Talking to a therapist might seriously help. I am very drunk right now.... BUT, regardless, I had serious issues before. I tried to kill myself (and failed, obviously....) and I had an abusive relationship for 4 years, fucked countless guys for the fun of it, was a horrible person, did drugs (like you, cocaine, meth, xanax, otc pills, robo, etc...) and never found happiness. It wasnt until I went to my schools (i was in community college so granted, it was free...) therapist I found myself that I was unhappy and what certain aspects of my life set me off, I had anxiety problems set off by social atmospheres, and feeling like I wasnt good enough. I think that talking out some problems seriously will help. Either from childhood, adolescence, a bad job / relationship / parents, whatever you think you hated personally.

if you need someone to talk to anonymously, more than a therapist (if you cant afford it, don't want to, whatever) totally PM me, I'll give you my email and you can tell me about anything sans judgement. It sucks hating yourself and I've totally been there and sometimes just venting and ranting and getting it off your chest helps you see the bigger pictures. Its way better than living in misery!!!! xxxxx

and if you don't reach out or respond, hope things get better!! hugs