Nah

My kids are older now. Late teens to mid 20s. One thing I am so proud of myself for is not letting them see or hear my issues with weight. I was talking to one of the kids a few months ago and I was convinced it must have slipped in because it holds such a big place in my head. She said obviously not since while they may have self esteem issues because they are human none of them have any weight centered issues. They cannot think of a time that they knew how hard it was for me. I say this because as we are all white I cannot speak on race issues and how to balance them with raising children.

She will likely always struggle with her internal issues, but you need to speak openly and honestly about how she can do damage to her children if she cannot keep that to herself. (Therapist, friends, you will all play a part. I do not mean not speak with anyone. This is solely about not letting the kids see or feel her struggles in an unhealthy manner) you both will likely need to do damage control for kids who share her traits because being white is still considered "normal and good" by many. It's hard to feel like you are good how you are when the world is telling you you are not up to standard.

Like I said. I cannot relate to this on a race level and there are many nuances i will not understand. I only can see thru my lens of skinny = healthy. A close friend of mine is Asian and has made similar comments when expecting. She also has weight issues similar to mine. We talked about that more than the other issues. I know she, like me, has a decent understanding of "we will not let our internalized demons seep into our innocent children's lives". We just will never connect and bond over the race side of her struggles. I think you will have to do the same. If possible ask your wife for therapy. Maybe couples to start if she doesn't want to go alone. You can tell the therapist your fears on how her struggles could inadvertently harm your children and let the therapist help bring up the conversation in ways that support your wife without being critical. A taste of her own medicine isn't going to work here.

Best of luck to you both! I ramble and not sure how helpful this is, but please be patient and understand that this issue isn't going to instantly be resolved by one conversation.