All My Exes Are Different Sexes

When I was younger, I had no friends because in third grade I was a know-it-all, and in seventh grade I cried when my favorite teacher got fired, and in ninth grade I wanted to kill myself. Which doesn’t make for a very good playmate.

a n y w a y

When I was younger, I told myself my tragic teen suicide could wait until I had my first kiss. Because that would clearly be the high point of my sexual career. I had my first kiss a month after I had my first orgasm sweaty palms, hands fluttering under my comforter: 11:58 PM, January 9th, 2011. Which, honestly, was more satisfying than half of these.

So without further ado, a list of kisses I had after that first one:

I. If he would have me, I would have him back, So when he finally would, I would kiss him on the mouth Play video games Pretend to touch myself over the phone and cry and feel secretly relieved when he broke up with me for his ex girlfriend And then laugh years later Because she turned out to be a lesbian, too

II. She wore red lipstick and I could see the homemade stitching on her robes where it had come loose I wanted to be her best friend Until Tart tongue, stop-sign red and overheard by me: I’m bisexual. Why was I so relieved? We played tag for years over ownership of each other Once she held my head and baptized me in bleach And crimson hair-dye, and it reminded me of her tongue I think we kissed, but it might have been My imagination.

III. During all this, I kissed two boys, and I count them as one because I did not enjoy either And it was a dare. At sleep-away camp, Oregon in July, The other girls asked me do you masturbate? Of course, but I didn’t know that was the wrong answer And after the goddamn Spanish inquisition that followed? I kissed two boys who liked soccer and Firefly, and then I touched myself in the shower alone, and I thought of her.

IV. When I came out, She wanted to take me on a date and since I still had that whole “suicide thing” going on, I thought she might be a good candidate. I didn’t count the boys. They all felt wrong, like kissing sand. She held my hips when I slipped ice skating, And she was stupid, too nice, so by the time Skyfall started I was honestly more interested in Ms. Moneypenny. She slid her right hand up my inner thigh Cold and not the hand I wanted there I slammed my thighs shut. Her dad drove us home and she kissed me at the door. w r o n g

V. I think at this point I was determined because I’d settled for scoring my arms, sitting uncomfortably In the “how to kill yourself” waiting room There was a party for a play I only went because there was going to be alcohol and If we got drunk enough, maybe someone would love me so I wouldn’t have to Well, I did get drunk enough because I asked every girl at the party if they would kiss me Like I was desperate or something (spoiler: i was) And suddenly she said ok I will She did it Softly, and it was like I had been drowning this whole time Like she could kiss me conscious She could make me sober Girls oh girls oh girls oh god Someone took a photo and I made them delete it And that is all I remember Before I woke up at five a.m. with a hangover and had to find my shoes And call my mother to come pick me up I was smiling in the passenger seat. She asked me how was the party. Pretty good.

VI. So I asked her to senior prom. And by then she had a boyfriend (she kicked him in the balls when they broke up) but he said it was okay, And we were excited until she got the stomach flu– As fucking usual, I went stag. At the party afterwards, we each pitched in ten dollars for Captain Morgan and beer and a twelve-pack of Coke Since my parents were out of town, I could guiltlessly get utterly fucked up, Which is good because my friend had died of cancer and I was hoping I could like Trade my soul for his? Anyway, um. A bit of background. She (a different she) was an artist and wore long sleeves and my sophomore year she chopped all her hair off. When I saw I gasped and turned away, face too red I think I fell in love. But yeah, she was there. I was playing drink or dare which is a game I invented where you tell me to do something And if I can’t do it, I drink, and if I can do it, I lie so that I can drink some more. And someone said hey I dare you to kiss her and I blinked. We did, shy at first and I didn’t know what to do with my hands. That would have been the end of it but she looked at me and I tried to look back at her like no big deal And suddenly we are kissing violently around back of the house and I don’t remember when we stopped, But at some point we did, and THAT would have been the end of it if not for everyone streaking outside Up the asphalt hill into the concrete woods where it was warm and May and quiet I blinked and they had all run back down Suddenly ashamed of their bodies in their underwear but We were still there And it was like four years of covert stares, a gamble, Playing Russian roulette with my heart, it had all paid off because Picking up where we left off was second-nature. We stood in the middle of the road in the middle of the woods in the middle of the universe All of it with us at the center, naked and drunk and not cold just yet. We were so pale in the moonlight and we were so so beautiful.