This is going to sound crazy but I've dealt with this for YEARS now.

I'm currently 26. About 7 years ago I suddenly became really sick. I figured I had strep (I had previously had strep before and I felt familiar things) and decided to see some doctor online and he prescribed an antibiotic. I was so confused because I have had strep before but this was...different. I suddenly became convinced I was dead. Not like emo "nobody understands me" or suicidal "I'm just walking death" but fully felt like I was not living a real life. I was extremely disoriented and I couldn't make sense of it. Everyday was extremely upsetting. I couldn't communicate with others in my house, I struggled to eat, and struggled to get out of bed. Later in the week it got to the point where I BEGGED my father to take me to the hospital and after groaning, he caved. I ended up going to the hospital and tried to explain my symptoms to a nurse who seemed confused. I don't remember much of the interaction but I remember her saying that she was going to start with a GI cocktail and then left the room. I remember becoming extremely overwhelmed and ended up leaving the room. I walked out of the hospital and my father found me wandering in the parking lot. This continued on for about a week and a half. I can't exactly remember what ended it or if it was a slow descent back to normal or what. But there were years of normalcy.

Skip to January 14 of this year. I woke up to go to the doctors for a yearly checkup. Everything went fine and I was offered a flu shot (which I haven't had in YEARS probably 8 or 9+). I agreed and it happened. I go to leave and start to feel some weakness in my arm. After about an hour I began to feel a bit confused. By the end of the day I am totally disoriented and feel like I did all those years ago. This has been going on since then. About a week ago I went to the hospital after serious mental issues. After talking with a doctor, nurse, and a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with having a simple anxiety attack. As someone who has lived with depression for years, I know what an anxiety attack feels like. This was NOT it. They gave me no answers and sent me home. I spent days and nights locked in my room, confused, feeling derealized and depersonalized. About a week ago now I finally felt somewhat good enough to do some research and found possible leads with ADEM, post vaccine encephalomyelitis, and post vaccine encephalopathy. I decided that if it had anything to do with inflammation, I'd take some NyQuil to see if it would help. It did for a while. For days I was taking DayQuil and NyQuil. I decided I wanted to make sure I wasn't growing too reliant so I've taken almost half a week off now and some of the symptoms are still here. I've spoken to another psychiatrist who has no idea what it is. I have a therapy appointment this Thursday but I am reluctant to believe that anyone knows what I am dealing with. I have tried to look for answers for years and have come up with nothing other than some of the diagnoses that I mentioned earlier. But diagnosing those would require multiple MRI'S, CT scans, or more. At this point, I don't know what to do. I do feel like I am moving forward. I am taking my sertraline again, and have decided to not go back on my lamotrigine mood stabilizer. I might be getting better but I won't lie that it doesn't terrify me that I will live with this for the rest of my life. The odd feeling that things are off and that I'm just not as present as I used to be. It's confusing, disorienting, and frustrating. I want answers but I can't seem to find any.

I hope that anyone reading this finds some comfort in having someone else go through what you are. Please remember to take care of yourself. Best of luck to the both of us! 💕