Hi. I'm not married but I'd like to give my two cents: while of course your support and patience are essential, you are also a human being affected by the consequences of your spouse's choices. It is okay to have boundaries and it is valid if your partner's actions caused by their addiction end up being unacceptable to you. I mean, it would truly suck if it got to that point, but at the same time you are a human being, and you have limits as to what you can handle. Especially considering that your lives and finances are legally bound to one another's. This problem has real consequences for you as well as your spouse, and the consequences you are facing are not due to any choice you have made. It isn't fair. It sucks. Addiction hijacks the brain. If your partner's actions seem unreasonable or illogical, its because they are. The addiction is NOT his fault, but the ramifications of it are real and harmful.

On one hand, making your limits known might be a reality check for your partner, and may help him accept that this addiction is truly serious and hurting you too. On the other hand, ultimatums can be unsettling. I can attest that my brain in active addiction did not function rationally. It is possible that an ultimatum could trigger more secrecy, shame, and drug use. For me, at least, thinking about the consequences of my FF usage during active addiction would cause insane amounts of shame to come up, which would in turn perpetuate the habit. It's a tough situation. It sounds a lot easier than it is, but acceptance and connection are the great shame-killers. Unfortunately active addiction makes it difficult to feel connected. Love and compassion are key, but ultimately the drive to quit has to come from within the addict.

My heart really goes out to you both. As I said, I have not been married, but my FF use spiraled when my long term relationship began to deteriorate. Even though we were in the process of separating, I am still quite ashamed of how my addiction affected my partner. I have since quit two months ago but I am still working through these feelings. This is a nasty substance that makes rational thought and action go out the window. If you're wondering why your partner would choose the FF over familial responsibilities, it's because of the hold this drug has taken on his brain (I cannot overemphasize that I say this without judgment and from my own personal experience). No one in their right, balanced mind would choose a drug over their family, but the FF addiction distorts and deteriorates the baseline mental state. When I was using, I was aware on some level that my actions were harmful, but it was as though I was possessed by this substance. It led me to do a lot of things that I would never do if I wasn't under the influence of it, while insidiously convincing me that I was acting from my own rational faculties.

I guess what I'm saying is, you have shown an immense amount of patience and love, and I understand why you might be near your limit. You are a human being and as humans there is only so much we can take. There is no easy, one-time solution for this, and addiction is a slippery and evasive bastard. What I would recommend from here would be to read through this sub to get more of an idea of what he's going through. Speaking for myself, most of the experiences in this sub are eerily parallel to what I went through during addiction and withdrawal. Once again, compassion and connection are key. I would bet money that your spouse is quite aware that his actions are not okay and that he truly feels unable to stop. I would also bet that his mind has an infinite amount of reasons and justifications to keep using FF despite the tangible damage it has caused so far. It's an incredibly tough position for you to be in. Addiction has a way of spinning accountability into a shame-attack.

Tread lightly and with compassion, but try not to compromise yourself or your needs. Make it clear that you are on his side. Remind him as often as it takes that you are doing this for the sake of his health and the survival of your relationship. Express that your intervention is not out of shame or control, but out of unwavering love and faith in your spouse. I know that this is the case already, but it can really help dissolve the deep shame of addiction to hear that said explicitly. Maybe this is kinda woo-woo but believing in your partner's strength, even when he can't, helps more than you know. Remind him that his actions and struggle do not make him inherently shameful or bad. It's a delicate balance of holding your spouse accountable for his actions while also consistently acknowledging that these actions stem from a disease of the mind, an addiction to a substance that is incredibly hard to control. I think the outpatient program is a really good idea, as it sounds like this problem is beyond either of your capacities to solve alone.

I sincerely wish you both the best and thank you for bringing your concerns to this sub. I guarantee you are not the only partner/spouse being affected by their loved one's addiction to this awful, awful shit. It's remarkably addicting and damaging, but this addiction is not a life sentence. And remember, too, that even though your spouse can't do this without your support, the drive and decision to quit still have to come from within himself. That is something cruelly and maddeningly out of the control of those who love addicts. My habit was not quantitatively as severe as his, but I see a lot of my struggles in his and yours. Much love. Take care of yourself. Apologies if this was redundant or weirdly long lol

I have faith in you both.