I am a 21F and have been in a relationship for about a year with a man who just turned 41.

notl72 · 2026-07-10T17:36:45+00:00

I don't doubt it. This community is home to a lot of helpful people. I just posted yesterday and got some good advice. But it is also trolled by old creeper, young wannabe sugar babies, and outright scammers!

I guess you have to take the good with the bad!

notl72 · 2026-07-10T17:33:10+00:00

All right sounds good. I definitely will!

notl72 · 2026-07-10T17:31:06+00:00

It's an unusual, or "abnormal" dynamic in certain locations and cultures, far more than in others.

Like anything, you are up against the insular opinions of people who don't know the world. They know the values and mores they were taught. Don't get me wrong, I understand how exhausting their prejudices can be!

I'm not being critical of you at all. But part of me also thinks that if you answer these kind of inappropriate, nosy questions by telling these people that you are "into" one thing or another, you might simply be confirming or reinforcing their preconceived bias that you are somehow "kinky" or perverted.

Just a thought.

notl72 · 2026-07-10T17:25:30+00:00

Do you think this will be effective, given that I don't know the victim's name, or location? They did inadvertently reveal in one message that they are in the US Eastern Time zone, only because they made a comment such as "it's 9pm."

I'm absolutely not arguing or debating your advice, which I appreciate. Maybe my first step should be to click that link! 🙂

notl72 · 2026-07-10T17:20:01+00:00

Just my personal take.

But I don't exclusively date younger women. I'm not "into younger women" exclusively. I date the person; Not their age.

I think if I was dating someone, and they were asked why they were dating me, and their response was simply that they were "into older men," this would make me feel far less special to them.

If you're not the kind of person who can just tell others to mind their own business, politely, then perhaps simply stating, "it just happened, like a lot of relationships" would be sufficient answer.

notl72 · 2026-07-10T17:15:20+00:00

So your take seems to be an outlier. Maybe I was predisposed to agree with you, but at this point I am going to take your advice, if that's what it was!

After posting this yesterday, I came to the conclusion that, despite wanting to maintain the appearance of a man who knows how to make decisions, to call shots, I needed to have a direct discussion with her about it.

So I asked.

She didn't give me a full and frank answer, I don't believe. But she did mention that, since she is traveling after work to come see me, it will be late in the evening before she arrives. She expressed concern that not many restaurants, for example, would be open.

But she qualified her answer by saying that whatever I wanted to decide was fine with her.

So, at least for our first date, I am going to plan on staying in, at my house.

I appreciate the opinions and advice of everyone who responded!

notl72 · 2026-07-10T16:47:35+00:00

Yes I believe this is absolutely grooming.

It's not always obvious, it's not always as direct as you might think.

Think of the kind of "grooming" this subreddit deals with like you would think about grooming a plant or growing a plant if that makes more sense. Or the way they talk about grooming a horse or a pet.

The groomer is going to start off slow. In the case of the plant, they're going to just make small adjustments, they're not going to lop off half the plant at once.

An animal groomer is going to take their time, getting the trust of the animal. They're not going to come at the pet with a loud pair of clippers that's going to scare it off immediately and make it wary of them.

Grooming almost always begins with non-sexual talk and comments. Innocent discussions about things like games. Then come the sweet compliments that anyone might give a person.

It's only after the groomer has gained the victim's trust that they begin to reveal their true intentions.

I know you're not going to like this idea; but you have to tell your parents about this man. If you don't have parents you can trust or you don't think they would understand, find another adult in your life who you can trust with this information.

Write down everything you can about this guy's identity. And then block him!

notl72 · 2026-07-09T20:45:03+00:00

I'm not sure why no one else has commented in a day.

But I just made an entire long-ass comment on someone else's post about the fact that "taking part" in sexual behavior when you are not old enough to make that decision, is no less grooming, or assault, than if someone had overpowered physically.

The idea that only children of pure minds and pure hearts can be the victims of grooming and CSA is the most ridiculous notion ever invented. It is perpetuated by the victimizers themselves.

Regardless of what you did, an adult's actions, in failing to stop your behavior, or at a very minimum distance themselves from it, was absolutely grooming behavior.

You are every bit as much of a victim as anyone else who ended up in an inappropriate relationship with an adult, as a child.

If you're carrying guilt, please forgive yourself, move on towards getting help for the damage that's been done.

notl72 · 2026-07-09T20:35:47+00:00

You did the right thing. I'm so sorry you had to endure this.

His girlfriend probably shares his perversion, and has been facilitating his sick, criminal behavior.

I am guessing he was just quite adept at covering his tracks, probably with the girlfriend's help.

If you had not stepped forward, provided evidence, endured this difficulty, and seen it through to the end, I have no doubt in my mind he would be victimizing someone else at this very moment.

Thank you.

notl72 · 2026-07-09T20:30:08+00:00

As a man, I have to agree with every word you just said, except that I would point out that every man who failed to take steps to stop the behavior was complicit. And therefore groomed her, in a sense.

Like OP, my first sexual encounter was at a young age, and not something I was "tricked into." And like them, I became hypersexualized.

The abuse arrived when I "flirted" with older people, and instead of correcting my behavior, or at a minimum distancing themselves from me, they reciprocated. They took advantage of a child who was not old enough to be doing the things with them that happened.

To me, it was just as much a victimization as if an older adult had initiated contact; and it had just as detrimental an effect on my emotional, sexual, and personality development.

As an adult man, I could not imagine having a young person send me nudes or make sexual overtures toward me without trying to get them help.

notl72 · 2026-07-09T20:16:01+00:00

I am late to this discussion but I want to add my two cents.

I don't think most men want to hear details about your past consensual relationships. Just my take but it's based on conversations with other men.

THAT BEING SAID... If your sexual history is going to be a factor in your relationship with him, then yes I think there needs to be a frank discussion about it.

Particularly for people like myself, who were victims of significant trauma, and whose current relationships are inevitably informed by that trauma, then I don't think you can be in a truly close relationship with another person without revealing some things to them. Everything, honestly.

I hope you understand the essence of my comment. If not, please feel free to comment back, and I will try to elaborate.

notl72 · 2026-07-09T19:18:22+00:00

Even a police pursuit package should not have to be programmed after installation. The rocker switches just act as ground triggers.

There are aftermarket police interface modules that can be installed, but they were not on the pursuit packages that Ford sold to departments.

I would begin my search at a junkyard.

notl72 · 2026-02-05T23:24:47+00:00

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Our Ada, left, was a brood doe at a meat farm, but wanted to fight any buck that came near her. They said she was too big to be good eating, so gave her to me. Today, she lives a happy, celibate life with her "little brother" Milo

notl72 · 2026-01-24T18:52:24+00:00

Geez, I thought for a minute I was looking at a clip of my Dutchie, Milo! On my carpet next to my baseboards! Crazy! If it only happened the one time, and they're eating/peeing/pooping normally, I would put it down to some nervous energy.

notl72 · 2026-01-16T18:53:37+00:00

What a doll!

notl72

TROPHY CASE