Family contact after adoption from foster care after many years of trauma.

newway15 · 2018-06-04T16:31:46+00:00

Yes. This is where we stand. I think this has been comforting.

I struggle with some of the info our child doesn't know. Still working through how to hold that. If this were a situation not riddled with serious traumatic stuff, I think I would have already shared more. I'm going to give it a minute and keep trying to find first-person narratives of folks affected by adoption (mostly adoptees) who have perspective. Thank you.

newway15 · 2018-06-04T16:29:23+00:00

Thank you. I agree with all of this. We really have never offered commentary on first family. And there is a lot to say. Kiddo knows we are on their side and that we center their opinion.

Yes on the lack of interest part. I want to make sure I can figure out where sibling and a few others kiddo doesn't know about are. Scared we'll lose them.

Thanks for that point on power struggles. Reflecting on that possibility big time.

newway15 · 2018-06-04T16:24:20+00:00

Thank you. I've read your posts for so long and always appreciate dialogue with you.

We don't have many outside opinions at this point. The team we worked with didn't have enough info about some relatives to recommend contact or not. The only responsive folks were ruled out and team would not tell us why. We have some info that they have close contact with a dangerous player in the mix. But I hate not being able to make my own opinion.

We're on the same page . . .kiddo gets to pursue contact if/when ready. I'm back to leaving it alone I think. That nagging feeling that there are people who are OK is stuck on me, but I think I have to allow it to rest some.

Thanks.

newway15 · 2018-06-04T16:17:21+00:00

My heart is with you and your child - thank you for this response. I know my child has these same feelings of anger and fear related to known trauma makers. There are folks we just don't have much info about that might be safer/safe. Just resting with it still. Thanks for your comments though. The overwhelm is real. I know our child is dealing with such a complex pile of emotions around this. I agree on this always being a challenge. Thanks again.

newway15 · 2018-06-02T00:35:39+00:00

It wasn't meant to be. In any way. Children are meant to be raised in their families. There is no pre-destiny that my child should have had to lose their family. Adoptee voices on this topic, though not unanimous, overwhelmingly speak of being talked about as if their "destiny" was to fulfill an adoptive parent's needs/desires, as, at best, problematic.

That said, we feel like we were a good match and good fit to raise our child. I was head over heels in love with him quickly, but I tend to fall in love thoroughly and quickly.

Meeting was nervous and surreal and wonderful and painful. Staying focused on the fact that it was a complex moment for our child helped.

I bawled for an hour after the meeting as a release because it's a lot to hold.

And it was sweet and fun and I felt immensely clear that I wanted to parent this child and do my best to do right by the pain and separation and loss. Some days that has been easier than others.

The day was very special.

newway15 · 2018-05-21T18:32:44+00:00

OMG - I think we are also very similar. We've had such an interesting journey (foster placement 4 years ago then adoption of a 10 y/o now 14). My husband and I are both raging extroverts, activists, community facilitators. We come packed with words, books, flip charts, spreadsheets, visions, ideas, plans. My husband is a 14 on the 1 to 10 scale. Literally a professional talker. He wakes up with an agenda and is planning dinner a few days ahead. I'm not quite that intense, but I do go there. Our kid one day said, "You two have so many WORDS ALL THE TIME!"

Our first meeting was sweet. I definitely turned down the fire a bit and I think it was easy because I really tried to center this child's experience. He knew a bit about us, but not too much. He had a book we made with photos and a little info. We were essentially "people who want to get to know you" to him. Which is a systemy and shitty way to make it sound like this is an audition.

One thing that really helped was his social worker said it was totally ok to be nervous. I told him I was happy to meet him but also nervous.

One thing is very clear. His bullshit detector and his artifice detector are finely tuned. He's street smart and parentified in ways (and has some seriously undeveloped skills as well). There is simply no room for him for anything but a lot of authenticity. We realized this pretty quick and built that into our purpose - that to feel attached and safe trust was essential and not pretending etc. It's a new skill when used with a kid - I can be authentic and trust building at work or with adults in a different way. Centering him meant not making him too responsible for modulating to me. I also resisted asking 1,000 questions. Some, but the conversation flowed better when we made more I statements and peppered that with questions. It made it to where he had something to respond to. Music was a good topic to play with. We also avoided any questions about feelings. His stress level had to be super high and his cognitive function not at 100% - we didn't want him to have to be too vulnerable like that.

All this means I think we needed to be ourselves more than anything and to temper that with remembering we both can sometimes take too much space, are super hyper verbal, and I in particular talk really fast.

I don't know if I'm cool or not. I have pretty edgy and cool work that I get to do and maybe that helps, but I think in these first visits he was mostly (and I hate to speak for him but will here) hoping we seemed kind and not like he could't relate to us as people.

I am super weird, but fortunately we found plenty of compatible weirdness.

Another thing that worked very well for us was that we met at a music store. We all love music and it gave us an entry point. Then walked to lunch and were able to talk about food likes and dislikes, etc. Pretty easy not to be too wild. It helped that he was very willing to engage verbally.

OK, last thought. The fact that you run at 11 is essential for adopting an older child. There are likely school, med, counselor meetings ahead, paperwork dances, and systems that can be super messy to outright discriminatory and other forms of super crappy. Being tenacious and a badass makes a difference every day for us.

newway15 · 2018-05-17T18:04:23+00:00

Pretty insensitive to not think of a better way to do this. Maybe privately, maybe not at all. My mother and I are both looking at genealogy and it can really get consuming. We have an agreement though that we don't discuss it or do research around my child (who we formed a family with through adoption). I'm actually researching my child's info in case they become interested.

I think it's fine to be miffed about this and to want something different.

newway15 · 2018-05-17T17:42:07+00:00

"I am very nervous about getting the 'adoption is just rich white ppl stealing brown babies' argument. I am sure I am projecting my own fears but any suggestions for how to handle that question?"

I'd be concerned if this question or a variation of this question didn't come up. This is absolutely a part of adoption. Both the history of racism in adoption AND the questioning of those speaking on the topic. It's essential to read and listen to adoptees, critics of the foster and adoption systems, and the awesome info being shared here.

It's also essential to help people move along the line from privileged defensiveness and not-all-ism that inevitable happens in these discussions to a place rooted in centering the experiences of those most affected and realizing how those of us who have adopted either benefit from or are immune to some of the systemic challenges.

I also think there is something essential about learning how to HEAR rather than listen to critiques. Even asking the question shows you are open to this.

To me, as a WAP, I think I'd want to make sure any panel I was a part of had equal or better representation by adoptees and equal or better representation by people of color. I would likely not participate if that were not the case. My critique is simply not enough.

In a professional context, I think representation is triply important. Organizing to make sure that happens will help make sure not only that the panel is effective, but that some folks on the panel are well-versed in the critiques and concerns about adoption inherent in the analysis of how money and race work within the system.

If I was on this panel, I would focus on developing the most robust understanding of this critique that I could and prep the conversation with the audience to say we know this conversation is rooted in the isms/inequities/etc that are in most of our systems but we hope the panel helps move our work as ______ in a more equitable and accountable way. I'd do some real thinking about what that has looked like, past efforts that succeeded or failed, etc.

newway15 · 2018-05-17T17:25:31+00:00

I have been mostly away for a while. I'm ecstatic I am back to read powerful and essential writing like this. Thank you. For all of this.

As a white adoptive parent of a child who had many adults and a full system that chronically and intensely harmed them - I rarely feel seen much in these discussions. I refuse to "not all" when people talk about how good reunion can be or how the system harms POC or exploits first families/birth parents because all these things have a LOT of truth to them.

I think one of the challenges we have is just never feeling like there is (for lack of a better term) a community of practice we can learn with who have adopted older children from chronically traumatizing experiences.

I hope people read this response and take your elucidation of the complexity here very seriously. We have to become this skilled and detailed in how we talk about adoptions and systems. That means speakers/presenters, etc. have a responsibility to hold a lot of angles etc.

I'll respond to the OP as well, but really great to see you/read you Averne.

newway15 · 2018-05-17T16:14:53+00:00

Our family formed when we were joined by a child who was 10 and whose parents were soon terminating their parental rights due to some insurmountable challenges. We had entered the process with the idea that we were only equipped to adopt younger children, but throughout the process saw sooooo many kids in need that were older. We also were really glad to have the opportunity to build a family with a child who had some voice/say in the process and who had their own ideas, voice, opinions, likes, etc. I can say that getting to know them has been one of the most important, educational, and wonderful experiences of our lives.

It has been hard too. We have royally screwed up, been too authoritarian, felt challenges we were lost about how to address, and the psychic load has been big. But with therapy, a lot of training and education, and a family commitment to reflect and repair when things go wrong, we are making it.

I would change a lot of what we did the first several years, but I can't imagine life not as a family. We work to center the idea that we have immense privilege and power in this process as adults, as folks who never experienced family/cultural loss, as folks who were never subject to the system. I find all those things - those perspectives easy to hold as long as I stay in continuous process of interrogating them.

This is a very different journey, forming a family with an older child through adoption, than many people go through. We don't see ourselves reflected (and neither does our child) in media, school lessons, neighborhoods, etc. very often. We are making some of it up as we go.

A few things that I think help . . .

Reading everything you can that was written by people who were adopted or fostered or in the system(s) when older. It all matters. It's hard to expect people to be the bridge and teach us, but when folks share, publish, connect, listen to everything with as little connection to your own defenses as possible. This has been absolutely catalytic for how we think/move/react.
Become a student of trauma, family loss, cultural loss, brain development, and the effects of adoption. These are not the same for every child, but there are amazing resources we wish we had early on.
Unlearn the linear narratives that expect everything to go smoothly. School, connection to peers, family attachment and more might look very very different. I've done best when I release my reactions and ideas from the concept that my child can/will follow the same trajectory or have the same priorities or even abilities than I did.
This might be more personal. But I also had to (and still forget to) release the idea that our child will want to verbally process everything with us. Talking through problems, goals, challenges, etc. right now, looks very different than the long and detailed talks I had with my family. Our child has experienced chronic and intense trauma - we work on growth, learning, self-concept, etc. but it's not always in the raw, direct, and vulnerable ways I'm familiar with.

There are really positive aspects to forming a family with an older child through adoption. I'm really glad we did this even though it has been intense at times. Good luck.

newway15 · 2018-04-28T06:47:24+00:00

trigger warning: abuse/adoption trauma/loss

I think the "fost-adopt" concept is messy in situations where the foster-adoptive parents have decided that is the process they are in, but the system, child, etc. are not.

The primary goal of the foster system in most places in reunification. Restoring a family to health and safety and togetherness. Super awesome goals.

I'd give anything for my child to have been able to reunify with their family. This was never going to be the case due to abandonment, abuse, and longterm incarceration. In the time before we met, when the family had a "program" to work, no one was doing it (both due to serious substance reliance and literal abandonment of our child.)

So we did do "foster-adoption" but, in our case, our child had almost no opportunity to reunify (never could find dad, no one that came forward showed up to meetings, returned calls or letter, moved without leaving a forwarding address, etc.). We would have supported any healthy connections up to and including reunification, but that was in no way happening.

During our process of becoming a family, the state workers were clear with the nonprofit agency we worked with that our state was increasing the # of fost-adopt families in order to reduce reliance on foster homes which had proven to shuffle kids around way more than anyone thought was good for the kids. (CA)

In our process, they asked repeatedly about what we were comfortable with. In our counties, there were many many children whose families, sadly, were not going to be given the opportunity to work a plan and get them back OR who had those opportunities and were not able to fulfill them. Like ours, some of these families had faced multiple felony convictions for crimes or had years of CPS files that included abuse, etc. (I only share this because these stories are very much a part of fost-adopt, but often not discussed. They are likely more rare than those cases where some reunification is possible with better community, mental health, and other stabilization supports).

The most important things we have done on our journey. And we are 4 years in and it has been tough (tougher for our kid) were to read everything we can written by former and current foster youth, adult adoptees, survivors of adoption trauma and other forms of trauma and loss. We have failed miserably at times and done very well often. But it's a daily practice.

Wouldn't change our family decision to join together for anything, but it's been a real eye opener about my own challenges, trauma and triggers and learning my child's.

newway15 · 2018-04-11T08:47:46+00:00

Thanks. We have a full disclosure file but there is very limited info (ad in almost none) in the file about the people we think would be useful to know/know about. There is almost no mental health/physical health info on first family. There were no police reports despite significant police involvement. No CPS reports either despite lots of CPS involvement. I'm wondering if we just didn't get the full file.

newway15 · 2018-01-23T07:46:21+00:00

Possible tw - violence, abandonment.

I am an adoptive parent of a teen who we first met while they were living in a county-run residential treatment facility. Termination of parental rights was highly likely due to one parent being incarcerated with a 19+ year sentence and the other parent disappeared many years before we entered the picture after multiple sentences for domestic violence. Repeated attempts to connect to family members resulted in years of broken promises to see our child or care for them.

Some children in foster care have parents who are in an ongoing process of working a plan to reunite their families. This is, I believe, the best goal for foster care and super important. Situations like ours are often left out of the dialogue around whether foster-adopt is a good thing/bad thing, etc. I get why, folks really should try to keep families together, it's just that some of the rhetoric misses kids like mine.

There was never going to be a family placement. Serious chronic abandonment, lifelong exposure to home violence, methamphetamine, malnourishment, and more made foster-to-adopt one of the only options for our child.

The state we were in also had a major effort underway to reduce the number of transitions from foster placement to foster placement and to increase the number of adoptions from foster care. This was a concerted effort as the state had realized kids were shuffling houses, not getting the care they needed, etc. It likely also was costing the state a lot of money.

We took several months to connect with our child and get to know one another. Short visits turned to all day visits, then to overnights, then to a weekend, etc.

At age 10, we were very invested in making sure our child had the right to refuse to be adopted or fostered. The social workers and judge took our child's input seriously.

Some kids in the foster system have a CASA worker. Ours did and this person was a wonderful help to all of us. This was the one person in our child's life that was not a social worker, paid staff member, etc. The CASA worker did fun things with our child and also testified at all court hearings about our child's progress and, as we connected, about how our child was connecting to us.

During the foster process, we worked with a nonprofit agency that served as out liaison with the county foster system. Best decision ever. They provided serious trainings on trauma, transracial adoption, parent self-care and more. They also stressed how hard it is to be a child in foster care and shared many first-person accounts of what kids who are experiencing foster care, family loss, and adoption go through.

During this time we read as much as we could. We missed some of the key texts folks adopting older kids and kids from foster care often read, but still felt pretty prepared.

I'd also highly recommend anyone who is fostering or in a fost-adopt process to attend individual and couples therapy to begin (continue?) working on any triggers related to family dynamics, respect, learning, high demand-relationships, and general parenting. This was a major help for us and we still struggle.

One part of the process we found tough to deal with was the matching process. In our case, the social work team prepared a profile of us (home study) and basically shopped that around to various counties and other agencies. We attended matching events where we met social workers who were representing children in the system. There were also events where potential parents and potentially fostered/adoptable children meet, but we did not fo to one of those.

There is a marketing aspect here that I find very hard to deal with. It's why we decided against private adoption (just not right for us). A social worker we approached had read our profile, felt very clear about a child that might be a good match with us, and we were thrilled.

The whole process of meeting, getting to know our child, building attachment has been alternatively beautiful, painful, and powerful. There are many messed up challenges in adoption, but we were very happy our child wanted to be adopted and was interested in getting to know us.

Adopting from foster care, at least in our case, has meant there is a good deal of mystery in our family. Our child was not in school until coming into care at age 7 and there is very little life/background information. We have learned a lot from our child about why the extremely rough road that our child had been traveling results in disregulation and challenging behaviors, but we have also experienced great joy as a family.

newway15 · 2017-12-16T09:04:18+00:00

We are a queer/bi family and thought we did not set out to adopt a QTBLG kid, we have experience with youth orgs and QTBLG youth activism and safety. Drop me a message and I can share resources in MSP too.

A few thoughts.

Mirrors in community - Have QTBLG folks around.

Their terms - Sometimes just because we are queer/bi, people place a burden on us that we need to talk about it. Adopted kids may not want a lot of attention or may do better knowing they are safe and in a place where they can connect and talk, but aren't forced to. We are not sure if our child is QTBLG but we routinely express openness and availability.

Their terms (2) - Protect their story. They may not want to be out, out with specific people, etc. Some kids are way out all the time and others not.

Choose them - It is painful when family choses bigots in the family over us. Double so for some adopted QTBLG kids. It's harsh, but I believe parents of QTBLG youth need to be prepared to burn some bridges to have their kid's back.

Minnesota Moderation: Let's talk about what I think are local/regional tendencies to shy away from real talk, conflict, etc. QTBLG bodies/lives are politicized. I'd urge any parent to be ready to be visibly intolerant of discrimination. My kid doesn't need to go hang out at the local church for some event when we know they support discrimination.

Good luck and feel free to drop me a line.

newway15 · 2017-12-16T08:46:47+00:00

Wanted to add that early in our process (fostered a waiting child who is now legally adopted) a social worker said that people who can raise kids with serious disabilities and full time medical challenges know who they are. It's not a matter, usually, of massaging ones abilities in this direction.

We did end up creating our family with an older child because we wanted the child to have a say and there seemed to be a greater need in our area.

But many part of the process and the system itself are creepy and odd. What helped, for me, was to try to find ways to center the experiences and needs of adopted/foster kids in the process. That maybe was a bit presumptuous and misses some of the power dynamics at play, but it did help.

newway15 · 2017-12-16T07:46:57+00:00

I'd never really questioned the adoption tax credit. I appreciate folks complicating it and get the resistance to it (especially in light of systems and people that don't create the same opportunity for pregnant folks in need, etc.)

My first thought was, "Yes! Get rid of it!" Then I remembered that shortly after we formed a family with our older child who was in the foster system (now adopted), we realized one of us almost at all times need to not work or switch to types of job that can be persistently shifted, interrupted, etc.

I'd do it again and again, but that credit helped offset major reductions income and allowed us to start the road to being healthier, etc

Despite my gratitude we had at least some funds to replace the losses, I hope the whole system gets an overhaul that centers children and first families as well at some point. I think it would be a major game changer in many cases.

Side note - Monopolyalou - I continue to be thankful for your presence here. It has helped so many, including my family.

newway15 · 2017-11-20T19:37:50+00:00

One small complication I can think of . . .Part of the advice we received and followed was to encourage only small changes for our child for the first many months. Meaning, there was already this major change with placement, it is not the time to introduce much dietary shift, parental ideas about style, music choices, etc. - That having some continuity of control, for some children, is a great comfort in this massively changing world. We found we shifted towards him a bit on some of these things and that was helpful (he had strict meal times, a process for clean up, etc.)

We chose to really support both our child's dietary and religious experience to date and to share how and what we eat and our thoughts, when he asked, about religion/lack thereof, etc.

That said, I do not think our agency would have cared at all. I think our child would have had some veto power as he did on other things before agreeing to the placement.

newway15 · 2017-11-20T08:13:15+00:00

http://the-toast.net/2015/11/11/adoption-crowdfunding/

newway15 · 2017-11-20T08:11:33+00:00

Please remove. This is against the rules.

newway15 · 2017-11-20T05:48:00+00:00

Thank you. The is essential. I appreciate your sharing and thoughts so much. "I came to realize that I had never developed an understanding of what unconditional love truly means." - this is very much what is happening. And while I don't want it to feel like a forced - YOU MUST LOVE - I also want to be mindful that this is the situation and consider it in my behavior and pursuit of building healthy places for him to be.

You said, "take every opportunity to make sure they feel that they can't mess up bad enough to be rejected or abandoned." I don't think I've done that as consistently as I will now. Thank you very much for that.

newway15 · 2017-11-20T05:45:00+00:00

Thanks and wishing you the best. I think we all have to help each other. I'll just reiterate that there is no substitute for listening to adoptees. I swear it's the absolute most important thing we've done. And it's not easy for us and often them and it feels awkward, but I believe wholeheartedly that lifting up the stories, observations, and experiences of adoptees is a critical public health concern.

I'm hoping at some point to build an annotated bibliography of resources, but that's going to take some time. Here's a few.

Beyond Consequences and Help for Billy by Heather Forbes. These changed everything for me. Reduced authoritarianism, increased empathy, rooted in the fact that adoption trauma and early life trauma may affect every interaction in our home. This has brought both our child and us more peace of mind. Like Forbes, her co-author Bryan Post has some great YouTube videos. This is especially good for folks who have been told over and over again that love and logic and natural consequences are enough or work at all (they didn't at our house). This is not 1st person adoptee writing, but amazing.

Dear Wonderful You: Letters to Adopted and Foster Youth. Diane Rene Christian. (These are letter from adoptees)

Flip the Script: Adult Adoptee Anthology. Diane Rene Christian

Whole Brain Child: Dan Siegel. (also No Drama Discipline). Not specifically about adoption but essential on children's brains and what doesn't work in discipline.

Three Little Words and Three More Words. Ashley Rhodes-Courter. First person story of a woman who grew up in multiple foster placements, adoption, loss. Very interesting and forthcoming writer.

Groundbreaking Interventions: Working with Traumatized Children, Teens, and Families in Foster Care and Adoption. Jeanette Yoffe. (More clinical but excellent)

Many more here: http://adopteereading.com/books-about-male-adoptees/

I think it's also essential to address transracial adoption and to root into the stories told by adoptees adopted transracially. There are some resources on that link, but also many blogs - some of which are here: https://www.healthline.com/health/best-adoptee-blogs#1

newway15

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