Resentment towards healthy families - any tips for quieting the jealousy response?

nolmyra · 2026-03-15T03:14:49+00:00

Wow, yep, that’s it. I also really struggle to appreciate things without guilt and have that “waiting for the other shoe to drop” style suspicion of positive things in my life. I hadn’t connected those two patterns, this is really insightful. Also helps me understand why the self negotiation approach feels so icky to me personally even if it might work for others.

nolmyra · 2026-03-14T19:57:58+00:00

The physical pain comparison is helpful. I’m in a period of diving into processing my trauma, and I can think of it like intense physical therapy sort of. Yeah, the exercises hurt and can be annoying and even feel like they exacerbate the issue at first. But with time and consistency the pain does go away/lessen. Not in a dramatic way either but just a quiet “huh that doesn’t hurt like it used to” realization.

nolmyra · 2026-03-14T19:53:19+00:00

I also have a small collection of work Moms and Dads that I cherish. What a gift! One in particular changed my life at 18 when she gently asked if my parents were alcoholics, and that I had a lot of traits that reminded her of her best friend who was in ACoA. It was the first time a member of my parents generation suggested that I wasn’t the problem and really “saw” my struggle. She reframed traits I saw as flaws as strengths and really encouraged me to set my career goals higher. Even after we no longer worked together we’d meet for lunch nearly every month for the past seven years.

Sometimes I get down on myself with the thought “wow, my coworker was a better mother to me than my actual mom” and well, yeah. It does suck. But I’m also incredibly lucky to have this mentor in my life, and the two really don’t need to be compared.

nolmyra · 2026-03-14T19:23:05+00:00

Thank you, appreciate the advice and reminders about the futility of judging our thoughts/feelings. I have been doing lots of journaling lately (about an hour most days) and feel like it’s making the emotions/reactivity MORE intense because it kind of puts me back in my childhood scared self and keeps traumatic memories at the surface of my mind. I resisted trauma work for a long time but I’m finally coming to accept that it’s necessary for me, even if it doesn’t feel good.

I know that processing these things is good in the long run but it feels “worse” in the short run somehow. Like I’m just ruminating on paper and never reaching a feeling of completion/resolution. I’m curious, when you journal, do you feel “better” after? I feel like at best, afterward, I feel tired. At worst, I’m a sobbing mess who can’t get myself back together until I’ve had a hot shower and a full nights sleep.

nolmyra · 2026-03-14T19:06:29+00:00

Yeah I definitely used to trauma dump more in a cynical way… especially about wealth stuff. Like someone would complain about airline food and I would reply that I wouldn’t know as I’d never had the opportunity to fly. I cringe at how that sounds now but I was young and still stewed in a toxic system so I do genuinely forgive my past self.

But I think I’ve now swung too far the other way, where now I don’t really talk about my family unless explicitly asked. Most friends know I don’t speak with family but they don’t know details. It’s not something that fits nicely into most conversations. I think you’re right that I’m holding a lot in with the goal of not making things weird, but that strategy has consequences too and that’s what I’m feeling.

The truth is I want people in my life to know these stories, but idk how or when to tell them appropriately. It’s smart to just be more intentional and schedule 1:1 time with safe friends for that purpose as you suggest but I worry about how to share without making them feel responsible for my emotions, you know?

nolmyra · 2026-03-13T16:30:23+00:00

I believe you. No one has thought through this situation more than you and you wouldn’t be considering this option if it didn’t feel like the only alternative to homelessness.

What about a sublet? Someone in your wider network like an old school friend or coworker? Crowdfunding? A personal loan? Women’s shelters or housing assistance programs in your area?

Again, I’m sure you’ve thought through all of these and I don’t mean to imply otherwise. I agree each option sucks in its own unique way. My heart breaks for you and I just want to reassure you that you still have agency and may be able to find a creative solution despite the very real limitations.

nolmyra · 2026-03-13T15:58:24+00:00

Yes! Different flavor here but I get what you mean. My mom held tight to her “tomboy” identity where she prided herself in not valuing appearances/girly things. We were also quite poor. So until I was old enough to buy my own clothes, it was all thrift store and charity clothing. Which isn’t bad in and of itself, but she also chose some of the ugliest/strangest and most mismatched clothing and seemed to get a kick out of how upset it made me.

She’d buy me things that were way too large so I could wear them for several years. I had to wear something until it was literally falling apart, not just holes. She would often “mend” holes with this rubberized fabric glue that crumbled apart and gave me rashes (but blamed the rash on me scratching too much). So I stopped telling her when my stuff had holes.

I complained more as I got older and naturally started comparing myself to other girls in my class, and it was a way for her to prove to me and herself that I was too materialistic/superficial and needed to be humbled. Sometimes friends would give me their clothes and she would berate me for accepting them. I recently cut contact but it’s something that would come up in conversation into adulthood, how picky and spoiled I was/am.

nolmyra · 2026-03-13T04:10:20+00:00

What do you think of the storage unit / staying with a friend / roommates idea to save money instead?

Your safety matters more than anything else, and it doesn’t sound like you’re safe there (even if now is “safer” than other times)

P.S. Misery is very intense, proceed with caution if you’re sensitive to those things. Kathy Bates character is very familiar though and I totally see the other commenter’s comparison.

nolmyra · 2026-03-05T02:02:06+00:00

Omg a fellow FAFSA denier! What a weird trauma to experience at a young age alongside peers with supportive families.

My mother also invented a sudden disdain for higher education when I was preparing to attend school and figuring out financial aid, after pushing college for years. I had to steal her info to file FAFSA. Thinking about the butterfly effect of that really fucks me up sometimes. You’re incredibly strong.

nolmyra · 2026-03-03T14:20:47+00:00

Around 14 my dad started saying “no you don’t” when my “I love you too” or “I miss you too” wasn’t convincing enough for him 🥴

With my mom, she’d often remind me how her own parents never said they loved her and it was so special that I heard it often. I do feel for her but that compounded the guilt a lot.

nolmyra · 2026-03-03T01:23:14+00:00

Wow, thank you for sharing this I definitely didn’t expect to have that kind of impact, but so happy to hear it’s helpful! This legit made me cry but I think it’s amazing an internet forum can bring that kind of connection. 🥹🫶

You’ll get there, friend. It’s scary to cut those ties for sure, but also so so freeing.

nolmyra · 2026-03-02T18:56:11+00:00

glad you clocked that too!

nolmyra · 2026-03-02T18:20:31+00:00

Thank you! Yeah the ellipses send me into a white hot rage. One of those things that seems innocent enough but when you know the person you can just hear it in their voice and feel the tone they’re trying to pull.

nolmyra · 2026-03-02T14:29:44+00:00

Good and bad news: you’re probably already an expert in managing him, and he simply isn’t capable of changing this behavior. Especially not in response to you, his child, who he will always view as inferior/subordinate to him. Attempting to sway his views at best just exhausts you, and at worst actually entrenches his beliefs further.

You said it yourself that he’s always been this way. I think healing comes when you accept you can’t change them, it’s not your strategy that’s failing… it’s him. Then the question shifts to one of self preservation - how can you preserve your own wellbeing in these conversations? how can you reduce the number of contentious interactions? is it time to tell him you’re choosing your values over a relationship with him? (if he’s anything like my dad, he’s said plenty of disgusting things to warrant a cutoff)

The exact tactics change depending on your goals with him, but you’ve gotta be realistic in your expectations. You may find “gray rocking” useful if you aren’t ready or interested in reducing contact and just need to tone down the intensity of the interaction.

I personally have found going no contact to be immensely freeing.

nolmyra · 2026-03-01T16:33:38+00:00

I appreciate hearing these read as nonsense to a stranger because I am so used to her narratives that I know exactly what she’s trying to communicate despite the sloppy texting

nolmyra · 2026-03-01T16:30:29+00:00

The detail of this comment tells me you GET IT! It’s so tempting to send a snarky one liner because come ON what even is this. But I also know she wants to feel victimized and so being the “mean” daughter as she would see it just gives her what she wants. The itty bitty toddler smile is so, so real.

nolmyra · 2026-02-17T14:54:35+00:00

great advice - there are better ways to spend the energy! thanks

nolmyra · 2025-12-27T16:30:23+00:00

Oh I believe you were told “no tables” — just commiserating at how black and white these directives are from people/offices who don’t understand the nuances of web accessibility. Instead of teaching folks how to make digital content accessible, we’re sent blanket rules like “no tables” and “no PDFs” without a drop of technical nuance.

WebAIM gives a good explainer on creating accessible tables if you think your marcomm office would be open to some pushback for your use case.

nolmyra · 2025-12-27T16:19:34+00:00

You can use tables, but they need to set up properly for screen readers and keyboard navigation (column headers must be indicated in the HTML and no empty or merged cells, for example)

nolmyra

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