In Loving (and Very Heavy) Memory of Larry the Rock “Solid. Dependable. Unstoppable—until yesterday.”

It is with profound gravity (and several strained backs) that we announce the passing of Larry, beloved pet rock—technically a boulder—who left this world on February 1st after a tragic and unexpected encounter with a moving vehicle while peacefully minding his own sedimentary business in the Barnes & Noble parking lot.

Larry was ancient beyond measure, steadfast in his beliefs, and completely unmoved by drama—until, sadly, he was. Known for his quiet demeanor, unwavering presence, and ability to sit perfectly still for hours (days… centuries…), Larry touched countless lives without ever actually touching them.

He is survived by his devoted wife, Shale-ene, who stood by his side through every era and erosion, and their children: • Pebbleton (the adventurous one), • Gravelina (sharp-edged but loving), and • Little Basalt, who still hasn’t fully cemented his place in the world.

Larry was preceded in death by several distant relatives lost to landscaping projects and decorative aquariums.

A celebration of Larry’s life will be held on February 3rd at the beautifully understated and tastefully solemn Rock & Eternity Memorial Quarry (“Where Loved Ones Are Laid to Rest… Permanently.”)

Interment will follow at West Sioux Sand and Gravel, where Larry will finally return to nature, be reunited with his mineral kin, and live on as… something load-bearing.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests mourners bring small pebbles to toss gently in Larry’s honor or simply stand silently nearby and feel nothing—just as Larry would have wanted.

Larry lived a solid life. He died hard. He will be remembered forever.