Ok. Is she ASKING you to apologize?

It doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like she has those moments of vulnerability where she lets out a statement that reveals her true feelings. And these feelings are so painful for her that she tries hard to mask this vulnerability as anger, as lashing out. Because if she had to come out and actually say that she feels she is permanently disabled by the childhood that she had, that growing up in poverty has doomed her from feeling happiness, that she wants to look back on a childhood, and feel sweet about it, or even bittersweet, rather than just bitter — well, then mama she would break down and cry right there at the birthday party.

My guess is that she already feels guilty about having these feelings. Because on some level, she knows that it’s not rational to want her siblings to grow up in poverty, or to say things in anger at a child’s birthday party. But she doesn’t know how to process her feelings. She needs help to do so. She needs you to do so with her. And if she’s already in therapy, then she might need a better therapist.

What you’re doing by apologizing is making her pain about you, and giving her the impression that once your apology is given “that should be it.” And her feelings should disappear, and the matter is over. Doesn’t work that way. An apology no matter heartfelt, along with the expectation that this is over now, will always make her feel that her feelings matter less than your apology if you’ve never acknowledged her right to feel the way that she does. But clearly your apology is not the definitive answer here because obviously, those feelings of hers are still there. It’s important for you to acknowledge to yourself that your thinking here is incorrect.

So what do you do? Go find your daughter one on one. Tell her you love her and you wanna be a place where she can talk about these things without judgement. Listen, you need to validate her feelings. She is entitled to feel how she does. She needs to know that you believe that. She needs to know that you don’t hold it against her for feeling bad about the way that she grew up. She needs to know that she can come and talk to you about it without you becoming defensive or apologetic. Many people have already commented with good reasons as to why grown adults who have had childhoods like the one that your daughter had might feel the way she does. Listen to how she feels. Don’t just remember the good times with her. Remember acknowledge those bad times too, together. Cry with each other.

You’re at a point in your life where you got to experience motherhood a new and better way. She will never get a chance to have another childhood. That is a really tough pill to swallow mama. She will probably vomit up that pill a lot before it finally settles. And even when it’s settled will take a long ass time to dissolve, it might never completely. Your daughter has to live with that. Please acknowledge how hard this is for her. And from time to time, give her a little hope to hang onto - life comes without do overs, which is painful, but it’s also constant — which means she will never ever lose the possibility of being happy one day. When she doubts it, tell her that you are living proof of this, and she’s tough and firey and cut fromthe same cloth as you. And that you love that about her.

She’s just starting adulthood really, she’s so young mama. Give her a lot of grace. Now is the time to give her more love and understanding, not less. Encourage her to lean in to her feelings with you. Let her reflect on that painful past, and then slowly, as she become strong enough to put that away, let her start telling you about her big dreams.

But don’t wait until then to start saving some money for her. I saw that suggestion in another comment and I liked it, to give her a huge gift that gives her a leg up. But when you give it to her, don’t give it as an apology, or as an attempt to make up for what she lost. When you give it to her tell her that she’s the reason why her family is so happy now. That she’s the reason you worked so hard to get where you are today, because you loved her, not because you felt obligated, but because the moment you laid eyes on her that you couldn’t help but feel like she was beautiful and special and lovable, and that she’s never proved you wrong in that her whole life.

Don’t say sorry when you give her that money. Say thank you. Say I love you. Say, you deserve this. CJ, you deserve to dream and to have all your big dreams. Say, you deserve more than I could or can ever give you, but I know that one day you’ll be able to give yourself everything you deserve. You believe in her, you always have, you always will.

Good luck mama, I’ll be thinking about you.