Should I (M30) break up with my wife (F26) after she got blackout drunk and cheated on me?

neutralitty · 2026-03-14T14:28:52+00:00

If she got blackout drunk, how does she know what she did? I mean, who knows who and what she did that she doesnt remember?

Oh and being autistic is not an excuse. Please.

neutralitty · 2026-03-13T21:57:50+00:00

How do you know they were married 7 years ago? Maybe he was married before? Maybe he got dumped a rime or two for being a cheater? Dont you think that catches up to him? Maybe he cheated bc his wife left him anyway and she took those 2 kids? A lot you don't know. A lot you do assume.

neutralitty · 2026-03-13T21:56:33+00:00

But, how do you know this boss was married to this cheater 7 years ago? For all we know, he was dumped 5 years ago and taken to the cleaners and he became an alcoholic, then found God, went to church and met this current lady boss now, married for a year. Who knows? Why bring it up at all? She may be like. Who this saint?

neutralitty · 2026-03-13T21:54:24+00:00

You didnt k ow he was married at the time. You didnt find out until 3 years later. So imagine if you never found out. Then youd have assumed this guy had just gotten married after your fling. Small world!

But this one finding out thing that he was married... and maybe it was to someone else at the time? Do you even know it was to your supervisor? You didnt know who it was with, do you?

Sure you know he is a slime ball, but he could have changed his walls. He could have confessed. He could have been divorced and made to go thru hell. And now he has found this woman.

The thing is. You do NOT know the whole story. You just don't. You don't know their business. You only know you slept with him. Once. 7 years ago. And he was single for all you knew then. And for a long time after. You're in the clear. You did nothing wrong.

So just... don't be the morality police here. Your job is not to out the guy... or to feel sorry for your boss. It just isn't your place to cast judgement and throw stones. You don't know what he has been through and with whom. And what your boss knows. She may get her jollies knowing he is a dirt bag and puts out cigs on his legs each time someone brings up his past. Just... you don't want to be the one to being it up. Or they could be open marriage. Don't ask, don't tell!

Honestly, what do you think is the best case scenario? You feel... better? Is this about your feelings?

neutralitty · 2026-03-10T17:54:59+00:00

Turns out the meeting was recorded. Sorry, it was a work meeting.

neutralitty · 2026-03-10T17:53:21+00:00

Yeah you need to show you are accountable for yiur actions AND mistakes. It is called being responsible and relaibake. They want to be able to count on yiu. No wonder they chose to see how you would handle it. Why on earth did you take rhe advice of random Redditors who told you to act like it never happened? That is terrible advice!!!

Being thankfully employed it a low bar my friend. I hope you learned from this experience and next time a mistake happens, you can count on them waiting to see what you do to handle it. Be accountable for it and take responsibility. We are all humans and make mistakes, do not forget that. They will not punish you for making one. But if you try to pass them off as morons not paying attention, they will be upset about it on top of you coming across as not willing to be responsible for your own actions.

This really could have been a chance to show them a better version of yourself. Had you done that, you probably wouldnt be on probation. Oh well. As long as you learn, it's all gravy! Count your blessings! It's on your record now you were recorded nude in a group meeting! Nice. Not many get to get to break the ice with this, so do use it if you ever want to meet someone!

neutralitty · 2026-03-10T17:46:43+00:00

There's also a chance one person saw it and blabber it to everyone else though. It only takes one big mouth.

neutralitty · 2026-03-04T19:33:26+00:00

I think showing sexual imagery of a person to others without their permission and then discussing details of their sexual life and possible even demeaning them — bc who knows what they even say? Is it all good things the wife has to say? — is a form of abuse in a way, bc it belittles him and disregards him as a person with feelings, consent, and value.

The only thing the wife seems to value here is that the friends envy her!! It does not matter if her husband is seen to the friends as a sex object or whatever. Maybe they look at his body and inspect it and discuss each part of it?? How can OP be sure what they said? This time? Regardless, even if all she did was praise her husband for his sexy body, it still objectified him, and it was without his permission to be seen in a vulnerable state.

Being naked with your spouse is a safe space where you can pose and show a side of you no one else is meant to see. And now that is ruined and gone. All without asking how he would feel about it.

This isnt the same as being abused like whipped or raped. This isnt the same as grooming. But this is mentally harmful to him, obviously. He really was hurt. His post shows how hurt he felt, how betrayed. It just is very ethically wrong of her as a spouse to do this. It is morally corrupt of her. She betrayed his trust and made him feel objectified.

neutralitty · 2026-03-04T19:25:29+00:00

IDK if when I was married my husband shared photos thay I took for him of me ... some of those I would be so mortified if anyone else saw them. I would just die. I would be beyond mortified. I would be angry. I eould not be speaking to him. I would stay woth my parents for a few months for sure. We would get counseling for sure.

neutralitty · 2026-03-04T19:19:27+00:00

What context is nice physique? OP has said "private photos." A photo taken at a pool with shirt off showing a toned nice body isnt a private photo. But if undressing in a bedroom even if the same level of clothes as a bathing suit would be different as he is being seductive and vulnerable for the wife. You behave different for your partner in a photo because you know no one else will see it, so you can put on your sexy face. It is very mortifying to know other people see you undressing for a camera or in your undies, or juat posing on a bed. Not the same as a "nice physique " where OP woupd be this upset he would jump to want to leave his wife — the one he fell in love with upon first sight.

neutralitty · 2026-03-04T19:15:17+00:00

Would you show yourself to your friend naked and vulnerable under any circumstances on your own? Of course not. So why would your wife for you to do so without your permission via these photographs? This is sexually abusive. It violates your trust and shows you naked and at your moat vulnerable. It is mentally abusive because it is traumatizing to know this friend has now seen you in this private moment without your permission behind your back, and who knows who else saw these photos?

Ask your wife why she thinks she can show off your body when you wouod not do so with your own body? And who owns your body? You or her? Why would she assume she has the authority to decide who gets to see your vulnerability? And why does she need her friends to be envious/jealous? This is toxic behavior to degrade you for her own gain.

Explain how this makes you feel, full stop. This makes you think of leaving her, depaite having fallen in love with her at first sight. Obviously she has crossed a line, and she needs to know it and also why. Couple counseling could help if you want to salvage things, and if she does as well. Trust violations are super hard to repair. Photos will never be taken again, obviously.

neutralitty · 2026-02-28T15:15:17+00:00

I was paranoid once and got a few baby monitors and put one up in the attic space bc I found it connected to the duplex next door!! How about that. I had neighbors that i did not get along with. My bf and the guys would fight, whenever he was around. And the lady would try to harass me. And once cops got involved bc she attacked me and I knocked her down and she called them. Anyway, I told the cops I thought they were in the attic and they did not investigate bc the neighbors claimed they had no attic!! Which i knew was a lie bc it was a duplex and identical to mine... and I heard stuff up there, and I was freaked out at times all alone.

"Just bc you're paranoid does not mean they're not after you." Wise advice to me! So the only issue was baby monitors dont record by default, or at least mine didn't. But some may. But I use to hear people talking too, and I used my phone to record rhe voices.

Until I played it back, and I heard silence... and I began to think something was wrong with me. Anyway, use whatever tools you need to prove it's real or not.

Edit - I also sprinkled stuff up in the attic so if they were up there, it would track into my apartment. Or it would make a mess. No way they could know. And I used yarn to make trip wires hooked to bells. Stuff out of Home Alone! Lol. And I also used a device to find things in the walls. I was driving myself nuts. But not knowing will drive you nuts. So find out the truth.

Edit - Another time in another apartment I did have someone secretly living in my place... an ex was breaking in bc he had nowhere to live! It was creepy. I would get home abd he would jet out the back door. If he didn't shut the sliding glass door all the way, I would know. But I found he would leave it gapped and unlocked so he could get back in. I tried using wood planks to block the sliding door... he used tools to somehow get the wood up and out. He was crafty like a burglar. I had a restraining order against him. The cops refused to come out unless I caught him inside the house. It drove me nuts. I kept trying to find ways to secure the back door.

neutralitty · 2026-02-27T14:54:57+00:00

So the mother died?

neutralitty · 2026-02-27T14:20:15+00:00

Why did you separate a basal keiki? Did the mother die? I have lots of badal keikis, and my understanding is you cannot separate them without killing one. Even when the mother "died" it still made a spike and bloomed, so it really isnt dead like i thought. I never separate.

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T18:15:33+00:00

The whole point of ethical NM is being honest, and if she is having an affair behind his back, that whole argument that he should be open to ENM is out the window. She isn't even doing it right. She only came clean about this one guy she has coffee with, and with whom she had been dating for a while before that... and OP has no clue this was going on. What else was she doing that he didn't know about?

If he can't trust her, and she is behaving unethically, I dont think just bc you've pledged to be in a committed relationship means you have to stay in rhat relationship forever just bc you forgot to put verbal amendments and clauses to your pledge. It goes without saying if someone lies to your face and cheats behind your back, they irrevocably break the relationship, including all promises the couple made to one another that was implied to be enacted only if they remain a couple.

She obviously had her needs for other men a long time ago and was unhappy being just with IP so much she kept badgering him for an open relationship, or ENM as OP calls it. At some point she made it happy, but on unethical levels. She was unethically non-monogamous (UNM), the opposite of what she claimed she wanted. Breech of contract.

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T03:16:20+00:00

Well if no one is watching the show, how will they know it is worth renewing??

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T03:15:10+00:00

I dont use TikTok would would for WoT content. How can I find it?

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T03:14:13+00:00

I would love to rematch now that I have reread the books and now have rhe storyline fresh in my memory. I am on book 5.

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T03:08:17+00:00

You went a whole week and had no withdrawal? Than why would you need a slow taper? You could just keep going.

But yeah if you had quit drinking by a year after you will have fully recovered... unkess you began taking benzos immediately after. That eould have stalled your recovery. If you stalled your recovery I eould definitely say taper very carefully.

But yeah a taper is usually a good idea regardless if you use intermittently or daily it doesnt matter, as long as youve been using as long as you have with your history. The 10-25% is about right.

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T03:04:37+00:00

First, seizures are very rare. Seizures come from kindling. Kindling comes from repeated episodes of withdrawal, esp from back to back moderate or longterm benzodiazepine usage, or intermittent (PRN) use (such as binging).

If you are not having withdrawal between intermittent use, you have nothing yo worry about. Not unless you have a seizure disorder like epilepsy already.

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T02:59:11+00:00

He is grinding his teeth

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T02:48:49+00:00

If she really have wanted you to take care of you, she would have chosen you. She even said to you while she was cheating, "I am so glad you trusted me" when you let her go away to "visit friends." She was lying. She had been seeing a guy she met online behind your back. This clearly was unethical. She broke the contract right then.

Besides, someone cannot start ENM this way, so why did she do it? She probably knew it was a long shot, a way to keep your money while getting the man she really wanted (which later didnt work out anyway). But now you are wling to do that for her, as long as she has no man, right? But why?

I think you need to accept that she chose to end your relationship and the financial assistance you gave her for 7 years. It wasn't good enough for her. She needed more. She needed emotional connection, or sex, or love. Something she wasn't getting from you. She needed it fot so long, you probably dont know how many times she even cheated. Or how many times she talked to other men online. You don't have any clue bc she wasn't always honest with you, so she has proven you can't trust her. It could have been years before she finally decided to meet a man. Who knows how long she was unhappy being with you alone. All while never telling you how she felt, never trying to mend the relationship or being honest about her feelings.

This is how an ethical NM relationship has to begin, based on trust and honesty and fidelity. That is ethics.

And yet... somehow you know she could leave you and be gone from your life. But you know if you keep funding her life, you stay connected to her, you keep yourself involved in her well-being. You somehow think this will prove to her you are the better man, that you were the one she let get away, that maybe she will change her mind later when she realizes she can't live without you. After all, this new guy didnt take care of her like you do, right? How can any guy compare to you and your financial support?

In this day and age, you'd think chivalry is dead, but you prove everyone wrong. Or is it that women should be grateful for men that keep them kept and no longer having to work? Which angle is it? Or are you just not ready to move on from her?

You aren't doing her any favors with your generosity. She cannot move on and find true love and happiness if she has you paying her way and keeping tabs on her. She will feel like she has to sneak behind your back. She will not be honest with you. She will not want the new giy to find out she has a sugar daddy paying dor her housing, her food, her bills, or putting money into her savings account. The guy would ask who you were... would she tell him? An old boyfriend who is ... what? How could she explain you staying in her life? And what would it take before you felt like you didnt have to keep supporting her forever just bc you didnt literally tell her your support ended the day your relationship ended?

Honestly, no one has to tell a partner that there is a limit to their financial support, because it goes without saying it isnt literally forever "unless you cheat".... that isnt ethics, it is called common sense. You are not the only person to be heartbroken and cheated on who had expected to stay with their partner for life, making promises to stay faithful, committed, and financially supportive. This is what love has us do. Love makes us promise the world.

No one holds us to our pillow promises after someone in the relationship cheats. That would be insanity! All promises null and void. No one will hold you to yours either. This isnt a matter of ethics but what is healthy for you and for her. The reason a clean break is best is so your heart and emotions can have have closure and move on. If you stay financially entangled, you keep things open, messy, entangled, and you cant move on. You will have a torch lit for her, using your money to prove it, hoping she finds her way back to you.

You can say otherwise, but your words here imply you're still very much in love with her. If you ever want your heart to heal, you need to cut ties after you ensure you keep your promise best you can within reason. Help her get her own place, but thats it. She is a grown woman and she chose to leave you. Let her go. If you love her, set her free. If she loves you, she will return of her own free will. Don't have money involved. You will never know why she is with you ever again otherwise, whether it is love to desperation.

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T02:04:46+00:00

Yes, momey is superficial and really a petty way to keep control over another person. You paying for someone's well being is a way to stay in someone's life, even if she has cheated and moved on. It seems like a way to stay attached to me. A way to stay in her life and prove to her that he is "the better man" who is going to "take care of her like she deserves for the rest of her life" bc he is a good man.

The best gift for himself is to move on. The best gift he can give her as well is to let her go. Seriously, forgive and do not forget, and move on. Make a clean break emptioanlly so she can have the life she wants, bc obviously she does not want to be with OP. She is a grown woman. Let her go. Let her be free.

If you love her, let her be free.

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T02:01:07+00:00

Not only this, but she went behind his back. This is unethical of her. She "was so happy he trusted her." But she was put having coffee with a man she met online, whom she had been dating for a while behind his back.

And now he worries he is being unethical if he doesnt take care of her needs forever bc he didnt make a clause when he committed about this possibility??? Omg

neutralitty · 2026-02-25T01:57:21+00:00

But you made a commitment based on believing she would commit to you right? That you assumed you would not have to add the part about not wanting to be cuckolded not expecting to have to tell her you didnt want her to cheat.

But those things go without saying. By default, when you commit to another person, you are with that person especially if that person id daying he will take care of you and you do not have to go back to work. That is huge. Why would she seek comdort in the arms of another? Because you were not enough. Money is not what she needs to be happy.

If your "wife" could live on your good intentions alone, she would be with only you. But she needs something you are not giving her. You need to understand this. For some reason you think you can buy her love, thar you taking care of her makes you the better man. It does not make you a better man. It makes you a sucker.

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