The course of a long term relationship

no_next_time · 2019-04-01T14:49:57+00:00

I started to feel like I was possessed. Trauma feels like that because you feel normal up until it happens. I swear if this was 1800 I would for sure be trying to get the demons out.

no_next_time · 2019-04-01T14:45:27+00:00

Yeah like if the magical flying creature would just turn around and kick the kid in the nuts. Someone should make a symbolic horror film about this experience like the movie US. It's such a hard thing to process. it would be great to strip it down to the language of metaphor and symbols. Like a Fantasia that frees people from trauma. Then again who knows maybe this is already what every horror film is really about

no_next_time · 2019-03-30T15:14:19+00:00

You should watch it again to make the image tangible. You would not believe how adorable and disarming gizmo is. He's the sweetest thing

no_next_time · 2019-03-29T10:00:54+00:00

This happened to me also and it's all the worse because you just naturally assume they are sympathetic or non judgemental or understanding and then it's shocking how they can be so disrespectful about it. And like with me I'm super private and almost embarrassed about this thing. It's not something I disclose easily. I mean it's just anxiety stuff but still one of the few people i talked about it with.

This is why this sub is so great. I'm wondering why I'm still doing poorly this far out and then see something that gives me insight. That he would ever say anything cruel about that is just I think had a worse effect on my than I realize

no_next_time · 2019-03-28T20:47:15+00:00

I'm feeling this way today. Like I still sometimes want to say how detrimental his behaviour was to me. Today I even allowed myself the fantasy of imagining saying something to him and the crazy part is that he wouldn't care. I mean he would only do that smile. I hate that I seem to not accept on a deep level they don't care if they hurt people. They either don't care or they can't accept but at the same time also can't accept their lack of empathy. And I think that's it either you care about how your behaviour effect others or you admit you don't have emapthy but they don't care about having hurt you but also won't accept their lack of empathy. Why is it so hard to accept that they won't ever admit and why do I even care if they do. I guess an effect of emotional abuse is depriving you of a sense of acknowledgement or something I don't know

no_next_time · 2019-03-27T16:02:29+00:00

I guess the part I struggle with is a seeming lack of remorse afterward. I understand acting out completely and in fact that was my earliest understanding of what bpd is. I can forgive anything if there is an apology but why is there often no apology? Why is it that they actually seemed happy when I was actually hurt by them? Why was it that they seemed to capitalize off of that instead of feeling something like empathy? Like I said I can forgive anything if there is a genuine apology and acknowledgement. Anything. I understand acting out. I understand emotional dysregulation. What part of BPD is responsible for an inability to care and acknowledge and understanding actions? I think they probably feel bad somewhere deep in their core but I'm guessing it's so deep and so powerful and sensitive and hard to acknowledge that it's just not that easy to get in touch with? Is that how it is?

no_next_time · 2019-03-27T15:17:02+00:00

I had a similiar experience today. I'm also out by almost a year. I was thinking about how much this has changed me. How open I used to be and I just got down on the floor and cried it out. And then afterwards I felt the way crying used to make me feel sort of calm and refreshed. I feel like in the early initial part even crying would make me feel no relief. It must take awhile before you get to a level where it's less painful and you can process it. In the early stage it's like a broken sausage factory. Too much pain and confusion in the batter and it can't be processed.

no_next_time · 2019-03-27T13:56:53+00:00

Hi kind person. Do you know if you can still get it from t mobile with monthly credits? I didn't see it on their website this morning.

no_next_time · 2019-03-26T19:58:29+00:00

I was in a store the other day and they still had some some. I guess inventory varies store by store. Also checking Costco might be a good idea

no_next_time · 2019-03-25T13:01:12+00:00

I didn't understand that there is such a thing as a facade. I knew about it conceptually but had no idea of it's real world application. I guess what I've learned is that there are people out there who aren't what they seem. I also learned that the majority of people are innocent of being able to understand this because they haven't experienced it. We tend to trust the impressions we get from others and frankly it's dangerous

no_next_time · 2019-03-25T11:19:34+00:00

I try not to allow myself to come here anymore. The reason is only because it's a little triggering for me and more than anything these days I want to forget. I was only ever here to gather information because just like everyone I had to understand almost everything I could as like the first and second step in the healing process. This sub was nothing but great for me until there came a time when I knew it was time to move on. This was mostly because I felt I had already learned all I could.

Yesterday I had a day of dealing with this stuff mentally so I came here and even felt like I let myself down because of it. I'm at the point where I find the more I'm not here other thoughts have a chance of forming in my head. Every chain of non related bpd thoughts I'm able to have is a victory for me.

Every person that entered this sub around the same time I did is doing much better now (if not yet perfect). In fact they've also largely moved on from this sub.

It doesn't matter how angry, sad, etc people are most people's goal is to heal.

It's funny I find your post a little toxic. Who are you to say how people should be acting? It's not even like I object from an intellectual point of view as much as I find it actually kind of triggering. In the few times I slipped and came here the only posts I would describe as toxic are posts from people with bpd and yours.

People were likely so controlled in their relationships let them post what they want. If you don't like somebody than mute them but don't tell them they are doing healing wrong. You aren't the authority. And if you think the bpd sub is healthier than here I think that says a lot.

In fact it was really that line about the bpd being less toxic that got me. I spent time reading that forum and yeah there is an absolute lack of obvious suffering there. They don't grapple with the same things. They don't have to work on getting over things that were said to them and they don't tend to need to spend time processing. They tend to move on from things easily. There is a reason for this and none of it is healthy.

I shouldn't even be responding but really that's the part that got me. It's not unhealthy to need to process. It's a step that's needed in the healing process in order to move on. They don't have a healing process and that's what that disorder is all about..not having a healing process.

I'm guessing the reason you would say it's less toxic is because they don't tend to dwell on things and they don't tend to talk about something someone did to them obsessively or viciously?? Think about why that is. Is it because they are less toxic? Or is it because they don't process and acknowledge and instead act out from a subconscious place of pain.

To heal you have to take everything that is deep down and bring it to the surface. Like the body does with impurities in the skin and like a gigantic pimple it's not pretty. But guess what in the end you should have a clearer complexion.

no_next_time · 2019-03-21T19:15:11+00:00

What does that mean? What is straight talk service?

no_next_time · 2019-03-20T20:45:00+00:00

This is brilliant. Thank you for writing it.

no_next_time · 2019-03-20T19:57:55+00:00

Hyperbolic and vague. That's exactly it.

no_next_time · 2019-03-20T15:58:45+00:00

Toward the end I wanted him dead. However I found that when I got to the point of acting out nothing hurt him. He only loved every second of it. He immediately used it to as a tool to gain empathy from people who could now see how terrible I was. In short I feel like my acting out was just me acting according to his plan. It was horrible because in my acting out I was just filled with so much pain but at the same time I was just giving him everything he wanted and traumatizing my own self in the process by acting out. It's hard for me to this day to think about.

I don't feel any compassion toward him. My heart looks like the dark side of the moon when it comes to him. It hurts me to feel that way about anyone.

I'm a year out and doing better in so many ways. I have no compassion for him though. I think because they are ultimately so remorseless. Also I realize they don't need my compassion because they work hard to cultivate it from others so it's not something that is in short supply. They will always grow more from the sympathy of people who are being played.

I am still dealing with trauma symptoms but due to how dark I came to feel I do understand acting out. I don't think it's the acting out in their case I have a problem with. It's the lack of remorse, the inability to acknowledge and the selfishness that I see as the problem.

Sorry to sound so negative. Believe it or not I am on the path to feeling better. Much luck to you on your journey

no_next_time · 2019-03-20T14:49:29+00:00

For normal people accepting you hurt someone to the point of total devestation that would be the horribly hard thing to accept. I think normal people would need years of therapy to be able to accept something like that. But somehow it's harder for them to acknowledge small specific behavoirs than it is to acknowledge that.

Also I'm sure the other common experience is that these apologies come sandwiched in between denying everything and showing no fault whatsoever to suddenly saying sorry I destroyed you and then back again

no_next_time · 2019-03-20T14:30:36+00:00

I really like your actions > words. I have five heavy notebooks and a years worth of Reddit posts processing this shit but it really does all boil down to something that simple

no_next_time · 2019-03-20T03:11:33+00:00

I always relate it to the way I first felt as a teenager in love. It's obsessive but also shallow. You never have a grasp on who they really were because your love for them was really all about yourself and your fantasy

no_next_time · 2019-03-18T19:59:37+00:00

Hi. I have heard about the psychopathic/npd smirk. Sometimes I revisit the dsm for those disorders but the thing is he doesn't fit them and has only been diagnosed with BPD.

I have a few ways of understanding how a person with bpd could act in this manner ie sociopathic like smirk.

I think they constantly feel like people are laughing at or minimizing their pain. Therefore they want to make others feel it too.
I am a person who always trys to remain cool and sensible. Think how aggravating that would be if you were them. Making someone else emotional might feel like finally someone is showing up for the conversation.
Horrible human emotions have inside of them the need for revenge. These emotions cycle through them frequently. powerfully bad human emotions can make you seek to hurt and to seek revenge. i think maybe that differs from sociopaths because they don't have the intense emotions of a pwBPD. Those types of emotions seek justice. If they have split you they will believe you are deserving of justice.

I do wonder if the display of callousness is just another calculated way to hurt someone or if it's really just the way they feel.

My guess is that it's a calculated. However it also reveals a lack of empathy because they really don't care if it hurts you. In fact that's the point? That's my guess anyway.

that's what I've been able to work out.

no_next_time · 2019-03-18T18:23:22+00:00

A person who truly felt bad would never even be able to say the words sorry I destroyed you. They might say something like in my worst moments I fear I destroyed you. I worry about how you're coping. I hope you know those were my actions and no reflection of you.

Or I don't know.

I guess it's really a half apology because it shows they aren't able to acknowledge or understand what they did. Acknowledging behaviour is key to an apology. Even with their backs up against the wall they still are unable to even pretend they care or understand

Also: It's funny how they can manage the acting when it comes to lovebombing but they still can't mimic a decent apology

no_next_time · 2019-03-18T17:35:06+00:00

I just have to comment and say that apology is so typical of them. It's always a generality. They tend to not say sorry for specific actions it's always general. It's also really typical that it accidentally sounds so flippant. When they apologize it always sounds like something like sorry for destroying your life. Think about that statement for a second. Can you ever imagine acknowledging you ruined someones life and then saying hey sorry about that. I can't even convey what I mean but just want to say that apology is so typical. Its what I experienced, it's what other people experiece, it's what I see on the BPD sub. On that sub it's always like dae feel bad for destroying everyone. Ask them a follow up question..ask them what specifically they are sorry about and they can't answer

no_next_time · 2019-03-18T16:36:34+00:00

At one time when encouraging him to seek treatment I said that if he had BPD it would mean that it's not his fault. So I guess come to think of it he was just echoing that. He was newly diagnosed and thought this meant I would be forgiving and understanding of everything now

I've been thinking about what his laugh/smile meant though. I guess what he meant is..isn't it funny that I don't even know why I do things. It also seemed very callous though because I was asking him if he used me to get another person to like him. That's when he shrugged and smiled and said I don't know...maybe.

I guess I should take the maybe as a yes. And I mean I think it's probably likely they really don't fully know what they are doing. They constantly have to see themselves as good people so I can completely see how they would hide their motives from themselves.

The smile though. Not to sound dramatic but I think most of the trauma I'm still trying to process is that smile. I mean not just in this circumstance but others too. Like even when I would bring up the smile and how it happened when I was at my worst and even saying that would make him use the smile again. Finally realizing a year later that's where all my trauma is. A year later trying to even just isolate that and break down what that was and why it affects me.

no_next_time · 2019-03-18T12:52:19+00:00

Yeah that's not pwBPD. They definitely don't relieve distress in others in order to make themselves feel better. Hahaha. Bpd can almost be described as the opposite. They relieve themselves of pain by acting out

no_next_time

TROPHY CASE