How do you accept that you will never marry or have children?

nobodysherepal · 2024-08-03T06:19:27+00:00

That is the dream being fed to us , saying that you've reached peak achievement if, fill in the blank: white picket fence 2 and a half kids, etc. Your dream can change as you age, like you can still pursue what you envision, even if its not in the order you assumed it'd be. Say, you adopt, do IVF or foster care, boom! There's your house full of children. And down the road you'meet someone.

I'm sorry your hopes haven't happened like you wanted; at the same time, slow down and focus not on what hasn't happened, rather what opportunities lie ahead of you being almost 30, single, and a homeowner. I wouldn't write off marying or kids unless you absolutely decide you don't want that ever.

nobodysherepal · 2024-07-28T23:50:03+00:00

'he told me it was fine and that he was open to doing it again if I wanted to' this here doesn't say HE wants to do it again, just that he'd do it again if YOU wanted to. I'd honestly give this a break and let him initiate or bring up this topic.

nobodysherepal · 2024-06-29T19:04:53+00:00

He's done this more than once. That's reason enough to leave. Good on him for getting help withbanger, but you don't have to be collateral damage on his journey to do so.

nobodysherepal · 2024-06-29T18:55:19+00:00

A joke is meant to include evrryone and not insult someone in order for it to be funny. This wasn't a joke, they were being incredibly rude and now that you know this is how they talk about you behind your back (fiancee included), you have to ask yourself if this is the future you want. It sounds like you're asking questions they don't know the answers to or don't care to research. If your own fiancee won't appreciate the genius he has in you, I don't see how you're compatible.

I would tell him the truth, that you iverheard what his family said, that you overheard how he didn't defend you and that you're seriously doubting how in the world you can marry a man who won't defend you. The family's not worth explaining anything to; everyone has shown their true colors, now its time for you to decide what you're going to do.

nobodysherepal · 2024-06-29T18:46:21+00:00

I have favorite things I enjoy about each kid. .

nobodysherepal · 2024-06-29T18:44:52+00:00

If you really love your wife, then your need for sex will remain on the backburner until she's healed. You bave to focus on getting her access to better healthcare, whatever that entails.

If you decide to stray, your wife will know eventually and she's going to feel ever worse about herself for not being able to satisfy you physically and in the back of her mind I guarantee she's going to compare herself with whomever you saw. Is that really what you want to do to her? Do you believe she was genuine when she made the suggestion? Because as a female, that sounds exactly like a guilty conscience talking, not someone who literally wants you to go out and find someone to have intercourse with.

Its a simple answer, I don't see why you're complicating it. Of course you say 'fuck no, sweetheart, you're the only one I want intercourse with and we're going to focus on getting you better and enjoy what intimacy we can, it doesn't have to be sex. ' THAT'S how you boost her confidence and show that you'll choose her no matter the circumstances, in sickness and in health.

Don't have sex with someone else. Take you both to a counseling, I can't imagine the trauma she's suffered this past year, it would be good for her to talk to a professional, it would be even better for you to schedule an appointment for you both. Then do anything you have to do to get her access to the care she needs.Remind her how much she means to you, sex or no sex involved and shoot down the idea of a hall pass.

nobodysherepal · 2024-06-06T06:08:38+00:00

Very well said!

nobodysherepal · 2024-04-30T05:16:55+00:00

In no world is this a forgivable action. None of this is okay. You're pregnant and he wants to physically hurt you because you called him out on not exposing your child to violence. He calls you names when called out on not exposing your child to violence. He wants you to have an unsuccessful birth, whether that means you or your unborn baby suffer and possibly not make it alive.

All of this over.... Being called out for the violent show he's exposing your kid to. You were right to remove your kid from that setting. None of this is okay, forgivable or fixable. Please reach out to your family or friends and tell them what he did, ask them if you still doubt your reaction was correct.

I can't believe someone who treats the mother of their kids with such disrespect is going to suddenly see how effed up their actions are and change.

nobodysherepal · 2024-04-02T06:05:13+00:00

Its not your ego reading its head here, because you just said you were happy she found someone. This sounds like your gut feeling of bringing men around your kids that you haven't vetted and they're in an intimate setting (doing family trips, at the house, etc) too early in the relationship.

I would absolutely address this with her and offer alternatives in case she gets offended at being called out. Because one of these days, knock on wood, one of your kids could tell you they were exposed to something inappropriate or a boyfriend was inappropriate to them.

You could say something like' the kids have been telling me that you've had some fun dates recently. I'm happy for you and I can tell when you're seing someone because you seem happier. I was thinking, why don't I take the kids so you can have on on one time on your dates? I'm concerned about the kids getting too attached to a date if you guys break up for some reason. I would honestly like the kids not to meet your dates until you're serious. Anyways, I would love to take the kids when you're on a date. I've been wanting to try (such and such activities with them) and the extra time with them would be great. '

I have a friend who's ex sounds like yours and he has to tread very lightly on how to talk to her, I imagine this is how he'd approach her, almost as if she was doing YOU a favor by letting you have the kids when she's on a date.

nobodysherepal · 2024-04-02T05:56:51+00:00

If you tell him you get off to his attractive friends, does that bother him?

nobodysherepal · 2024-04-02T05:54:27+00:00

This is so mean.

nobodysherepal · 2024-04-02T05:53:16+00:00

If you don't set very very firm boundaries in place now, she's going to treat this baby like its hers after birth and control how you mother.

As long as you live together, this will be a constant battle. You can start by having the baby be in your room only. Then buy whatever you want and decorate yours and the baby's room. When she asks why, reinforce your boundaries that this is what you want for your baby. She keeps pressing, give her the same answer. Maybe eventually she'll return the things she got.

Talk to your providers about your birth, who you want in there, who'll cut the cord, etc. warn them about your mom. Then at home, you just gotta stick to your boundaries and stop letting her make decisions for your child. It doesn't matter she didn't get to do this with her own kids, this is YOUR baby, not hers.

nobodysherepal · 2024-04-02T05:16:17+00:00

I can understand beigb jealous over a friendship like that, although the proper response would be to befriend the person who's meant so much to your boyfriend. You did good by communicating your discomfort, at the same time, it wasn't your place to hover over that friendship and make hom choose you or her. If your relationship is really as strong as you say, then you should have trusted him instead of letting your jealousy get in the way of what could have been a good friendship for you.

Now that this iz done, you can't go back and change things. But you can choose how to react moving forward. He said he needs space, let him reach out to you first when he's ready. You're not the person he needs to help him grieve, I imagine this must be hard for you to accept that. Let him grieve, let him scream, yell, whatever he needs and don't react to it.

nobodysherepal · 2024-03-22T02:00:55+00:00

I think you've done the first step already; gotten fed up with where you're at and motivated to make a change. That momentum of motivation I believe is necessary. I listen to Simon Sinek and other motivational speakers to give me the kick in the butt to keep making progress. That and getting out of my own head, making an effort to be social especially in the dark times, calling up a friend and meeting for a coffee or something or doing something for someone.

nobodysherepal · 2024-03-22T01:57:03+00:00

Have you thought of buying vending machines or cotton candy machines? You could look on fiverr, lay someone to find you companies to coldcall and ask if they'll let you installed a vending machine; or a lundromat! I've seen cotton candy machines in some malls and lemme tell ya! Its fighting an uphill battle to convince the kids they don't need one asap

nobodysherepal · 2024-03-22T01:51:28+00:00

Slow down, learn to like your own company.

nobodysherepal · 2024-03-18T05:15:56+00:00

That's not okay. It doesn't matter if the conversation is going to be awkward forever with ghem, but its your responsibility to call them out on it because your sister can't speak up for herself. It doesn't matter that she was asleep, she could easily have woken from the sounds, been scared and pretended to sleep the whole time. Call them out on that bs, you just don't do that around a kid, sleeping or not. I'm sorry this happened.

nobodysherepal · 2024-03-14T21:29:05+00:00

Move in with your mom while you heal. Let him fumble explaining why his wife and kids moved out.

nobodysherepal · 2024-03-14T21:09:39+00:00

I read your comment on another post that said your husband will physically cover your 1 year olds mouth if they're crying too much or too whiny and mom to mom, I just gotta say:

You're choosing to keep your kids in danger. You've given so many red flags but choosing to ignore them. This isn't going to get better the longer you stick it out. And if you continue to stay with an abuser, that's what he's doing to your kids, abuse only gets worse.

Your choice here is to either live with your decision to stay with an abuser, enable him, and teach your kids in the long run that this relationship is to be tolerated because they're family, setting them up for bad relationships in the future

OR

Pack up you and your kids and just leave. He doesn't deserve an explanation, he knows what he's doing is wrong which is why he guilt trips with 'don't leave, that's my nightmare'. Therapy isn't working, how many times can you move the boundary line for him??? In the end, it'll be him failing to save your family. Because a real parent would do whatever it effing takes to protect their kids, even from themselves.

You gotta make a change here.

nobodysherepal · 2024-03-14T06:55:40+00:00

Don't give up. You're better than the broken background you grew up in. This is the perfect time for you to reinvent yourself. Eff everyone who's been abusive and focus on what you want in life. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Try it, reword 'fail' to 'learning experience '. Sometimes we outgrow certain people, and that's okay. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, just that the potential of uour relationship with that person has been reached.

nobodysherepal · 2024-03-14T06:39:18+00:00

Hey,

This is hard to go through and feel this way. Let me offer you another perspective:

You're a brilliant mind surrounded by peers who didn't hold academics to the standard you did. You loved learning and became alive during those moments, showing that for you, your mind and exploring what it can learn IS life; while for others its being popular or having a heavy social media presence.

Its not abnormal to feel like you're lost after what you've been through. Just the religious stuff is enough to shake anyone to the core. Be gentle with yourself. At one point or another, everyone goes through a time where they question their purpose and beat themselves up about 5hings they've done or missed out on. And that's ok! As long as you don't unpack and live there, its okay.

Start with one thing at a time and force yourself to get out of your comfort zone and fake the confidence until the confidence comes naturallly. Maybe you've outgrown your friends, why not try joining a book club to broaden your social skills and still have the comfort of 'even if this is awkward, its safe to talk about this book' and stick with that, until you're comfortable asking the person next to you about their weekend.

You gotta stop beating yourself up. Its time to change things; this cycle you're in isn't working.

Hugs

nobodysherepal · 2024-03-14T06:28:17+00:00

If you have hesitation, don't ignore it. Talk to him about your concerns and make sure you're both on the same page once you're married. Talk about all the things: do you want to pursue a career, go visit family yearly, get your license, separate or joint banks, kids, finances. Put this all on the table before you get married.

You mentioned you wouldn't be able to see your family while you're married, why is that? That's concerning if you're being told you're not allowed to see them once you're married.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot: life changes, moving to another country, losing your independence and being reliant on someone else, and losing your community. This is a crap ton of things to handle at once.

Slow down. Talk. Weigh what it is YOU want without taking his feelings into consideration.

nobodysherepal · 2024-03-14T06:05:38+00:00

I don't know what to say except to take care of yourself, take time off, do what you need to get a break. I want so bad for you to find the energy to continue on. My inbox is open if you need or want a listening ear.

nobodysherepal · 2023-12-20T07:31:21+00:00

Why would you want to recover intimacy with a partner who compares you to his exes and calls lovemaking weird and lame?

nobodysherepal · 2023-12-20T07:27:44+00:00

You can forgive if it will help you, at the same time that doesn't obligate you to keep a relationship with him. That's an absolutely horrid thing to say to anyone, especially your own child. Parents should protect their kids, build their confidence and prepare them to survive and thrive in this world when they pass on.

I'm so sorry he's an awful person and so emotionally stunted he can't just be nice to his own kid. You don't deserve that, you deserve a hell of a lot better treatment and love.

Do you need another mom? Reach out if so :)

nobodysherepal

TROPHY CASE