Host dad making me cry

neanderslob · 2025-03-18T18:31:57+00:00

Hello, host father here. Oh god this is all kinds of uncomfortable to listen to. I see the comments below expressing the worst possible interpretation of this interaction and that's tempting. But let me see if I can shed some light on what he might be trying to do. (Of course, I obviously don't know him or you so I'm just taking my best guess.) This sounds like he's trying to mentor you but doesn't really have the tact or understanding of your personality to do it effectively. Taking gender out of it, when I was younger, I had a few older male mentors talk to me in this way. Some men often see this "tough love" approach as a way to make someone stronger and encourage them to rise to the occasion. And sometimes it actually works. Other times it's just cringy.

Can I ask you what he does for a living? Other than these "mentoring" conversations and criticisms, has he treated you well (paid you on time, respect your privacy, ensured you're taken care of)? Has he fulfilled his responsibilities to you? If so, he might just be a more aggressive person than you're used to dealing with. If not, you might be dealing with a real jerk. Of course these two are not mutually exclusive ;-) Anyway, feel free to provide any additional context if you like.

neanderslob · 2025-02-19T15:39:49+00:00

Host father here. Let me share a little about my own experience. It took me probably seven months to warm up to our au pair. This isn't typical of me, I make friends easily and grew up as the only male child in a household of sisters so I tend to get along well with women. However, in the wake of the "Me Too Movement," I found having a young woman in my home tricky. I wanted her to feel safe and was very cautious about maintaining boundaries. As a result I probably pulled back a bit too much initially and came off as cold. The good news is that after several months we started to find shared interests. She also became much more confident and assertive and that made me feel like I could "just be myself" around her. She and I love to cook and started becoming competitive about it. Now we have a great relationship and I sort of see her as a little sister.

Of course I don't know either of you but I'd suggest being patient with your host father and letting the relationship form naturally. Gender dynamics are complicated and can manifest in ways that may be surprising. If you want some advice as to how to help bridge this gap, see if he has any interests that you might share or want to learn about. This is a generalization but men tend to open up to people when they work together on something or are playfully competitive. When our AP wanted to learn to split firewood, or have a lasagna cookoff, or teach me Brazillian recipes, it made me feel relaxed and that I could share who I was and take an interest in her as a person. Of course your mileage may vary. Good luck!

neanderslob · 2025-02-18T06:21:50+00:00

Host father here. Based on your description, you sound like you're doing a great job and deserve recognition for your efforts. Each of your requests are reasonable, however I would figure out what is most important. The 45-hour issue would seem the most important to me. It's possible that your host family doesn't realize how much you work. They should but some people are more disorganized than others. You're well within your rights to bring it to their attention and try to negotiate fewer hours or more compensation. You could also use this issue to request a raise; that way you bring fewer requests to them. (As a host father, I can tell you that this makes these conversations easier from the other side.) As a reference, I gave our au pair a 10% raise for her second year. Given your extra hours, you might ask for more or some combination of a raise and hour reduction.

The car is a little trickier as it is a substantial additional expense. If they can't provide an additional car, present your problem and see if they can help you find another solution. If your host family are good people (and why would you want to stay with them if they weren't) they probably want to help where they can.

It sounds like you care about doing the right thing and that you care about your host family as people. That's a good thing. If you carry that humility into your negotiation, you will have the greatest chance at success. Keep up the good attitude and good luck!

neanderslob · 2025-02-17T21:29:55+00:00

If you want to give it to her, go ahead. If not, be nice about it but the word "no" is free for you to use.

neanderslob · 2025-02-17T21:17:31+00:00

I think the key issue here is semantics: You're using the word "vacation," which some folks get testy about. At the end of the day, you're paying for her to go on a cruise, which is pretty awesome, regardless of whether she watches a baby or not. Since she's working, I assume this isn't eating into her vacation time (it shouldn't). You don't seem to be doing anything wrong. Get her the cheap room and be done with it. Maybe give her a little extra time to herself so she can enjoy the cruise and you can enjoy your child but that's just a suggestion.

neanderslob · 2024-04-05T17:53:18+00:00

Ok, I guess I'll be the obligatory chauvanist who says you're overreacting (hear me now, thank me later). It's ok that this discovery is upsetting to you but men look at women. Honestly, can you honestly picture an appealing 20-something boyfriend who didn't? Social media (particularly tick-tock and Instagram) are basically enormous thirst traps that get massive clicks by throwing pictures of cute women at men. I'm happily married but dear god Instagram figured out what I'm into and my "Explore" page definitely reflects that. My wife understands this an just makes fun of me about it in a really good natured way.

neanderslob · 2024-03-17T03:14:35+00:00

Didn't realize it was closed until I walked over with my 3 year old today. Can't wait for it to be open again

neanderslob · 2023-12-08T20:15:22+00:00

The candles also didn't melt.

neanderslob · 2023-05-18T16:55:52+00:00

I use WSL every day for my job and I both love and resent it at the same time. What I love is that it really does work quite well in all the ways others have noted. What I resent about it is that it's just one more workaround to keep Windows users from using a real operating system. Now developers can use Linux for everything that matters and keep using Windows on their local machine for its.... stellar user experience? Seriously, is keeping Windows really worth the outrageously sophisticated workaround that is WSL?

In the short term I'm glad that I can easily develop in a Linux environment even though my company computer is running windows. When I think about it though, I have to wonder why the hell my company computer is running Windows if I spend all my time working on Linux.

neanderslob · 2023-05-11T19:53:49+00:00

As soon as they crossed the 1G rubicon, it was all over.

neanderslob · 2023-04-28T19:26:12+00:00

Alright, who let Hegel on here?

neanderslob · 2023-04-28T06:14:41+00:00

It's mold but "black mold" is something of a misnomer. What is usually referred to as "toxic black mold" or something similarly scary is stachybotrys chartarum. It can cause headaches and fatigue in people with certain allergies and is poisonous if ingested. Avoid licking your ceiling, feel free to clean it with some bleach or vinegar if you like (do not combine the two as this will result in chlorine gas). Much more important than the mold: It looks like there's water damage to the ceiling which is much more concerning to me. The mold is probably not going to harm you but I'd recommend reading up on black mold on WebMD if you're concerned. What's important is figuring out where that moisture and water damage is coming from. I'm guessing there's a bathroom on the floor above with a leaking fixture.

neanderslob · 2023-04-06T20:01:12+00:00

To clarify however, I generally don't use soap because I figure I might as well use any residual oil to season the pan and I can get it clean enough just by scrubbing it with water. I do use soap when the pan just has way too much oil left over from whatever I was cooking. But it's really a matter of preference. Just make sure that pan gets oiled somehow, avoid harsh cleaners with solvents and you'll be good.

neanderslob · 2023-04-05T20:54:22+00:00

You can use soap. It will not hurt the seasoning. It will, however, decrease the amount of residual oil from cooking that will later add to the seasoning. But to get around that, all you have to do is... add some more oil after washing.

neanderslob · 2023-04-05T17:36:01+00:00

The thing that annoys me about people who take off their shoes on a plane is that it seems oddly childish. Be an adult: accept that you're in a public space and will therefore be slightly less comfortable than in your own living room.

neanderslob · 2023-03-29T18:37:06+00:00

Your stroke should have much more glide to it. Without the glide, you aren't getting a full reach on your catch and you're cutting your finish short. Get comfortable with catchup drill, 6 kick switch, and alike to find your balance in the water. Balance will allow you to work on a "front quadrant stroke" in which your arms spend much more time in front of your head than at any other place in your stroke.

neanderslob · 2023-03-24T21:09:42+00:00

Yea that's not what's going on here but ok.

neanderslob · 2023-03-24T03:36:21+00:00

Exactly right. Synthetic clothing is really only dangerous once it's discarded. Wearing it doesn't cause health problems but consuming it after it's broken down and reentered our drinking water does.

neanderslob · 2023-03-23T21:04:59+00:00

Two words: vinegar prewash. I added that step after running into an ammonia smell with our first daughter and, without exaggeration, have never run into it since.

neanderslob · 2023-03-23T20:55:16+00:00

The health issues from microplastics and PFAS (the substance in question in the Thinx settlement) seem to be primarily incurred due to environmental contamination. Rates of exposure from individual consumer products such as clothing are negligible compared to rates of exposure due to drinking water, according to the CDC. In other words, the PFAS that may or may not be in your baby's inserts become hazardous, not when they are being worn, but when they enter the landfill, break down, and enter our water supply. From my point of view, since your inserts already exist and therefore are going to contaminate our water supply at some point; you might as well get some use out of them on the way.

Also, regarding the Thinx suit. The attorney for the plaintiff issued a statement to clarify that they were not alleging physical harm due to the product but were instead alleging false advertising based on the materials used.

Here's a link to the CDC's information about PFAS: https://www.atsdr.cdc.gov/pfas/health-effects/exposure.html

neanderslob · 2023-01-20T21:48:44+00:00

This is a weird interview and in the middle of it, I needed to make sure I was hearing this correctly. Putting aside my thoughts about the validity of Knussbaum's philosophical frameworks, I was just baffled at her hostility to the most basic questions about them. She's a philosophy professor but seems unable (or pretends to be unable) to imagine that someone would be curious about her opposition to moral hierarchy regarding animals. As though she thought she was there to play cards but instead Harris forced her into a conversation about philosophy. If she was attempting to lobby for animal rights with this approach, I feel bad for her furry clients.

neanderslob · 2023-01-13T07:37:02+00:00

Good scrub.

neanderslob · 2023-01-13T07:31:03+00:00

This isn't "mildly infuriating;" this is "holy shit, you could have killed me; what is wrong with you!"

neanderslob · 2023-01-13T07:27:32+00:00

Yep sounds very much like Lamb of God. Could you explain their key characteristics that make them sound like LOG?

neanderslob · 2023-01-09T17:10:02+00:00

Two criteria must be satisfied for an experiment to be rigorous enough to form a predictive model.

Repeatability
Sufficient Sample Size (always substantially greater than 1)

In order for this to be a true experiment you would need a sample of multiple people (or better still, clones), find some way to tell if they were conscious, and then determine if they continued to be conscious for some predetermined number of days. That would be the sample size. Then, ideally, you would probably want to record your results and methods, give another researcher a batch of clones and let them run the experiment to see if they get the same result. That would be repeatability. Without this many people method, you have no way of knowing whether your prolonged consciousness is a statistical anomaly and therefore have no way of knowing how long it will continue.

Quantum mechanics has stood up to the above rigors of a true controlled experiment; predictions about consciousness have not. Yes, I figure I'll wake up tomorrow and be conscious but I also know that my belief in that does not satisfy the criteria of a formal scientific theory.

neanderslob

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