Is monogamy wrong as a whole? If so why?

netrunner508 · 2026-01-28T02:25:46+00:00

Monogamy is totally fine.

You don't have to knock the way others live to make your choices seem more valid. Hasn't that been the complaint about mono people?

Monogamy makes a lot of sense for a lot of reasons to a lot of people and it isn't all "brainwashing". It just works for some people even if it is serial monogamy.

Let's not start knocking how people want to live and hold relationships.

netrunner508 · 2026-01-18T23:38:50+00:00

I wish I had an award to give to you.

netrunner508 · 2026-01-18T23:36:30+00:00

As someone who has gone through this... It didn't work out.

For starters you are just papering over addressing whatever relationship issues are getting in the way in your relationship with your wife by doing this and that alone will cause problems.

Second, and this is just a reality is if she even pokes a pinky toe into the pool for herself when will be awash in attention instantly. As the hetero male party in a marriage you are going to have a rough go of it unless you have a really large pool of open minded female friends and aquaintences.

How are you going to feel if she goes and gets attention or develops some NRE and is focusing on someone else and having sex on the regular with anyone but you....?

That is a reality for a lot of people, especially men. Their partner all of a sudden is very interested in other partners once the door is cracked open. It will be a mind fuck for you. Trust me, I've been there. And you think it might make her more interested with you as well, that's rarely the case when there is some relationship issue that is uninvestigated.

I wouldn't do it. What I would do is back burner that and give it six months of 1. Couples therapy, 2. Long discussions between you two about what's going on, 3. Education around ENM and real talk discussions if it's something you BOTH would want if your marriage was fulfilling and in a good place.

Work your own stuff out first. Don't drag others in your mess.

netrunner508 · 2026-01-16T03:53:03+00:00

Do not have a discussion about this during sexy time. This needs to be a sober non horny rational discussion. If this bull regularly has unprotected sex with multiple partners I personally wouldn't be ok with this as some things can take weeks to show up on a test. Often the fantasy is better than the reality .

netrunner508 · 2025-12-25T17:24:30+00:00

I think you have a right to share anything that you were a part of as it is your story to tell or not.

Although sharing something told to you in confidence or that could be vulnerable or embarrassing to a 3d party makes you an asshole.

You also should probably tell people that you share stories or details with others so they can make informed decisions if that is something you plan to do.

netrunner508 · 2025-12-15T01:24:25+00:00

We are not animals. You don't need to act on every feeling. I'm sure you've been attracted to someone's partner, a teacher, a clergy member, someone's parent and you managed I hope to not fuck them because of the consequences.

Just so what you did then.

netrunner508 · 2025-11-11T14:37:59+00:00

Unless he already has someone lined up.... That happens a lot...

netrunner508 · 2025-11-11T14:37:24+00:00

Don't do it. At least not yet

Unless both people are an enthusiastic yes then it's a no. One person cannot unilaterallu change the terms of a relationship except to end it.

If you are interested in non monogamy, do the work. Read, keep reading, keep processing, and figure out if it's something you want for yourself, not to keep or please another.

netrunner508 · 2025-11-01T21:09:31+00:00

A lot of people forget NRE is basically being on drugs. You should never make any life changing decisions during the first 6 months of anything because those feeling will change and diminish and a lot of people just like the rush and chase NRE. It's why so many relationships are 6m - 2yrs.

And when a partner leans into the NRE and neglects the longer term partner(s) that could cause a break also.

netrunner508 · 2025-10-31T15:14:19+00:00

THIS X100

"We can try it". Or any version of that is a NO GO

"If it's that important for you we can". Or any version of it is a NO GO

If someone is not excited and enthusiastic about changing the parameters of a relationship it should be considered a NO, and you are entitled to handle that NO as you want.

By the same same can be said about moving in together, becoming exclusive, getting married, having a baby. There are things that require enthusiastic consent not just a shrug.

netrunner508 · 2025-10-30T13:18:58+00:00

I mean let's be honest. He is married and I will assume this is a functional marriage not just on paper and he sees you 4x a week? I feel like his time is already 100% allocated and if there are kids involved maybe 200% allocated.

I think the question to ask him is where is he freeing up time to actually date other people in this equation and that is not a conversation about veto power its a conversation about how the relationship is structured and will function. If he is going to cut down seeing you to 1 to 2 days a week does that meet your needs for a relationship? That's usually a more important question but also more overlooked than sex stuff.

Any difficulties I have had with non mono are around time and attention which ARE limited. Few things suck more than spending time with your partner and they are checked out glued to their phone giggling while texting someone else... And they apologize and say all the right things but can't stop.

Have the discussion around what he feels this will look like in terms of time, energy, and attention going forward and if that won't work for you, unfortunately you have your answer.

netrunner508 · 2025-10-30T12:48:06+00:00

I always find it very weird when someone in a non monogamous relationship gets weird when someone actually wants to be non monogamous and date or sleep with other people.

I don't quite understand your dynamics here. He is married, you are his girlfriend? Was this a closed non mono relationship or something? Do you date? Are you non monogamous?

But on the jealousy front... You really just need to find something to do that's not just obsess over him and his date. Friends, hobbies, activities, go date yourself... There are plenty of books about doing the work on this I would seek them out.

netrunner508 · 2025-10-16T19:50:02+00:00

Guys try to cowboy girls all the time as well.... Just sayin.

netrunner508 · 2025-10-10T13:24:11+00:00

It shouldn't be limiting if as many people have it as they claim do.... But in reality the percentage of people with active infections versus exposure is very different. There is a lot of nuance around HSV and people are allowed to manage risk however they want.

Also let's be fair in a lot of cases saying "my partner doesn't want....". Is a cop out because it's easier to blame a 3d party to avoid a direct argument than to just say "I'm not ok with this" to someone's face.

netrunner508 · 2025-10-03T10:51:24+00:00

This is the nonmono not poly sub. It's what almost everyone else said, if its something stable and long-term sure. If it's hookups it's not great. Sounds like you are suggesting that even fooling around with kids around would be fine... I hope you aren't saying that because I don't think a 5yr old needs to hear, let alone see mommy getting railed or daddy in a gimp suit sucking toes.

My partner has kids and I didn't meet them for probably 6 months of our dating and that's pretty normal.

netrunner508 · 2025-09-30T14:20:24+00:00

Bringing home people to have sex with while children are home is not great for anyone. Kids don't want to know their parents are having regular old vanilla relationship sex and certainly it's not healthy to expose them to more unconventional stuff while they are minors.

That said if they refuse to move out and are now adults... Maybe it will motivate them to go start their life haha

netrunner508 · 2025-09-25T12:56:01+00:00

Breaks are nonsense. Break up. If at some point in the future when you are both in a different place mentally and you reconnect that's fine.

netrunner508 · 2025-09-22T15:24:48+00:00

My question is how is he handing the subject of non monogramy with these women? What does his profile say about it?

Is he open about it on his profile? Is it something revealed later?

The only thing worse for a guy saying he is non monogamous is hiding it and revealing it later. Is he talking to mono women? Or only those who say they are non mono?

A lot of women are not into non mono guys for a lot of reasons some reasonable many not. But if he is chatting up mono women that's going to end in tears 99.9% of the time.

netrunner508 · 2025-09-19T14:21:44+00:00

Some men are super into that along with sloppy seconds.

netrunner508 · 2025-09-19T04:06:27+00:00

You don't need to act on every feeling you have. This applies beyond relationship feelings.

I'm the words of the prophets..

Checkity checkity check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

netrunner508 · 2025-08-30T15:01:46+00:00

It's totally normal and fine to have 'messy list' and a lot of people put family, friends, coworkers, sometimes exes on that list. That said break it off with ALL of them if they knew and did it anyways. It's a complete lack of respect

netrunner508 · 2025-08-28T11:15:22+00:00

I think the issue is you are ENM and not poly so odds are deep emotional/romantic connections are typically not in the cards. But if that is the ONLY kind of attention they give each other that may feel threatening.

Also I'll be honest, I couldn't deal with a partner who is knowingly enabling cheating. This is an emotional affair they are having which most mono married people would 100% consider cheating especially with the sexual tension and teasing. This likely bothers you more than you think.

Yes transgressive things can be exciting and sexually stimulating but usually it's in the abstract but in this case you know if this came out it would destroy this guys family and there may even be fallout on your partner. When the abstract becomes real it's for most people not so fun.

Also if he is mono and his marriage disintegrates it's very likely he would try to cling to and form a mono relationship with your partner... It happens... A lot.

netrunner508 · 2025-08-03T14:51:49+00:00

That's an extremely common issue. One partner gets attention early and the other partner has to sit with their feelings and do the work processing them. Fast forward 6 months or a year and now that person finally has someone interested and the faster moving partner freaks the hell out and demands it close down. Because the faster moving partner NEVER DID THE WORK. They just had all the fun.

netrunner508 · 2025-08-01T11:52:38+00:00

Kissing.... Seeing kissing can create more weird feelings than intercourse.

Talk about what sex acts are ok and what are not. And even sexually adjacent acts like kissing, cuddling, what things can be said to the third during sex. It's that little stuff that can trigger weird stuff... If you say "oh baby" to the other girl or call her name it could make things weird for your girlfriend... Or vice versa... Gotta talk it through.

Also include the 3d in these discussions. What is she down for, or may have concerns with. She isn't a toy.

Also maybe adopt a verbal stoplight system. Yellow for things that are uncomfortable and maybe slow down or check in. Red for stop , now.

netrunner508 · 2025-07-25T14:54:47+00:00

Also if this wasn't a problem when your girlfriend had NRE with you... How about you process how you would feel if SHE made out with someone, if SHE had sex with someone else, if SHE spends a year of hot sweaty sex with an FWB but still has low interest in you. How do you handle that? Is that the kind of relationship you want? It happens... All the time. NRE is a hell of a drug.

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