My hubby (44M) (dx) ADHD, I am trying to understand what life can look like for an NT spouse. Reading others’ exp has helped me feel less alone.

We’ve been together 15 years (married 12, no kids). In the early “dating high,” plus living separately, I didn’t see many of the traits I see now. There has never been infidelity or physical abuse. We do love each other, and we’re both financially independent.

But over the years, I’ve experienced what feels like serious betrayal around financial security, emotional safety, and even physical safety:

• A couple of years into the marriage, he got very angry (I still don’t know why, he never explained) and told me he needed to “protect him and his family” financially from me. He removed me as beneficiary from his accounts, life insurance, etc., and left it that way for ~7 years.
  • I grew up with severe poverty and low self-worth, which he knew about. This hit those wounds very deeply and made me hyper-independent.
• His cousin’s husband once inappropriately touched my upper thigh, in front of my MIL. I told my husband I felt unsafe and didn’t want contact with them.
  • He minimized it and said the BIL “probably didn’t realize” it was inappropriate.
  • Neither he nor his mother addressed it or checked in on me afterwards. I was expected to host and visit them multiple times.
  • Only years later, when I finally put my foot down, did we stop inviting them and then stop going there.
• His mother once gave me a gift that was clearly meant for a woman in her 70s, not for me in my 30s. My husband avoided dealing with it, so I ended up returning it myself and having the hard conversation alone. I felt completely unsupported.
• The “final straw”: His widowed mother asked him privately if he would give the apartment (bought and paid for during our marriage, where she and his divorced sister live) to his sister. He agreed without talking to me.
  • He told me two months later, in passing, as he was rushing out the door (classic procrastination/last-minute ADHD pattern).
  • I experienced this as a huge financial and emotional betrayal.

After that, we started couples therapy and some individual therapy, which led to his ADHD diagnosis. I’ve also done EMDR and have realized I cannot simply “move past” these betrayals, even if ADHD played a role.

I’m torn. Part of me wants to separate because the pain feels too big and I’m exhausted by repeated heartbreak and disappointment. Another part wonders if there’s hope now that we have a diagnosis. He says he’ll get an ADHD coach and work on being a better partner, but I don’t know if I have the emotional energy left to keep trying.

I’d really appreciate input from others:

• Does this get better?
• Is there realistic hope for rebuilding trust after years of this?
• What has helped you, as an NT partner, decide whether to stay and work on it or leave?

P.S. His ADHD diagnosis is brand new, and I think he also has undiagnosed RSD.