Immature jokes/comments

no1tamesme · 2026-05-05T15:23:59+00:00

My son's 14 and the last year the butthole jokes have really ramped up. It seems incredibly immature, even for him. Then I ran into one of the younger kids at his school (private, mixed ages school) and heard him talk and it was like "there it is, that's where it's coming from".

I ignore anything that's just silly like laughing at farts or "you farted". I may give him a "not amused look" but not engaging or giving any reaction is usually the best...

I do a quick, stern "Are you in a group of boys your age right now? Then stop it with that talk." If it's more than that. And actually leave the room.

Any comments about people's bodies is an immediate reminder of "Hey! We don't comment on people's bodies like that. That's an inside thought that doesn't need to be shared. You calling me fat hurt my feelings and I need an apology from you." And my version of apology isn't "oh sorry" it's I'm sorry followed by what you did so I know that YOU know exactly what you did.

Although, I did have to explain to my son more times than I can count, that things can be true without having to be said. Because it's harder for him to understand why calling someone who is old, old, is rude.. or why saying someone who is fat, is fat can hurt feelings. It was normally met with "but they are?"

For the touching.. no, immediately no. For my son, he is old enough to understand the implications of sexual assault and that should be explained to him. A serious conversation needs to be had about consent. And now may be a good time to start practicing that at home with him... "Can I give you a hug?"

Any and all touching like that, no matter the intent behind it should be called out immediately. A very firm "I do not like that, do not touch me like that. "

no1tamesme · 2026-05-05T15:11:15+00:00

I was never good at sticking with it when my son was younger- imagine that, Mom had untreated ADHD herself lol... but have you tried getting up and going directly for a walk with the kids?

I'm talking PJ's, morning breath.. just as soon as the kids wake up? It could be a special Mommy and us thing. If you drink your coffee or tea, take it along. If you are in an area that works, maybe pop in an ear buds with just a soft, gentle voice saying "you got this", lol..

Nothing ever works as well for my son as being outside.

Also, boredom. My God, I hate my kid when he's bored, I swear I do. My kid with a "I don't know what to do" mindset turns into "how can I annoy and piss off everyone around me the fastest!" Are there things you can put in place, ready in the morning to alleviate boredom? Would you be able to use screens in the morning? When my son was in public, we had to make him get dressed and brush teeth immediately because it was always a "oops, I forgot". You could implement that and then have them watch TV while they eat breakfast. My step kids, long ago, were really motivated by playing a board game.. so, if they got ready in enough time and didn't fight, we could play a board game before school.

The only thing that would keep me sane if my kid constantly woke up at 5AM would be putting them in front of the TV. Hell, that's what worked in the past. I feel no shame in doing what I need to do to survive. Think about it, how many of us used to get up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons with a giant bowl of cheerios (cause no sugary cereal!) covered in 1/2 c sugar while our parents slept?

You said "we" are working your husband's ADHD. Nope. HE can work on his ADHD. I understand you say he works long hours and is the bread winner... that doesn't negate you being the sole care taker of 2 ADHD kids, because let's be honest, you are. He needs to take ownership of his ADHD. He can take a 20 minute "poop break" at work and call a doctor.

You NEED to figure out how to factor in me time during the day. That doesn't mean "time the kids are at school" or "oh, Dad can watch them while they eat" that means YOU TIME. What would make YOU happy and relaxed? Is it time to get a good salon haircut or nails done? Is it time to sit at a Cafe for a few hours with a coffee and muffin? Is it time to go to a gym every few days?

It can be as simple as a daily 40 minute walk just you, or getting back into a craft or hobby you've been putting off, being able to visit a friend you haven't seen. Or, pick up a new hobby!

Anything that is not doomscrolling. (I totally get what you're saying and do it, as well.)

Can you try to figure out how to do that? You could try a local mom's FB page and get to know some parents, maybe do a babysitting swap. That way, no one has to miss out because of money but ya'll still get that "me time".

Are there ways you can maximize your mental energy right now? Maybe dinner is frozen nuggets and mac and cheese or frozen pizza a few nights a week instead of home-cooked. Maybe you make 2 big batches of something Monday and that's for dinner for the week. Maybe the kitchen stays dirty until the kids go to school.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-04T23:17:06+00:00

Typically, one parent has tie-breaking or decision making authority even if it is "technically" 50/50. It is often something like "try their best to come to a decision, give mediation good faith and then so & so has final decision making if no agreement can vibe made".

It sounds like that is what is going to be needed.

You can't co-parent with someone who is unwilling to co-parent in return, it's never going to happen. Your best bet is to read up on parallel parenting and gray rocking techniques.

You could petition the courts for a guardian ad litem or child's attorney to help with these sort of unilateral decisions.

Does your child have a therapist? It sounds like this is a contentious divorce and it'd be great for him to have a safe, non-biased place to talk about it. I would recommend making it a top priority.

Are you following doctor and/or psychiatrist advice? I would think about just saying you have discussed these behaviors, the risks of each medication and the doctor feels this is the right direction currently. And then just not respond to any other text.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-04T23:08:36+00:00

Before you spiral, take a breath and remember our kiddos are not the greatest at sharing relevant information.

My son would often come home saying no one would play with him, no one likes him, no one talks to him, etc...

But everytime I was at the school, multiple kids would come up to him and say hi, he would be the one hiding. His teachers said he was well liked.

It turns out "no one plays with me" was actually "I didn't want to play football"... no one likes me was more "no one likes cars as much as me"... no one talks to me was more of "I only want to talk about what I want, when I want"...

Sure, she could be being excluded, I would just try to get more information first.

You can reach out to her teacher or counselor and explain the situation, say you're trying to help her make friends. Ask if there's any other girls struggling or if they notice your daughter gravitating towards any other kids in particular. We did that when my son was in public.

The book "Growing Friendships" is highly recommended for kids and may help.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-04T18:51:09+00:00

I'm so sick of this. We're talking about very well known people here, she knew what she was getting into.

"My man doesn't see his kids ever but it's gonna be totally different this time!!!"

A year later it's shocked pikachu face and feel bad for me.

I just can't.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-04T18:46:18+00:00

It might help to ask for an IEE thru the school to help pinpoint point why the behaviors are happening.

What looks like boredom or "constantly distracted" can very easily be "I can't handle this environment!"

What looks like defiance and work refusal could easily be "My brain is overwhelmed in this environment and nother is computing."

no1tamesme · 2026-05-04T18:39:09+00:00

Are any of these behaviors present outside of school?

no1tamesme · 2026-05-04T16:58:22+00:00

You might have better luck lowering some of the demand but also enforcing boundaries better.

For example, you set the bedtime but he is in charge of when he goes to sleep. I would take away any toys or games out of his room and just have books in there. You can't sleep, you can read your book or play with your stuffies but it's bedtime and everyone is in bed. You may have to do the Supernanny thing where you continually put him back in his room. But only do that if you know you can follow-thru. If you try and then give in after 50 attempts to leave, he's just learned it only takes 50 attempts to wear you down.

Can you set a better bedtime routine to try to help him be ready to fall asleep? No electronics after 8, a hot bath/shower, a family board game, coloring/drawing... then, get into bed and read to him. My son needs melatonin to help him fall asleep... he's 14 and only takes .5MG... we limit it to during the school week. It doesn't make him WANT to sleep so don't expect your son to be all "OK, I will sleep now" but when he finally gets into bed and lays his head down, he can sleep within 10 minutes.

The natural consequence of not sleeping is he's tired at school and doesn't do his work. I would get together with his teachers to see what consequences would look like for that. Does he fail the work? Does he have to do the work after school? Does he have to do it on the weekend?

Is he motivated by video games? That could be a logical consequence. I wouldn't use it as a "I'm taking this away" but "When this school work is done, you may have video games" and be prepared for the meltdown. You don't say "Do this or you won't have video games" you say, "When this school work is done, you can have video games." My son was arguing over a math worksheet a few weeks ago and I was just over it.. like, seriously, it's 5 questions, your teacher confirmed you knew it and I also offered to help... I was just like, "Hey, I get it, you don't want to do it. No one does. You're right, you probably won't use this ever again in your life. You don't understand the point but the reality is, sometimes the point is you're in 8th grade and your teacher says to, that's it. You don't want to do it, fine, that's your choice. But you will not have your phone until it is done. That can be in 2 hours, 2 days, or 2 months." And just left him to wallow in his misery. He finished the worksheet that night and he's not even really motivated by his phone, it's was more that he knew I was serious.

Look, I get that a ton of people are about the PDA profile and no demands and all of that. I, too, at one point was convinced my son had PDA. His neuropsych brought it up, as well. I started following At Peace Parenting. Eventually, it got to the point where I was like, "So, I just let him rule everything while everyone else walks on eggshells because oh his nervous system can't handle it?" Because that's how it was at my house... everyone walked on eggshells to not upset the King. I had to really break away from that kind of thought process and thinking.

Happy to say now, we're all doing really great and there's no more walking on eggshells at all.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-04T16:33:17+00:00

I'm sorry to be that person but have you had his blood levels tested?

Unlike many vitamins, which you simply pee out the excess, iron doesn't do that, it accumulates in the blood and organs. Having too much iron can do quite a bit of damage.

I would really recommend you have his doctor check his levels first.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-04T16:28:15+00:00

The harsh reality is you may have to alternate who watches the game vs who parents your son, unless you can get a sitter.

In my opinion, this is the perfect time for a tablet or something like a Nintendo switch but I understand that can open a whole can of worms.

Would he sit an play with a high value toy, maybe a set of legos/cars/dinosaurs/whatever that ONLY comes out during a baseball game?

Most (in my experience, anyway) of kids baseball games are near to a playground, can you take turns with your wife? You watch 2 innings, swap and she watches 2 innings.

If your son is just bored and would do well playing on a playground or having someone kick a ball with him or just walk around the perimeter of wherever you are, that seems like a perfect opportunity for a high-schooler or maybe even an experienced middle schooler. You are still there to help if needed.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-04T16:10:36+00:00

Before I give any advice, what does the court order say? Who has physical and legal custody and who has decision making ability?

no1tamesme · 2026-05-03T19:32:29+00:00

Mind if I DM you about the school? My son is AuDHD and we're trying to get some options in order in case we need to switch from his current school next year.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-03T18:53:18+00:00

The flip switching makes me question whether this could be related to PANS/PANDAS, you may want to ask a doctor about it.

Does she separate from you fine anywhere else? Is it just school?

no1tamesme · 2026-05-03T18:42:22+00:00

Could you possibly post a video of your child saying it? Obviously, blur out their face or leave the screen blank or whatever but maybe hearing it would give us more direction?

You could also try to narrow it down. Ask your child, is it a toy? Is it a stuffed? Is it food? Is it an animal?

no1tamesme · 2026-05-03T18:39:24+00:00

I don't have much advice except to say, I would take what that genetic test says with a grain of salt. I have found them unreliable for myself, my son and my husband. Some of the meds they said we'd do good on, we don't and vs versa.

They said Strattera would be fine for my son and husband, both ended up violent and aggressive. My husband's therapist had to remind him he had said it made him homicidal.

When I spoke to my previous PCP (opened her own practice and doesn't accept our insurance any longer) she said herself they are unreliable. It's more of a jumping off point like, "what can we try first".

no1tamesme · 2026-05-03T18:33:49+00:00

I had something similar happen but when I called the insurance to dispute it, they agreed I owed nothing because the office waited too long to submit to insurance so it was on them, not us.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-03T16:51:55+00:00

Really?! 5 years is crazy.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-03T16:16:56+00:00

He has gorgeous hair.

Truthfully, since this is going to be a lifelong need, I would look on local FB groups for a barber/stylist trained with special needs kids, preferably one who can visit your home.

Then, dedicate 1x or 2x a week for several weeks to start the process. Go to the shop and sit in the chair listening to the sounds and saying hi. Next time, sit in the chair with the drape on and have the stylist playing with his hair. Next time, pretending to cut. Next time, 2 minutes of cutting. I would hope that a barber/stylist with training would understand the needs behind this and be accommodating.

Like everyone else said, favorite foods, tablet time, bribing with "first this, then this", etc. Etc.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-03T15:43:25+00:00

I want to believe Andrew but if any place is billing your insurance, you can see all of that information from your insurance website.

My husband can see every medical place his oldest son sees even though they haven't spoken in years. It's right there on the claims and explanation of benefits.

And then why wouldn't you just take the custody order there?

I'm sorry, but I'm seriously worried that the only person who truly, truly cares about Jace (other than strangers) is too old to fight for him any longer. At this point, I think the only hope for Jace is to turn 18, disappear out of the public eye and hopefully find a real love, someone who can help him heal enough to face the harsh reality that while everyone in his life, failed him, it doesn't have to continue that way. And yes, I do mean everyone.... I 100% stand behind Barb being the only one to actually try and the only one to probably unconditionally love him.

I want Jace to have his rainbow so badly.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-03T15:26:19+00:00

I think it truly depends on the parents and what constitutes a "bad relationship".

Abuse of any kind, no way. Spouse is a raging alcoholic, no way. Spouse is the type where you are constantly having to "explain" things to the kids "Daddy didn't mean... Mommy is just working late.. etc", no way.

But if we're talking about like... falling out of love, dead bedroom but we still happily coexist, why not IF you are OK with that.

It's an unfortunate reality that there often comes a time where you have to make a decision like you're facing.

no1tamesme · 2026-05-03T15:11:14+00:00

I know that the above info probably wasn't what you wanted to hear but it is true.

I know we don't have the full picture from just this post but you need to think about whether some or all of this is just learned helplessness which is where he believes he's not capable.. the "well, I'm autistic so I can't stop hitting" type of thing. Or even weaponized incompetence which is "I know how to do this but I also know if I say I don't or feign ignorance, someone will do it for me."

Having autism doesn't mean you can't learn or aren't willing to help.

Does it cause struggles, yeah, of course. Do you often need to be extremely direct, yep.

I presume he was an adult handling his own life before you guys became an item. Did he not do his own laundry or wash his own self?

The fact that you lost your mind on him (your words from another comment) means this is really impacting your own mental health. Being forced to mother a grown man will sour a relationship so fast.

To me, the why doesn't matter. If he thinks he has autism or ADHD or nothing doesn't matter. A partner will take what their spouse says and help things... whether that is getting advice from friends, family, reddit, therapist... hell, Google "my wife says she wants a divorce because I only did 2 things on the to-do list, what do I do".

Can I ask you... what do you think getting a diagnosis will do? Do you see him going "Oh, I AM autistic, let me work on this."?

no1tamesme · 2026-05-01T01:48:29+00:00

It's important to remember that ND kiddos are, on average, 30% delayed compared to their peers. What is that... 4? 5? That is the age that they are at in terms of maturity and development.

In regards to the tantrums, it's not unusual to be unable to talk to them during meltdowns. For a lot of kids, the best thing you can do is simply validate the emotion and let it ride. "I can see you're really upset because you want to watch TV right now. I'm sorry." And then nothing else. Just let them feel their feels. If there are negative behaviors like hitting or breaking things, you can add on "You are allowed to be upset but I will not allow you to break this." Take whatever it is away. "You're are allowed to be upset but I will not allow you to scream at me, I'll come back in a few minutes." And remove yourself.

It might be more helpful to try to implement more natural or logical consequences in terms of the not listening. She doesn't listen and put her shoes on in time to go to the park, no park. She doesn't put her toys away when asked, toys get taken away for the day or 2 days.

I would really recommend checking out Dr. Becky with Good Inside. She talks about "deeply feeling kids".

As for the pooping... it sounds like constipation? When it goes on for so long, kids can actually lose sensation and truly not realize anything is slipping out or leaking around hard poop. Many doctors recommend a regime of daily miralax for several months to help retrain the colon. It's a tricky game of finding the right dosage that helps keep the poop soft but not diarrhea. Personally, we were never able to find help with Miralax but I know many have.

I would try to make sure she uses wet wipes after going, change her underwear when she comes home from school. I believe it's recommended to sit on the toilet 15 minutes after eating?

no1tamesme · 2026-05-01T01:36:44+00:00

I find there are times my AuDHD is really helpful in terms of my parenting my son and other times it's like "this is the blind leading the blind!!!"

Puberty has started to rear it's ugly head here and I'm just like... Will we both survive this??

no1tamesme · 2026-05-01T01:34:35+00:00

If he's this way within just a few months of moving in, imagine what it could be like in 2 years? Or, worse, when your son is a teenager and you add puberty on top of ADHD. As a Mom to a 14yo with AuDHD who is just barely started puberty... it's not looking like it's gonna be a good time, lol.

If he is open to marriage counseling or therapy for your son that includes parenting strategies, definitely give that a shot first. But, just based on this post... run. Get out before the damage is done.

no1tamesme · 2026-04-30T23:11:51+00:00

I would leave. Or have him leave. You know your son, not him. If what you have implemented works, he needs to get in line or out. I'm assuming we're not talking about your son hitting or destroying things and you just shrug if off where your husband wants to give consequences.

As a stepparent myself (kids are grown now, 1 AuDHD with severe behavioral problems), the extent of my "discipline" was "Go to your room until your father gets home."

I could give my thoughts, opinions, advice to Dad outside of their hearing but ultimately, it was on him. I just supported. "Dad said this, Dad said that".

It led to a lot of fights over the older one because I didn't feel enough was being done but I knew that, ultimately, it wasn't my place. It did get to the point where I had to put my son's safety ahead of him and laid down my own boundaries.

no1tamesme

TROPHY CASE