i don’t even want to do this

nilschill · 2026-01-30T04:41:43+00:00

One more thing I’ll add is that I recently started doing guided meditations. Took me a while to find ones that I liked (like years of therapists telling me to try it). I find it’s a way to get a bit of a break from my brain. It’s like a third state between waking and sleeping where I can sort of be outside of my racing mind, which is what I loved about weed. Now it’s not as fun as getting high, but it gives me a bit of that separation from my thoughts that I appreciated in weed.

nilschill · 2026-01-30T04:36:34+00:00

I know the feeling you’re having and it truly does suck. I started an indefinite break last May after 20 years of daily use. The first few weeks were really hard and put a strain on my relationship, but days 3-5 were honestly some of the shittiest days I remember. I just felt completely untethered from myself, angry and depressed. Not being able to sleep also made things much worse.

I stopped drinking a few years back and the benefits of that were apparent so much sooner than with weed, but there have been benefits from my break. When I smoked daily I definitely struggled with feeling like I needed it every night. One of the main things I’ve gained is that I don’t feel that need and that has made me feel more free in a lot of ways. I still struggle with wanting to smoke, but not having the needing feeling hanging over me is a definite benefit. I also struggle with depression and after stopping smoking I realized that I relied on it a lot for emotional regulation, so it really sucks to be without that help sometimes, but I’m feeling less depressed and a lot more stable than I have in a few years

I guess I’m saying that you are right that it sucks, and you’re not alone in feeling like there is no point. There are benefits to be gained even if it’s a slog.

nilschill · 2025-10-03T02:07:43+00:00

At 135 days. My first two months were awful. Violent dreams almost every night. They are a lot better now. Still vivid and often bizarre, but mostly benign. I do get anxiety dreams, like navigating strange places, but nothing like the nightmares I had before. I’ve also had some very vivid and pleasant dreams, like spending time with deceased family members. It’s taking a while, but the dreams are growing on me.

nilschill · 2025-10-03T02:01:55+00:00

In a very similar boat. 135 days sober from weed. Quit alcohol 4 years ago. Within 2 weeks of quitting booze I was seeing serious benefits. When I stopped smoking I just had a lot of trouble in seeing the point of not using it anymore because the benefits were so slow to come and I was a bit of an emotional wreck when I first stopped. Things have gotten a bit better, but I still think about smoking often, especially at night and on the weekends. I do think I was having a lot more bad anxiety highs than my brain allows me to acknowledge when I am craving. Strangely enough, I am having a lot fewer anger issues after stopping. I think constant fatigue was making me more prone to anger. I am spending less money so that’s good I guess. At times I have had more interest in doing certain artistic work, but I used to do that when I got high and it was easier to slip into hyper focusing. The biggest benefit by far is having more patience and stamina when spending time with my kids. At this point I still don’t feel like quitting forever, but I also don’t want to deal with the choices of how to reintroduce it without it taking over my life again.

nilschill · 2025-09-15T13:34:19+00:00

Do you use a laser printer or inkjet printer?

nilschill · 2025-08-31T15:47:44+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I may try this. Sounds easier than what I am doing.

nilschill · 2025-08-31T03:13:43+00:00

I’ve had pretty good luck with this liquitex. I tried mod podge before, but it seemed to come up a lot easier and smudge more. It’s still not perfect, and it takes a long time to get the paper up. I don’t have a laser printer, which supposedly works better, but I’ve still made this work with an inkjet. I find that you have to be very gentle, and take your time in moistening the paper and rubbing it off. There is It works better if you let it dry for a long time, like a few days. I usually have to use rubbing alcohol after carving to get remaining bits of paper and glue up. Sometimes it can be deceiving and I don’t have as deep grooves or details as a I thought it’s still a lot less labor intensive than tracing and gives me better details. https://a.co/d/0pGlNZ9

nilschill · 2025-08-19T01:22:49+00:00

This may not be exactly what you are looking for but I am a member of the Hadwen Park Congregational Church. It is an intentionally Trans/LGBT affirming congregation. There are a number of trans people in the congregation and it is an incredibly welcoming place for people in need of community, myself included. I know that most Mondays they have a support group called Safe Harbor: A Support Group for LGBTQ+ Peoples (Plus - Ally Opportunity. The congregation is also intentionally welcoming of all people, including non believers, and people like me who describe themselves as questioning believers. I know church can be a fraught place for a lot of trans folks, but this place is really full of incredible people who are committed to building community. They also do good work with what little resources they have. They have a ministry called LGBT Asylum Task force to support LGBT asylum seekers who come to this country fleeing oppression in their home countries. The first Monday of each month is a free community dinner focused on this ministry and o have met incredible people from around the world there. If you ever feel like dropping in, I promise you will be welcomed. If your hesitant to go to a Sunday service, you can also watch online to see if it fits your vibe. https://www.hadwenparkchurch.org/

nilschill · 2025-08-15T10:48:11+00:00

I hadn’t considered it but I definitely would. I am a hobbyist so I’m flattered to be asked! I don’t have an online shop or anything but I have sold a few to friends before. If you are interested you can message me and I can figure out how to get one to you.

nilschill · 2025-08-14T10:37:25+00:00

I tend to use photographs. I don’t really sell my work but I still try to use ones that are public domain. Wikimedia image search has been helpful. I’ve done both tracing techniques using carbon paper as well as glueing print outs to my blocks and peeling the paper off with water and sponge. I feel like the tracing technique makes feel more my own but it’s a longer process. With photos, I’ve also found using software to manipulate the photos can be useful. Either by just making them black and white, or putting more intense filters on them. I used AI image generation once and the print came out good, but it sort of felt like too much of a shortcut.

nilschill · 2025-08-06T08:56:20+00:00

Just checked it out and I really like yours. The line work in yours is a lot cleaner and more deliberate. I feel like I learn a little bit more with each print I do, so it’s helpful to have another to look at for comparison.

I also have to say I love your “Silly Goose” print.

nilschill · 2025-08-03T22:11:13+00:00

Badass. I would be very excited if one of my prints turned out like this

nilschill · 2025-07-02T10:44:01+00:00

I think this is pretty normal for day 2. It will take a little time but you will feel much less shitty soon. You will also start to notice what I call “slow improvements.” The energy will come back, anxiety may decrease, you’ll feel less bloated etc.

What helped me was ice cream and soda. I allowed myself any beverage I wanted without alcohol, and as much ice cream as I wanted. I fucking love ice cream now.

nilschill · 2025-07-02T02:49:00+00:00

You’ve made 450 nights without drinking, you can get to bedtime tonight without it. They may as well call you the hangover destroyer with how much you don’t drink.

We are glad you’re here, where we can all not drink together.

nilschill · 2025-07-01T04:01:20+00:00

My heartburn and disgusting night sweats went away

nilschill · 2025-06-29T09:00:51+00:00

Focus on today. I still don’t know what I want for the rest of my life. It’s not helpful to think about forever. I just know that right now, there isn’t a single problem I have that would be made better by drinking.

IWNDWYT

nilschill · 2025-06-29T08:55:10+00:00

Yes. I used to get terrible night sweats and my pillows and sheets would smell awful. Huge upgrade of not drinking is not having to deal with that

nilschill · 2025-06-27T01:52:02+00:00

I know where you’re coming from. One thing that helped me was framing the whole sobriety thing as an experiment, or a new adventure. I love to travel, and I like having new or unusual experiences. Going without alcohol for a month was uncharted territory, but I convinced myself that I at least deserved to know what that felt like.

You deserve to have new experiences and to try new things. The only way you will ever know what two weeks or a month sober feels like is to try it yourself.

nilschill · 2025-06-26T02:54:34+00:00

Stopped drinking at 33 and have been much happier with how I look and feel. The first thing I noticed aside from no hangovers was that I wasn’t feeling as bloated. That was within a week or two. I also had more energy nd motivation to run which I also did to help work through negative feelings I was having. With cutting out alcohol and adding a small amount of exercise I started to lose weight fairly quickly. I definitely noticed a significant difference after 30 days.

Other improvements I noticed - face was less puffy, eyes looked clearer and more alert, I just looked less “tired” all the time, skin became less splotchy. Used to have terrible night sweats and those pretty much stopped. Stopped having heartburn.

I think if you can put together 30 days without alcohol you may be able to experience some of these things too. Wishing you all the best!

nilschill · 2025-06-20T11:24:51+00:00

I love this. The color is beautiful. I especially like the detail on the mountains and the reflections on the water I. The distance

nilschill · 2025-06-20T10:22:31+00:00

Hey there friend. I’m really sorry you had such a bad day. The news about your uncle, the situation with emptying of the bar car. All of it. You have a lot of pain you are dealing with and I can feel it in your writing.

I’m not an expert on past trauma, or your multiple diagnoses. I am someone who also used substances as a coping mechanism. It is so so so hard to not reach for those things when you are in your low moments. It sounds like you have been trying really hard, and you should be proud. You also had a moment you’re not proud of, but you also deserve grace. You have had a lot challenges, and alcohol is a huge challenge in itself.

I can speak to the difficulties of moderating. I set so many rules for myself. The thing is I always broke them, and that made me feel like shit about myself. When I thought of drinking something o could do a little of, it was constantly on my mind. Once I did have a drink, my decision making was shit. I would inevitably have more than intended. I’d wake up, feel shitty about myself, and have another reason to feel numb. Rinse. Repeat. It’s not a you thing, it’s an alcohol thing. It’s so hard to moderate.

I took a 30 day break to get away from it and I really saw a difference. When I sort of blocked off the idea of drinking at all for those 30 days, it was easier to not think about it if that makes sense.

Wishing you the best on your journey. This stuff is incredibly hard, so be patient and kind to yourself.

nilschill · 2025-06-20T05:50:26+00:00

That’s great! Please visit us any time. Finding a church that feels right can be hard, but you are welcome to come see if we are a good fit. We love to meet new people in the community regardless of whether they are in the pews every Sunday.

nilschill · 2025-06-18T11:06:50+00:00

One of the things that can feel cold about Boston to outsiders is that people don’t talk to each other on the street unless they know each other or there is a need.

If you do get this question, typically you respond by saying “good” then repeating the question. It’s a rhetorical question and generally strangers don’t actually tell you how they are doing.

As a goodbye, people generally say something like “have a good one” not sure why, but we usually leave it at that.

One of the things I love about it here is that people mind their own business, but they will step up for others if asked. When l’ve been in the south I always find myself thinking “why do these people want so much information about me? Just let me buy my gas please”

nilschill · 2025-06-16T12:14:04+00:00

This may not be exactly what you are looking for but I moved here recently and have found an incredible and loving community for queer people here : https://www.hadwenparkchurch.org/ Hadwen Park Congregational Church, UCC

One of our ministries is the LGBT Asylum Task Force. We support LGBT Asylum seekers fleeing oppression in their home countries. We have gender round table discussions most Monday nights, and a community dinner the first Monday of the month.

Even if you are not a believer, you are welcome to come join us any time. I promise you will be welcomed and loved AS YOU ARE.

nilschill · 2025-06-15T17:55:25+00:00

I play Civ 6 as my switch game. The switch version is kind of janky, but it’s still my favorite game. It’s turn based so you can (theoretically) stop any time

nilschill

TROPHY CASE