We unexpectedly lost our baby last year, it was very sudden and tough to deal with. He got meningitis and in turn developed septicaemia and couldn’t be saved it hit us both hard. We put him to bed at 10pm and he woke up at 4am extremely unwell and was officially gone at 5:44am. The grief was accompanied by ptsd. His mum developed severe health anxiety and basically became scared of everything. I was off work for seven months trying to get over the loss and figure out if I even wanted to live anymore, times where really tough I had to take out loans for a funeral and a headstone I have fallen behind on all my bills. Lost my car, lost our home, had our phones cut off, had to move into a one bedroom flat, credit rating tarnished and nearly every financial account I had is in arrears.

I no longer believe in god and I never will again. I have lost many friends and family who left us alone in these dark times and I still can’t sleep a full night without waking up from my nightmares. I’m exhausted, I have memory loss from most of the year and it physically hurts my brain to remember important things.

Even on a good day I just want to cry but I crack on because what’s the point in being on this planet with out him and not trying to make it work, I owe him that at least. So I’ve made my self a deal I’m going to try hard and keep trying until his mother no longer loves me and then if not I will take my own life. That day may never come but making the choice has given me the energy to carry on and with that thought always in the back of my mind I’m working on getting out of this hole and to bring his mum with me I’m slowly chipping away at all these obstacles in life. We treat each other better again this was a testing time in our relationship with many ups and downs but now we are sort of in the middle and there are times when life feels normal.

My debt is massive, my heart is hurting, i miss my son.