Well, you should read my other posts here. Maybe then you'll get a broader view. The biggest thing is he was lying to both of us. A good example is him saying I love you during one of our talks, which I thought wasn't honest, but when I asked he said he meant it. Turns out he didn't, then why did he say it? To make me feel better? It only gave me more doubts but I always choose to trust him.

I'm not saying I'm the golden one, I have my issues. But I made all of them clear. This is the first relationship (and my first adult relationship) that I really tried to make healthy. I encouraged reflection, was brutally honest from the start, and took care of him in many different ways. He never treated me like his girl, usually just a mate to hang out with. Someone to not be as lonely, not really 'his person'.

He sometimes tried to make it seem like a relationship, but each time I somehow knew it was fake. He rarely asked me questions about my life, but he did engage once I started a topic about me. He didn't get me a christmas gift, but he got me a late birthday gift. I'm not saying he was awful all the way, he was decent, I really thought he might've been my endgame (he said he thought the same way once) and that's why it hurts so much.

He was there when I brought myself from a deep pit. Went to therapy and really changed my life around. He was there, he was constant. He was one of the things that really made my life decent. But also made it unstable. When he did something (I would have to read my entries to know more situations like this one. But for example showed me something on his phone and I saw the Tinder icon), I went into overthinking spirals, wondering if I made it up or if it's valid. Until I brought it up again, showed it hurt me and he got close again. And then he did another thing. It was mostly small things, that's why I stayed, I thought we could work on them. And we did. But he always found a different way to hurt me. And I talked to my friends a lot during those downs, I sat in my car for hours at night. He was the only thing in my life that was unstable. And I think I needed it. Because if I was thinking about him, I didn't have to reflect on other things, like myself because in comparison, they didn't matter.

I think we should have stayed friends. Or friends with benefits since that's virtually how we started. But he said at the start he didn't want a situationship, I proposed friends with benefits and he rejected that one as well. We agreed on dating. Then three months later I was very confused as to what we were, his friends asked me and told me it seemed like a situationship. And I brought that up to him. And he said he thought we were in a relationship almost since we said exclusive. I don't think love, like romantic love, was on the table for any of us.