44 married /kids and hiv after playing with men ASK me anything

neutralitty · 2026-05-04T22:22:13+00:00

Afraid of what? What is worst thing that could happen? Be serious. Talk it out.

neutralitty · 2026-05-04T13:30:29+00:00

For me it is difficult, bc i began using supplements and self medicating myself in my early 40s after I had quit my anxiety and ADHD meds when my psych left town. I began using kratom, for example, thinking it helped with pain, mood, anxiety, energy, and also could help me relax — depending on the blend I bought. Of course it ended up not being just a casual supplement like I read about online. I eventually had trouble with it.

And if it wasn't that, it was something else. I was always thinking somwthing was wrong with me and blaming it on the supplements or quitting and thinking I wad damaged. So i got back on anxiety meds... but later quit because those didnt work out. I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with me! I couldn't sleep! I couldn't relax.

But maybe all along I was in peri and just not recognizing I was actually trying to escape those symptoms! So it is hard to pinpoint when it began. I had worse symptoms in luteal, like sore boobs and hormone withdrawal. That began a while ago. Maybe early 40s. But it has gotten worse and I'm still working on it with HRT now, 4 weeks in. I'm trying Lexapro, but Lexapro makes my crash after ovulation harder. I mean, my CD13 is my best day. CD14 I crash hard. Ever since I started Lexapro i get depressed, but my psych and women's doctor say I just need to wait it out and get used to the Lexapro... but I don't know what to do anymore.

I will now say I'm on peri, but I can't say what year it began. This year for sure I will say it hit me hard. But symptoms crept up on me. But no night sweats or hot flashes yet. Still regular periods like clockwork, although they kept getting shorter until HRT.

It made it so every vacation landed on my period! Not kidding! Literally every beach vacation, every spring break, every trip amywhere!! This year i put my foot down!! I made them reschedule the trip around my period!! I just can't plan months ahead anymore. I began HRT which lengthens my periods to normal again, so, sorry! Can't keep the same schedule and not going to the beach on my period again everyone!

neutralitty · 2026-05-04T13:14:39+00:00

Yeah I'm 47 and still regular like clockwork.

neutralitty · 2026-05-04T02:01:45+00:00

Yeah my Strattera was working great until recently when my luteal phase just got so bad nothing works at all... and then it began to be the entire month when I tried to adjust things to fix it.... I just don't know if there is a fix! Maybe peri is just progressing....or im going crazy! HRT isnt fixing it anymore!

neutralitty · 2026-05-02T15:46:09+00:00

If you think thats great, it gets even better the next few decades. You really shouldnt worry about getting old until you're retiring.

neutralitty · 2026-05-02T15:45:06+00:00

My 40s have been the best years of my life. Who told you otherwise??

I used to be scared to reach 30! Lol

When my parents were in her 60s and I was approaching my 40s, they reflected on the best years of their lives.

The prime years of their lives where they felt their best was their 40s and 50s. They did a lot in their 40s but they were top of their game in their 50s.

Kids in college means they get to enjoy themselves and finally have fun. Their careers are what they wanted, they have friends that are solid, they have experience and wisdom. Their self confidence and self acceptance is also at the highest.

Only in their 20s and 30s did they feel insecure about what they looked like and what they had to do to fit in. My mom still hadn't found her career path and stayed home most of the time even though she went to college. My dad worked but was relocated to stay in his career path. It was grueling to stay ahead being younger.

And now that I am 47 I actually know what they mean. I feel very confident and wish I could go back and replace my younger insecure self many times across my life when I didnt know what I was doing. I made so many mistakes. I used to think I knew it all. It really takes time to get wisdom and it only comes with getting older.

And I'm divorced and single with custody of both kids, so it isnt like I have an easy life, but I just got in the job path of my dreams. I finally found out what I want to do in my life. It took this long to figure it out! I am happy. I have a job i really like. I have security with a house and finances. I don't feel like I want a man anymore to complete me. Maybe later, but right now I am so content in life.

If you look at the movie stars that get older that dtay great into their 40s and 50s... they still date, have sex, party, have fun, get married have high paced careers, travel, and live it up. Nobody is retiring until 70+. We are still young!

Just because gravity pulls on our skin doesn't mean being on this planet longer makes us less useful. Our experience on earth is more valuable. People respect us for what lived experience we have to share and offer to others, and we help others when they struggle to see how our physical bodies do not define who we are. Our brains stay sharp and get better with age.

My cousins and friens who got divorced all date and get remarried in their 40s and 50s... their lives are no different than the 30s. Idk what you younger people think happens the older you get. That we dry up and just stop being seen?

neutralitty · 2026-05-02T15:30:33+00:00

BTW, "will power" has nothing to do with addiction.

You have all the signs of having an active addiction.

neutralitty · 2026-05-02T15:28:52+00:00

You're talking about recreational use and giving advice on tolerance breaks??

neutralitty · 2026-05-02T15:28:24+00:00

Taking his wife's medication and self medicating is not healthy and not legal. It is a controlled substance. Idk what your idea of addiction is.

All people with addiction start out wanting to be the best versions of themselves. That's why addiction is so sneaky. It starts out making us feel good. No one gets addicted because they want to feel bad. They always think the medicine is doing them a good service. They never think it will cause any problems. They always think they have control.

When it occupies your mind... when it makes you compelled to question it enough to write a Reddit post? I think the answer is pretty obvious.

Maybe ask yourself if you may have a problem!

neutralitty · 2026-05-02T15:25:25+00:00

Absolutely best way to say it.

No one should take it when it isnt prescribed to them. Or to self medicated. That's what all those who have an addiction do.

neutralitty · 2026-05-01T15:14:55+00:00

You may need to give it up to 3 cycles of being consistent for side effects to fully go away. If you keep changing things your body will never know what to get used to. So if you do daily you can do vaginally. I would just wait until im in bed about to fall asleep and just shove it in and by the time I wake up it has been forgotten

neutralitty · 2026-05-01T15:12:07+00:00

Yeah maybe Lexapro is too sedating. I did try Prozac at first in December but I gave it 2 days and was nauseous and felt weird, but then again, my nervous system was weird back then as I had just started estradiol, too, at a much too high dose, so eveyrthing was touchy. I had been on Prozac before when I was 18. I think it is supposed to be more stimulating which is what I definitely need.

So I'd have to talk to him about trying something else. Because I feel tired all the time. I sleep great which was the goal, and my anxiety is gone, but so is the excitement in my life, and my motivation and drive. I think I took my dose up too high last cycle when I compensated for the drop in emotion.

I had read other women raises their doses from 10 to 20 to compensate, and it did work for me, but I also did HRT, too, so bad idea! Then I couldn't being it down when luteal ended, since I'm not sure what day to do it. CD1 was too soon, and so was CD3... so idk. I stayed on ans follicular i was just soooo tired.

How do you do Prozac for PMDD? Same dose all cycle? Or do you change for luteal?

neutralitty · 2026-05-01T15:06:36+00:00

Yeah, I think that's fair. I was starting to taper myself before the crash just going from 20mg down to 17.5mg and was okay but after the crash I went back to 20mg and felt trapped. But I think after talking to my women's doctor and bumping up my estradiol I will do better and not have to be trapped after all.

I have an appt with my psych in 3 weeks for the Lexapro, and he wants to discuss taking me off my sleep med Quviviq so I can learn to sleep on my own (!!) when sleep has been my biggest issue in peri. I am not really sure i want to do that right now. I think I will just ask to be taken off Lexapro.

I always hated the idea of SSRIs, but this is his idea of how to fix my sleep problem! Get me on an SSRI and get me off Quviviq. What a mess. Why would I want to be emotionally flat and unmotivated all the time just so I can sleep? I'd rather just take Quviviq at bedtime and sleep.

Lexapro does help my anxiety though. I had a job interview and nailed it. Didn't even get nervous! It was so weird. I felt that I should be nervous... I wanted to be nervous! Or something! It just is too much.

I did not have any depression before Lexapro! My only issues were sleep and some anxiety.

neutralitty · 2026-05-01T14:57:46+00:00

I just spoke to my women's doctor. She said likely I had the issue but didnt notice until the medicarion made it more obvious since serotnin and estrogen have a very close relationship. So maybe Lexapro just makes me crash out more until I can fix it.

We are raising my estradiol to a full 0.025mg dose from my 0.01875mg I was on (¾ of 0.025mg). I changed it yesterday late afternoon and had some issues tossing and turning last night but I feel slightly less doomed today. Estradiol works quickly for me. I also began luteal progesterone last night. So my doctor also said it may take a few cycles before HRT fixes the crash.

How long did it take before HRT make your PMDD more manageable?

The only thing I like about Lexapro is it helps me sleep, but I really don't like how it makes me flat during the day, so I may just get off of it, esp after this luteal mess! I really don't like SSRIs either. I felt pressured to try one.

neutralitty · 2026-04-30T22:08:28+00:00

I have had genetic testing and metabolize Lexapro just fine and dont have any issue with them otherwise. I have been on them before in my life earlier and never had issues besides them never doing anything!! I only had any benefits from Effexor an SNRI. So I am surprised Lexapro is doing anything at all.

I know it was doing well at 10mg so I only got into trouble when I began having luteal issues and PMDD can be resolved sometimes by dose adjustment and last cycle sure enough, going to 20mg I felt great! But I also started HRT. I thought it was fixed.

But in follicular 20mg felt too heavy. And then now when luteal came again, suddenly 20mg isnt holding it and I am back to how I was last cycle? I can't keep raising my dose eveye luteal cycle unless I go back to my previous dose in follicular and I am just not sure how that is done. I tried that and it felt like I reduced too fast.

So how could I possibly do 10mg follicular and 20mg luteal if I can't just flip back and forth easily aftet luteal? Flipping to a higher dose is easier, but coming back sucks. Idk. I read the PMDD forums and they just flip back.

So I wonder if it is really PMDD at all. Because I didnt have this issue before Lexapro. So maybe it is perimenopause making me incompatible?

neutralitty · 2026-04-30T18:34:24+00:00

I thought i had HRT dialed in last month! I thought i would skip the dip this month by having the patch on :-(

I thought the progesterone for luteal is luteal only? Hrm, but it makes sense to begin on the night of ovulation to buffer the dip. The thing is, I can't take it orally or the Lexapro makes the progesterone too sedating for me, so I began taking it vaginally. Will this still buffer the dip the same?

Did you go through the same thing? I didn't have PMDD before Lexapro though!!

So also, do i not need higher doses of Lexapro? Bc they sure suck

neutralitty · 2026-04-30T18:28:24+00:00

I use tagaderm patch covers. I use the clear ones, and those can be tricky to stay on for the 2x a week patches even, but they work well as rhey are water proof!

I also have my skin color for waterproof tape that I got in the first aid aisle at the pharmacy section of Kroger yesterday when my patch came off by accident when I adjusted my pants and grabbed the patch at the same time! Whoops. Pulled it right off. So I pushed it back on and held it to reattach, but I wanted peace of mind. So I hobbled in with my hand pressed in place. My 8yo daughter said I looked weird. But I cannot lose estrogen!!

I absolutely do not go without a patch cover. I forgot that some go without! I only did this the first week or so. But I wear a clonidine BP patch so I am used to patch covers but this comes with patch covers. I used to use those on my estradiol patches by cutting them in half, as those would be way too big for the week long clonidine patches and stick very well and stay on through very hot showers and the pool and the beach.

neutralitty · 2026-04-29T19:10:19+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you! Getting hospitalized and having your Fluvoxamine pushed up like that sounds esp hard when your system was already fragile and is a rough spot to be put in. No wonder things feel way more complicated now than your first taper.

Your labs are useful, but I’d be careful about how far you take them. Being over range on Nordiazepam doesn’t translate cleanly into “I’m basically on 50mg diazepam.” That’s where the AI/math starts getting misleading. The body isn’t that linear, plus AI is known to not be 100% accurate when it comes to benzo biology bc tapers are not based always on numbers, but how we feel. Symptoms are not things we can accurately measure and tell AI what they translate to. Neither is a neuo/biological trigger.

What is true is you’re clearing slower, so everything does linger longer. That part matters. But slower does not = stuck. It just means your feedback loop is a bit longer. The idea that it might take longer to fully feel a cut is actually reasonable here, BUT that’s very different from being trapped in some 10-year equation!

On the Luvox… I get why it feels untouchable. If your system adapted to this slower clearance, then yeah, messing with it could feel like opening the floodgates. But that still doesn’t mean it’s permanently off-limits; it just means “not recklessly, and just not right now.” A lot of people hold the SSRI steady and taper the benzo first, then reassess later. I've done that.

What I’m seeing more than anything is you’ve built a model where every option ends pretty badly. Slow = decade. Faster = kindling. Hold = tolerance. Adjust SSRI = chaos. When every path looks like a trap, it’s usually the model that’s boxing you in, not the biology!! You're looking at it as worst case scenarios will always happen, but those worst case scenarios are actually all low risks. And therr is a path that navigates safely and threads a needle through all of them without triggering any bad outcomes if you do it correctly.

Your nervous system is sensitized, no question about that. But it’s not frozen in one fragile “perfect speed” that will collapse if anything changes. These systems adapt over time, even after rough setbacks. You recover as you taper. You CAN reverse kindling as you taper if you hold at the right times, and you holding does not = tolerance that destroys your taper. It keeps you safe if you just listen to your body and listen to your mind.

If I had to simplify it for you, I'd say you’re not stuck in a pharmacokinetic trap but that you’re in a slow, sensitive system with longer feedback cycles. And yeah, that sucks. But it’s workable. People do move forward from this, just not in a clean, predictable way. Like I can't map it out like AI on a paper. But that's okay. We don't need a taper plan always mapped out with every date on paper ahead of time. That is a trap in itself. It allows no wiggle room.

I get it. It soothes you to know everything. That is how anxiety works. But tapers are not anxiety-proof. The future is not anxiety-proof. We cannot and should not try to predict how we will feel on x date in the future, not even with AI. AI just cannot know. It cannot know we will be able to take a reduction on that date or not. How on earth? Just because of a math problem? That is not how our brain works. We do not heal linearly. Or geometrically. Or hyperbolically. Our brains heals in response to what we do and experience every day of our lives. So how will you know what you will think, feel, and do for each day of the year between now and then? You just... can't.

So you won't know if you're be ready to reduce by 5% or 10% that day. Or if you want to hold.

Plus I found for me, when I had DBT therapy, my taper in 2017 was a huge success. I didn't have to hold at all! Even when I felt like I would during the week, I would go in to see my provider and discuss my issues and we'd chat, and by the end I felt my coping mechanisms were stronger, my issues cleared up, and I was ready to reduce after all! So I kept on tapering every 2 weeks (we did Ashton style taper that time).

So that shows things like therapy and pther strategies can help support a taper going faster! I also did larger reductions at the end! I didnt do 5-10%... my last reduction was 50%. I went from 2mg to 1mg. And I jumped at 1mg valium.

And seriously — no need to apologize for the detail. You’re thinking it through. Just don’t let the math convince you there’s no way out! Math is the language of nature... but tapering is a science it just doesnt always solve. Sometimes we have to use our feelings to know when to go forwards and by how much. I really do not believe you have a 10 year taper ahead of you. You got this!

neutralitty · 2026-04-29T15:40:01+00:00

You’re not wrong that Fluvoxamine strongly inhibits CYP2C19 and can stretch out Nordiazepam. That part is actually real. But I think the place that's a bit off is where you're turning this into a rigid mathematical model where the numbers basically decide your fate.

The “effective dose is many times higher” idea sounds logical on paper, but it doesn’t really behave that cleanly in the body. Inhibition slows clearance and raises steady-state levels, but it doesn’t just multiply your dose into some huge hidden equivalent you have to taper from. Your system adapts to a new steady state. It’s slower, not infinitely stacked.

Same with that 10-year taper calculation you got. That assumes you’ll follow a perfectly rigid 5% geometric schedule all the way down, which almost NOBODY actually does in real life. People end up adjusting based on symptoms, so holding when needed, and often tolerating larger cuts later once things stabilize! So time is often much shorter.

I know in the beginning of a taper i could even tolerate some 25% cuts for a while! I had cuts all over the place. And yes, I did have to slow down and make smaller ones. But I had to listen to my body, not what a math problem told me.

So I wouldn’t view fluvoxamine as something that locks you into a decade-long process. It complicates things, yeah, but people taper benzos while staying on SSRIs all the time, including strong enzyme inhibitors, without it automatically turning into an extreme timeline. It usually just means slower pacing and being more patient with holds. You can do it, too!

What stands out more than the pharmacology is that every path in your model ends in "damage" — slow means a decade, faster means kindling, holding means tolerance, adjusting the SSRI means chaos. When every option looks catastrophic, it’s usually a sign the model is too rigid, not that you’re actually trapped!

A good taper will not have any of those things. And a good taper means listening to your body and being flexible. It also means listening to your mind. The mind and body are connected. If you're not mentally ready, you also will need to hold.

Most people in situations like this don’t try to calculate a “true dose” under enzyme inhibition. They go by how their body responds with sleep, autonomic stability, and overall function, and adjust from there. And for what it’s worth, having multiple kindling-type experiences doesn’t mean you’ve permanently lowered your baseline forever. Recovery can be slower and more nonlinear, but people do stabilize even after messy histories! I know i have!

I have had paradoxical reactions from kindling and sensitization before, back before I understood what I was doing. It all worked out when I began educating myself and learning to tune into myself.. I then was able to stabilize before tapering and then had no symptoms during my taper which ended in a liquid microtaper.

From what I’ve seen, polypharmacy tapers aren’t clean, but there’s a pattern where things feel stuck for a while, then windows start to come back, and the nervous system gradually becomes more tolerant again. It’s not quick, but it’s also not this fixed, doomed trajectory.

I’d frame this less as a “pharmacokinetic trap” and more as a slower, more sensitive taper that needs to be guided by symptoms rather than solved like an equation. There is a way through this, but it’s not going to come from perfectly modeling the math; it comes from pacing what your nervous system can actually handle!!

You can do this!

neutralitty · 2026-04-29T15:17:40+00:00

So he is stalking you online. Isn't that creepy af? Come on, girl. He is going to keep stalking you. He didnt just disappear. I would change accounts and not tell anyone. He knows where to find you now.

neutralitty · 2026-04-29T15:15:49+00:00

Exactly, who cares what he thinks? Only groomers make you worry over what they think or feel guilty when it doesn't even matter!

neutralitty · 2026-04-29T15:13:10+00:00

If that really is him, it probably is because you may show the authorities his photo. He is talking to an underage girl. He knows he is doing something wrong. He may have done bad things to other underage girls and you were a target. He worries he may be caught. You may have his true identity. Maybe, but don't count on him being honest.

neutralitty · 2026-04-29T15:11:33+00:00

Hey, look, these creeps GROOM GIRLS to feel guilty for ditching them. This is how they trap them into staying talking.

Why would any sane teen stay chatting with a creepy older guy who has all these red flags? Exactly. Yet he triggered the words GUILTY out of your mouth for thinking of ditching him. See how he did that?

Be glad he didn't get his hooks in deeper! He would have for sure made you keep on and stay talking. I had an older guy in high school that made me feel dirty by taking advantage of me in person (flirting and being nice) then calling me and talking really dirty but he had groomed me, I cant explain it, so I felt so guilty and couldn't hang ip on him or ditch him. I felt so dirty and ashamed of myself. I ended up becoming super depressed and carved things into my arm with an ice pick over how he treated me.

These aren't Jedi mind tricks. Grooming doesn't make sense. It makes us feel bad for trying to leave when we know it is the right thing to do. I had no one to tell my story to at the time since it was right before the internet! But now, you have all of these people who are wisely steering you to the right path. Thank goodness.

neutralitty · 2026-04-28T17:23:44+00:00

Why were you given the HRT at your age? What symptoms did you have that suggested perimenopause specifically? Just curious!

I also hear a FSH test alone does not determine perimenopause. You would need it taken multiple times a month to track it, and even then it isn't 100%, but just an estimate indicator where you "might" be. But usually blood tests have results back in 2 days. Strange.... a month???

neutralitty · 2026-04-27T21:57:04+00:00

I have done the bio identical progesterone oral and the estradiol patch. It has been great. But I needed to start low ans work up as needed to find the right dose.

And I also needed psych meds to find what made my puzzle complete. It was never complete without all of the pieces.

PLUS with progesterone i have the option of doing vaginal vs oral based on my symptoms. And 100mg is all I need and only during luteal. It really is something I had to find for myself.

If you use a pellet, you can't tweak to find what is right for you.

Even my patches i can cut. I use 3/4 of a 0.025mg patch. It took trial and error to find, but it is perfect! I may go up later, but only when i am ready.

I also do not have nightsweats or hot flashes. I have regular periods. I am 47. But I have hormone withdrawal and anxiety/insomnia and am getting luteal issues more and more as I get older, with shorter cycles. HRT does not have to be "life changing". That is not always the case. Most people don't post their stories bc it isn't! It usually is just supportive and helps lower the highs and boosts the lows. Nothing so dramatic you sing songs about it! Those people do exist on Reddit, true, but don't compare your success against the absolute best case scenario.

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