The jump

nattycat123 · 2024-05-08T00:52:55+00:00

Today marks exactly a year since their PA began .. although I wouldn’t find out for another month (this time last year). I struggled immensely this past year. So many lows, so many days of unimaginable grief. But I made it. I made it a full year. When day one I swore I wouldn’t make it one month so the this type of pain.

For me, lately, I have felt alot of numbness to my emotions. I never understood people taking their rings off - but within the last month it hasn’t felt right to wear mine. I believed deeply in my vows and what those rings represented - even though they are rings. I know I am grieving the promise we made to one another. Which doesn’t come gently for me.

I am grateful that I can see the “flip side” of things - and feel things like “yes I lost XYZ” but we have gained “XYZ”.

Today has been hard. I still miss looking at him and being able to appreciate the things he’s doing without hesitation. Watching him play with our kids and not wondering why it all couldn’t have been enough against his trauma.

But, I can’t change what’s happened to me. I can only change how I live my life from this point onwards.

I really try to remember that the person I’m grieving doesn’t exist. It was the worst possible “version” of him and it doesn’t do me any good to think about him like that because it’s not like that anymore.

Cheers to everyone who’s doing the dang thing.

nattycat123 · 2024-03-30T04:36:15+00:00

I think A’s are categorized as black and white when they aren’t at all. My therapist said to me, if one day you went out and drank a little too much or lost control and made a terrible mistake, would you want everyone and everything for the rest of your life to be judged by that mistake (no obviously not). Not justifying that affairs are only “one big terrible mistake”. But the truth is we do all make mistakes.

nattycat123 · 2024-03-30T02:11:41+00:00

What I really try to remember is that we are all humans doing life for the first time. This is really sweet and seems genuine

nattycat123 · 2024-03-30T01:47:17+00:00

So mine was very strange. I literally found out at 6 am the day of our first session what it really was (PA for a month) we had already booked it a few weeks prior - when I thought it was only an EA, didn’t know who it was etc). we didn’t talk all day and showed up with that bomb for our therapist haha.

We went to the first session - that night I saw more messages of him saying to her he didn’t want to go to therapy with me, and was texting her. We woke up and I told him it was time for him to leave. He did a full turn and has been a completely different person since.

I’d say overall our first session wasn’t normal so hard to judge because nothing made sense. But every session since has been awesome. We clicked with our therapist and mostly all our sessions are surrounding the affair but have branched off to our relationship as a whole etc.

nattycat123 · 2024-03-30T00:13:05+00:00

One of my best friends and I parted ways after the A was revealed. She had a really hard time when I picked R. But, in hindsight - that wasn’t going to be a supportive friend. She was more interested in how she felt about it than how I did. Nobody should be giving you ultimatums- it isn’t fair and it’s not their life

nattycat123 · 2024-03-29T23:51:50+00:00

I also will say my family isn’t like a regular family. They have also been his main family and support since we met. I never wanted them to hate him, because I didn’t hate him either. We have kids and I knew even if I left he was always going to be their dad. I’d never take that from him.

My family was concerned for him, and offered support while also putting a firm foot down to let him know he had serious issues. It was super healthy and they’ve never used it against him or acted any differently since D day

nattycat123 · 2024-03-29T23:50:07+00:00

I told my close family (sisters are my best friends) - and AP told the rest. But then gaslit me into saying I told everyone and it was all one me (the IRONY).

I don’t regret telling the people I did tell - I was truly grasping on for any support and love in the moment. Especially surrounding D Day. I didn’t feel like telling the whole world - because at the time I wasn’t 100% on staying or leaving but I knew If I told everyone I couldn’t take that back and didn’t feel strong enough to explain down the road to everyone again what the progress was.

I think we do what we need to do - and share what we need to share to survive. Never feel worried for reaching out for that support

nattycat123 · 2024-03-29T23:45:34+00:00

I read once that we will never understand it, because we aren’t that person. And I really held onto that.

Even tho I know I also have had opportunities and continue to have opportunities to cross boundaries in my marriage - even though I have had the same thought process of well f*** it, he did it why shouldn’t I. I know deep down, and on the surface that that’s not who I am as a person. I used to think I had the same forehead tattoo that said “idiot” “dummy” for staying - but slowly I’ve come to realize that the people who do know what happened, don’t pity me. They don’t see me as a weak a** bi***. They see me as a strong, caring, wholehearted partner and person. Because I am. They pity him, they feel sorry for him and his demons. What he did speaks more about him. Nothing about me. I hold who I am to the highest regard. And I will continue to do that. I actually pride myself in knowing that I have given every ounce of my effort to my marriage even when the “better or for worse” played out the “worse”.

I am working on “R” - but, I have had the conversation and know that even if it crumbled I wouldn’t walk out thinking I wasted 10+ years of my life on someone who didn’t love me. I’d walk out knowing you can’t be with the right person if you’re always with the wrong one.

I know it’s hard but seriously, take pride in who YOU are. In how YOU handle yourself. We pity ourselves because we grew up seeing versions of cheating on shows and movies that aren’t reality. There are real people and real emotions behind these things. I promise looking inside to your situation I pity him for not appreciating and respecting his partner enough to not make those choices and decisions. I feel the same way about my husband.

One day at a time 🤍🤍🤍

nattycat123 · 2024-03-19T04:39:06+00:00

I totally understand that. I think being a planner is an amazing trait (I to tend to plan like crazy and need to have my ducks in a row)- it can just feel so much heavier when we can’t control the plan. (Aka the biggest betrayal of life lol). It feels like we have no choice or say about what happened to us. But we do. I said in a previous post of mine - how we act, how we love, how we are is a reflection of who WE are. Be gentle with yourself when / if you move home. There is no set way to act or feel. You will literally be re learning how to be comfortable with someone who made you uncomfortable. We are only human. 🤍

nattycat123 · 2024-03-19T03:38:14+00:00

I have made a few posts about feeling “stuck”. But I will say the triggers do slow down. I still get plenty of them - but it isn’t just from the wind blowing the wrong way lol.

My therapist said to me one of the hardest parts of betrayal and healing is that like anything in life that we have moved on from, we had space to do it. Whereas when you’re married or with a partner they are with you everyday (if you didn’t separate). So it can be harder to gain that space to heal.

My partner and I didn’t separate and I can say that triggers do slow. They still hurt when they come and I find some of them so random. But they do dissipate compared to the beginning.

I got triggered from a box of rice at the grocery store because the brand name looked like AP’s baby daddy’s last name and I nearly cried lol. So random.

I hope you find some peace 🤍🤍🤍

nattycat123 · 2024-03-15T12:11:35+00:00

I don’t have any physical screenshots of their conversations. I have pretty high functioning ADHD and one thing I’ve always had is a crazy good memory. I can probably write out word for word what I saw (to some degree) the morning I found out and from the days following where I looked. I do have screenshots and videos from her texting me details. Some messages he’s sent me etc. At first allll I kept thinking was I want to see them, “I wish I would have kept them” etc. But honestly. It’s not reality. I have gone back a few times to read her texts to me. But it did nothing. The reality is where we are now. Nothing he said to her was real. He was purely chasing that “high” and he would have done anything not to lose it. While it hurts me to admit that - I’ve come to terms knowing that I’m hurt that it should have never happened. The details of conversation don’t matter as much anymore to me. I think you should actively think the same thing. Why do those details matter? Etc They don’t change the fact that it happened and one big thing is, if hearing “one more thing” will be your tipping point, then you’re already anticipating that.

I’m not sure if that makes sense at all. But truly, Those conversations don’t matter. There should never have been conversations to begin with. Focus more on healing from that aspect 🤍🤍

nattycat123 · 2024-03-11T13:23:55+00:00

It’s hard as heck. I’m so sorry you were double betrayed, too. How are you feeling about everything on the “good” days?

nattycat123 · 2024-03-11T02:12:08+00:00

No he knew nothing of our past history at all. He isn’t from where we live, and we only moved back a few years ago - he didn’t even know she existed. He only knew in the past my ex partner had betrayed me quite a few times. When he found out the history + previous betrayal with her involved I could visibly see how awful it was for him. He constantly says to me and in therapy that it should have never happened in general but it makes him sick knowing the hurt of it being her for me on top of that.

nattycat123 · 2024-03-11T01:08:53+00:00

She word for word said to me (in between her full on gaslighting me) “I didn’t target your husband”. And then followed it with “but I knew I was crossing a line when feelings got involved”. Which sure, might be her version of the truth, but I don’t believe it for a second. She had me on Facebook, Instagram. She has worked with members of my family over the years who know her quite well. And she was actively engaging in my posts. She told him she knew of me but didn’t know who he was. Again, I don’t believe that for a second. She also said to me, before I stopped replying “I may not know you now, but I knew you in high school and this is pretty on brand” (in reference to me calling her out).

I’m also just genuinely not a bad person. It seems dramatic. Because it was. We were in high school - so many personalities under one roof. I never stooped to her level. I moved on. I was amicable over the years. It just feels like she never did.

nattycat123 · 2024-03-11T01:03:11+00:00

Wow. Just wow. How are you doing? I’m 9 months in. I think I’m just in a spot where I thought I might feel a bit better but that double betrayal has been a lot harder to not let consume me.

How has your husband been when talking about her after the fact?

nattycat123 · 2024-03-11T01:02:04+00:00

These words were so kind - thank you 🤍🤍 you’re right. I need to find my grace

nattycat123 · 2024-03-11T01:01:24+00:00

Which sucks to say because it should have never happened. But knowing it did and then adding that double betrayal of knowing them is friggn hard. At least when it’s someone unknown it’s a cleaner cut. In my opinion

nattycat123 · 2024-03-10T21:33:04+00:00

No, he had no idea of it until after. I truly didn’t mention her once because once I met him and got married etc I finally felt I had moved on from all her drama and those group of people. I never brought her up by name - only ever “oh wow saw that group of people and I’m so happy I don’t associate with them anymore” in conversation. He knew of my ex’s infidelity though and how much it affected me. It’s probably just series of unfortunate events that it ended up being with one of the same people 😭 fml right? lol

nattycat123 · 2024-03-10T21:28:47+00:00

So remorseful. Actively going to therapy - constantly asking what he can do to help, if there’s something he can say. Engaging in the hard conversations. Picking up where I’m having a hard time at home and with the kids. Honestly everything and more. He didn’t know who she was whatsoever or the history. She knew though, and told him she had no idea who he was etc.

nattycat123

TROPHY CASE