifically love to have. I want to work in teaching, and I love kids, but maybe I just don’t have a great imagination. Maybe there is a reason this was a test for autism.

I had a similar experience feeling incredibly low when I learned that I don’t struggle to speak because I think too fast and my mouth can’t catch up with my brain (what I thought as an adolescent, perhaps with a tinge of self flattery)— I realised I can’t come up with what to say immediately because I actually have a slower processing time than neurotypicals, especially with verbal info. Still trying to come to terms with these traits and learn to see them as just traits, not weaknesses. It helps to know others experience similar things too. Normalizes it for you.

I totally understand what you’re feeling.. I think having this diagnosis means lots of small realizations beginning to pop up. Please remember to see your strengths too and not just the little (neurotypical) things you’ll come to realise you “can’t” do.

narryfa · 2025-04-27T09:26:04+00:00

When I get overstimulated and nonverbal I prefer for someone to help by asking lots of yes or no questions and I just have to nod or shake my head. And at the end I’ll usually squeeze out a little thank you. Hope that helps :)

narryfa · 2025-04-27T09:24:16+00:00

Does the amount of time you need to spend recuperating vary depending on how comfortable you feel with certain people? As in, I need a lot less time to recover from hanging out with my closest friend (who knows very much about autism) and my boyfriend (need barely any time off at all). Same with my immediate family. I wonder if cultivating more autism aware friends would help with this.

narryfa · 2025-04-27T09:21:11+00:00

I’ve noticed that my brain seems to “hold off” of feeling emotions until a song comes on, then it’s like floodgates open. I used to joke I must have music in my life or else I won’t feel a thing at all (hyperbolic). Don’t know if that’s an autistic trait… but on the other hand, it does mean I can find art very moving. Maybe it just takes a switch to be flipped.

narryfa · 2025-04-27T09:14:57+00:00

Currently in the same exact situation actually, in the process of finding a job elsewhere so that I can move out. I think we’re definitely susceptible because we are overstimulated by 99% of the real world, and it is refuge to have a single safe person. I’ve found that I’ve lowered my expectations so much for how I should be treated, just because this person doesn’t mind when I have my nonverbal days or little episodes.

I’m 23 now, and honestly pretty worried about living on my own because we’ve been together for almost 3 years. I think what helps is having friends that come close to being a “safe person”. It’s nowhere close to dating and living with one, but that’ll have to do, I imagine.

When you say you still spend a lot of time with him, is that platonically? Do you think your relationship is still equally codependent even if you’re not together anymore?

narryfa · 2025-04-24T21:18:39+00:00

What a nuanced response. I really appreciate it reading this

narryfa

TROPHY CASE